Considering separation from Disabled partner

pipkin71

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

Psychologically damaged is a bit strong and sounds very accusatory, but I think it would be fair to say that children who are young carers for their parents are definitely affected by it. It does have an impact and they do have a different experience of childhood and growing up and family life than children who don't have caring responsibilities.

Especially when the disabled parent is the only parent who is around all the time, and one is absent a lot as will be the case with these children.

I can understand that and would suggest that all sorts of family dynamics can affect children growing up; divorce, drug dependency; domestic violence; parents who work all hours; parents who don't; poverty; second families; the list, I'm sure, is a long one.

We are a single parent household and growing up without their dad around, had an impact on my children. They see me being ill, as a normal part of their lives and while their lives were different to some of their friends, it was normal to them.

I would never say it was ideal; we all would have obviously preferred it if I wasn't ill, but they haven't been psychologically damaged by it, which is the terminology I objected to.

Plush

This is one of the saddest stories I've read in a long time. I don't think the letter is cold-hearted... no matter how you write such letter it will hurt the other person.

Don't want to comment much, a lot has been already said... just wanted to say that, if I were in a situation like OP's wife is now, I would strongly consider asking him to separate. I wouldn't want to be such a burden on someone I love, for the rest of my/his life. I believe that would be too selfish of me. If he decided to stay, good - but I would at least offer (especially knowing that he doesn't love me anymore). We are all different...

Best of luck @Westminster

moneyistooshorttomention

I think that's an unusual viewpoint from what I can make out Plush.

I thoroughly agree that I would only ever want a man to be with me because he loved me and wanted to be with me. I would find it pointless and hurtful to know a man was only remaining with me because he'd been pressurised into doing so by other people. How could I possibly be happy at knowing the person with me really didnt want to be with me?

The way I see it is "duty" is a 19th century way of thinking. "Fair shares/everyone having a right to a say about their own life" is the 21st century way of thinking. But a lot of people are pushing the 19th century way of thinking because, somewhere along the line, it suits/they think it might suit them to have someone forced by "duty" to do what they want.

"Duty" applies if one is in a responsible position - like the monarch or president of a country or the CEO of a firm. At a personal level - it's substantially a word that is now in the history books. If it were me in that position then I would have seen it as my duty/responsibility not to have children ever and sacrifice the idea of doing so (whichever of the two partners I was) - rather than take the risk of placing adult responsibility on child shoulders. That is my interpretation of where "duty" still applies in the 21st century.

[Deleted User]

I think an added dimension for me is that the wife is so young at 35 to be completely reliant on others. I am assuminng and it's a great assumption that OP is not that much older.

This age should be the prime of their lives, enjoying their young family and creating memories. Holidays, adventure, hobbies etc etc and two of you to working together to support, provide and nurture each other.

I can't help but wonder that OP is grieving for what he is missing out on. He would have hoped and dreams of his own unfulfilled and he probably sees all his peers leading the life he lost and wants some of that for himself. And who could blame him.

He is young enough to start again and ultimately meet someone who he can live those dreams with.

Asking / expecting someone to be a carer at 35+ essentially giving up their life is a massive ask of anyone and especially if the love has gone.

I would feel devasted for the wife because its not her fault she is in this situation buit I would understand OP if he had to leave.

I have dipped in and out of this thread and I havent heard any references to potential grandparental help ?

moneyistooshorttomention

As far as I can see - carers are rarely asked to be carers. It's just assumed they will be and gradually they have to do a bit, then do a bit more, then do a bit more again and (at some point) daylight dawns on them that they've been made into a carer and they've never been asked if they would be one and not given a choice about what they are going to do with their own life. Someone else has decided it for them.

35 or so is indeed a young age and OP does still have time to get the life they planned on having for themselves. But no-one else's life should just be "written off" as not mattering for an indefinite number of years either. Even retirement age people have probably been "counting the days" until they retire and making all sorts of plans for themselves.

It is a very valid point to wonder where the grandparents are coming into this and any brothers or sisters that wanted to be uncles or aunts (rather than just finding that was what they were iyswim). Some people who don't have children of their own want children and would be very good with them.

One thing we do know is that the wife already knew she had MS when she decided to have children - and so what arrangements did she have in mind about how the childcare was to be done at the time she decided to get pregnant with them? Did she make arrangements for those children - or did she just "assume" roles for other people that they hadnt volunteered for?

Red-Squirrel_2

BBH123 wrote: »

I have dipped in and out of this thread and I havent heard any references to potential grandparental help ?

You've missed them, you should read the OP's posts again and you'll find the info about siblings/parents.

[Deleted User]

You make some very valid points, particularly the 'caring' insiduously creeping up on you until one day you realise it has moved on from a little incidental help to an all consuming full time role. I would imagine this ladies needs are great as I remember a sister and OP and carer all suffering depression , was that made worse by the stress of the care needs.

The assumption would also be that there were conversations with family re any care needs if the health of wife deteriorated or perhaps they just hoped as she was young the illness would abate longer.

I know for me if I was disabled or suffered an illness likely to get worse I absolutely would not have had children as I am vehmently against child carers. Children need a childhood not thrown into an adult world of unnessary burden, end of.

seven-day-weekend

I too would not have children under those circumstances, but the children are here now, so not much point discussing that.

I don't think they should be made into child carers either.

I also would not want my husband to stay just to be a carer, if he no longer loved me.

However, I thought the OP and his wife already have arrangements for her care, which do not involve the children in other than incidental tasks?

annandale

The husband knew she had ms when they decided to have children. As I said above. If he didn't want these kids and the first child was unplanned steps could have been taken to prevent an unplanned pregnancy.

I actually think it's disgusting that there's even been a suggestion that if they weren't planned the Op should have no responsibility for them at all and questions are being asked where are the grandparents or aunts or uncles.

What do aunts or uncles have to do with this whether they have their own kids or not. Are they to end up being a substitute father because their father can wash their hands of them because the mother forced the father into having them?

Which has been assumed on here with no evidence of the same by some people.

Disabled people can and do have kids and irrespective of whether the Op wanted children he has them and they are very much his responsibility.

There are people who have kids because contraception fails. Lots of kids aren't planned. It doesn't mean that the father swans off into the sunset.

The op has said that he wants to be part of their life so why is it being suggested by one poster at least that he takes nothing more to do with them?

The ops wife does not know how he feels. She's not a mind reader. How can she be expected to know and ask him for a separation because she's a burden?

How lovely. What lovely terminology. Calling someone a burden because they have MS

Torry_Quine

annandale wrote: »

The husband knew she had ms when they decided to have children. As I said above. If he didn't want these kids and the first child was unplanned steps could have been taken to prevent an unplanned pregnancy.

I actually think it's disgusting that there's even been a suggestion that if they weren't planned the Op should have no responsibility for them at all and questions are being asked where are the grandparents or aunts or uncles.

What do aunts or uncles have to do with this whether they have their own kids or not. Are they to end up being a substitute father because their father can wash their hands of them because the mother forced the father into having them?

Which has been assumed on here with no evidence of the same by some people.

Disabled people can and do have kids and irrespective of whether the Op wanted children he has them and they are very much his responsibility.

There are people who have kids because contraception fails. Lots of kids aren't planned. It doesn't mean that the father swans off into the sunset.

The op has said that he wants to be part of their life so why is it being suggested by one poster at least that he takes nothing more to do with them?

The ops wife does not know how he feels. She's not a mind reader. How can she be expected to know and ask him for a separation because she's a burden?

How lovely. What lovely terminology. Calling someone a burden because they have MS

I would thank this more than once if I could. The comments made by some are shocking about a person with MS.