Considering separation from Disabled partner

pearl123

goodwithsaving wrote: »

I disagree with you. We only live once and if you're that unhappy, do something about it. Just handle the hurt you will inevitably cause others very carefully. Having read again, I now think the OP is genuinely trying to do right by all but I suspect the way they have gone about it is a bit bull in a china shop. I do still think there is an element of me me me and arrogance, but I do disagree that it's selfish.
I feel for the children who were brought into a situation which both parents knew would likely be the situation with regards to their mum's health.

To be honest i deleted my post, but I also don't mind it staying either. I could perhaps understand if OP felt that his mental health was severely suffering or if he was depressed.
I've been a carer for decades. Some things one can't run away from!

bagpussbear

OP for the sake of your wife, children and yourself, please make an appointment to speak to Relate. And if you are feeling depressed, a doctor's visit.

This is such a life changing thing you are planning on doing, and absolutely crushing your wife and children, you have a responsibility to get help from every other source.

Other people cope, and have good and happy lives, with disabled partners, and there is no reason you can't either, but with adjustments and a different mindset.

Please give Relate and the doctor's a shot.

Westminster

Westminster wrote: »

Relate is something I will be looking in to.

This was me yesterday.

Thanks for all the input.

[Deleted User]

Men / women fall out of love with their partners for a meriad of different reasons and when couples split up its always painful emotionally and then practically ,the assets have to be divided , child care arrangements made etc etc.

The OP's is getting of a lot of demonising because his partner has the added complication of being disabled, well thats not his fault and in fairness to him he has not just cut and run, he has stated he is chewing things over in his own mind and has said he is going to be supporting his family financially.

What more can he do, he doesnt love his wife, if you took the disability out the equation it wouldnt attract so much criticism.

Thousands of children have divorced parents and these 2 would divide their time between dads new home and mum and carers home, 2 loving homes so I can't see long term problems. I also wouldnt want to be his wife knowing my husband was with me out of a sense of duty and guilt rather than love.

As an aside the only choice I would have made differently is that if I had married someone with an illness that could potentially be life changing I wouldnt have had children.

OP whatever your decision I wish you and your family well.

Lambyr

BBH123 wrote: »

The OP's is getting of a lot of demonising because his partner has the added complication of being disabled

Part of it, perhaps, but not all. The OP is hardly facing up to his responsibilities. He seems to be of the belief that if he potters about, organising things in the background, then that will somehow soften the blow for his wife when he announces he's leaving. He's stated no obvious attempt to talk to his wife, and his letter, which thankfully he has agreed not to send, was full of justifications to make himself somehow look better. Indeed, he seems to believe that getting things "ready" for his departure, while keeping his wife in the dark is somehow a noble thing.

Let's be honest, rather than face difficult conversations, or even the potential of an argument, he wants to scoot off while his wife is still quite busy in the "crying over the dropped bomb" phase. Hell, he's even looking to arrange a live-in carer with virtually no input whatsoever from her.

So that'll be fun; "There's no easy way to say this, but I haven't loved you for a long time and have spent the last few months quietly making preparations to leave. I've got myself a flat nearby and I just want the laptop and the car. Oh and this is Maureen, she lives here now to look after you.

I've got myself some professional advice too on how to divvy things up, even though I'm not really fussed about having anything. I just thought it best if I was completely prepared for my exit so at least one of us was.

Don't worry, though, you can keep the cats and I'm sure the kid's sunny disposition will cheer you right up! I'll be off then. Feel free to drop me a line if you need the router rebooting."

[Deleted User]

But any split up can be like that can't it,

there is never a 'nice' way to split up , always a party will be hurt more than the other is if its not their decision.

This from the OP to me sounds like him chewing the cud, trying to think of all the possiblities and options and coming on here to glean some perspective.

There are clearly some on here who think he should put up and shut up but i'm not one of them.

Heartbreak comes to all of us whether we are disabled or not.

Lambyr

It doesn't change the fact that every day, he's lying to his wife's face, does it? It doesn't even matter whether she's disabled or not. While he's making these plans and writing these letters and not telling his wife a thing, he's lying to her either directly, or via omission. Does she not deserve the respect of knowing that he's planning to leave? He's clearly come to that decision yet continues to keep her in the dark. Does she not deserve some say in her own future, in her own care, in her own kids?

No, he's decided he's going to make all the decisions while also pleading for an adult approach to everything after he drops his bomb.

[Deleted User]

or maybe he is just thinking through all the possibilities and options to come to the very best way forward for his wife and her needs not just emotionally but practically aswell.

Its not about 'lying' behind her back or subtefuge, its about giving everything careful consideration before presenting a best case scenario about how her needs will be met and that he has considered the needs of the children aswell given the circumstances.

Lets not forget he will be burdened financially for years to come
which will impact any future partner / children / homes so its not like he has packed a bag and left her to the welfare state.

I cannot imagine this is an easy decision but if you dont love someone you dont love them, its not siomething that can be forced and this man is pretty young to consider spending the rest of his life with someone he doesnt love.

System

The thing that riles me is the fact they had kids in the first place. This illness you don't recover from. Why oh why?!

Take love out of the equation, this was always going to happen.

Lambyr

It will be his 'best case scenario' though, won't it?

I've no issue that he plans on breaking up with her; although mild concern he ever thought that letter was a good idea. People drift apart, split up, that happens, it's unfortunate but it's fine.

But what he's doing now is dictating. He's going to leave but it's going to be on his terms. He's going to do what he needs to do to assuage his own conscience, hence the cats, and the planning and everything because he thinks that is somehow the right thing to do.

Yet throughout all of this, he ceases to treat her like she's a sapient being. At some point, after she's finished crying, perhaps when she's got through the angry phase, she'll do the maths. She'll work out how long it would have taken, and how much effort has gone into all these plans. If she currently has no idea what he's planning, do you think that'll make it better? Do you think she'll feel good about that? Or do you think she'll feel worse? Like a fool, perhaps? Do you think that will help her depression? Do you think that'll help the kids while she deals with that? I'm not convinced, myself.

He could have treated her with some respect. He could have spoken to her when he realised that there was no future in the relationship. That way, he would have given her some ownership of the situation. Tears would still be shed, voices might be raised, there would still be the hurt, the pain - that much is unavoidable. However, he would at least have treated her with some dignity because she would have had some input in dealing with all these practicalities.

The way he's approaching this, there is only one voice in the discussion and that's his. Nothing he has said suggests she's incapable of making decisions, so when his actions affect her life, the decent thing is to involve her from the start. His way of dealing with is to basically say, "This is what I have come up with. This is situation. Deal. With. It."