Considering separation from Disabled partner

Red-Squirrel_2

Westminster wrote: »

My wife is fully engaged (and always was) in the external agency process as regardless of whether I leave or not, we need a replacement for the current carer while I am away with work.

She doesn't have all the information though, does she? You are withholding from her things that she needs to know in order to make fully informed choices.

For God's sake just talk to her!

KxMx

andydownes123 wrote: »

Easy to criticize the guy from afar. The minority (and I mean the minority) can contribute and advise on this kind of decision. The rest of you should wind your necks in. He clearly is at the end of his tether. You lot should be ashamed of yourselves.

I commented from a position of experience, but have chosen not to go into any details, or outwardly declare.

I'm perhaps not the only poster who chose to do that.

Pollycat

KxMx wrote: »

I commented from a position of experience, but have chosen not to go into any details, or outwardly declare.

I'm perhaps not the only poster who chose to do that.

Regardless of what position any poster has commented, no other poster has the right to say who can or can't contribute or advise on any thread.

joeblags

keeps the kids and the house , just wheel her down the ramp and leave her next to the wheeli bin. sorted!

thepurplepixie

Pollycat wrote: »

I didn't say it was an ideal childhood.
I think you'll find it was the OP who's considering the arrangements for the children.


I think you should ask the OP if he has thought about the psychological damage this will do.

Yes, sorry should have been to OP. It has just touched a nerve with me because of the people I know where this happens. I feel so angry for those children.

meer53

andydownes123 wrote: »

Easy to criticize the guy from afar. The minority (and I mean the minority) can contribute and advise on this kind of decision. The rest of you should wind your necks in. He clearly is at the end of his tether. You lot should be ashamed of yourselves.

So, do you have anything constructive to add ?

Gavin83

Just to clarify here are people suggesting he should stay in a loveless marriage or am I misunderstanding this? Alternatively are people suggesting he leave her and take the kids with him which probably seems the worst possible outcome for her. Seems to be a lot of people telling him he's horrible for writing the letter but offering very little suggestion as to what the best option is.

toniq

His best option is to talk to his wife, only they can decide what route they should go down, only they know if the marriage is worth saving, only they know how each other can cope with the situation.

By putting it on here he has asked total strangers to have a look at his Dear Joan letter.

Op needs to sit down with his wife and talk this through, maybe relate might help.

If he can't do that as various family members have been helping with the care side maybe he could talk to them as they know the situation better than anyone here.

Of course from the synopsis: man leaves disabled wife with 2 young children for his own happiness people are going to judge harshly without knowing the people involved.

System

Seems to be a lot of people telling him he's horrible for writing the letter but offering very little suggestion as to what the best option is.

Well he needs to consider 'damage limitation' for a start. The letter he had drafted was cruel and uncalled for.

barbiedoll

BBH123 wrote: »

or maybe he is just thinking through all the possibilities and options to come to the very best way forward for his wife and her needs not just emotionally but practically aswell.

Its not about 'lying' behind her back or subtefuge, its about giving everything careful consideration before presenting a best case scenario about how her needs will be met and that he has considered the needs of the children aswell given the circumstances.

Lets not forget he will be burdened financially for years to come
which will impact any future partner / children / homes so its not like he has packed a bag and left her to the welfare state.

I cannot imagine this is an easy decision but if you dont love someone you dont love them, its not siomething that can be forced and this man is pretty young to consider spending the rest of his life with someone he doesnt love.

It's been a very emotive thread but I can't help but agree with much of what the poster above has said.

I think the OP is one of those people with a very analytical mindset, his job as a pilot would bear this out, and his letter seems to be his way of getting his thoughts together. Of course, he shouldn't give it to his wife (at least, not without some very heavy editing, there's no need for remarks about how he would have left years ago etc) but at the end of the day, he's going to leave anyway. He's already emotionally out of the relationship.

I don't think that comments about bringing kids into a marriage already burdened by disability, are helpful. I'm guessing that children were a choice made by both him and his wife, but no-one's blaming her for that choice. I suppose she didn't take into account a marriage breakdown, but then again, who does?

There's no easy answers, that's for sure. As OP says, money is not an issue so at least it will cushion the blow. He will be able to shield his children from the burden of caring as much as anyone can I guess.
What a horrible situation for all concerned though. You all have my sympathy.