Finally Debt Free After 34 Years, But Still Need to Live Frugally

HairyHandofDartmoor

Thanks for thinking of me all of you.

I haven't been updating my status because I don't want to share misery and gloom with you. I miss my mum so much that every day is a struggle. Some days I just feel low and other days I feel like I don't want to go on without her. I can't believe I'll never see her face or speak to her again. She was like my best friend as well as my mum.

I know I'm lucky to have DH and the DC. But I feel lost and lonely without my mum.

I can't seem to work at the moment but DH has said he can cope without me for a time. I've been seeing my stepdad every other day and going for long walks with him where we recall happy memories about my mum,. as he is sad and lonely too.

Apart from that I've been cleaning, tidying and de-cluttering the house, which is in great need of it. That's the only thing I seem to be able to face doing at the moment. I've also been finding photos of my mum and putting them in a special album.

I've been thinking about how to cope with the loneliness I feel now. My sister who lived locally died of cancer four years ago, and my other sister lives in Scotland and I only see her twice a year. So my mum provided a lot of social contact for me.

Working from home means DH and I don't get to meet many people, so when I feel like I'm coping a bit better I think that DH and I need a new hobby where we can get out and meet new people to expand our social network. We can't afford anything expensive and DH is very unfit which rules out things like walking clubs. So I was wondering if the local university had any cheap/free activities.

DS2 is still in Spain and DS3 is going away to uni in September, so that will make me feel even more lonely, although I'm pleased for him.

I'm sorry to moan and be miserable .

abba1772

You're allowed to be sad hairy she's your mum so take time to grieve, smile at the happy memories you have of her and I'm glad your spending time with you're step dad he'll really appreciate that xx

[Deleted User]

HairyHandofDartmoor wrote: »

I'm sorry to moan and be miserable .

Please don't ever think you are moaning. What you are going through is totally normal and it's sometimes hard to let go in front of our loved ones because we try to keep them afloat whilst drowning ourselves.


Your whole world has fallen apart and it will take time to get things even halfway bearable. It's sometimes easier to talk to strangers like us on here, not that we're really strangers, I'm sure we all feel like friends but you know what I mean.


Just try to take it one day at a time. Just a thought but have you seen your GP? When I had major emotional issues a few years ago I went to see mine in sheer desperation. The support and help I received was second to none, I could not believe such 'love' was available from a whole range of professionals. total strangers to me. I wouldn't have come out the other side unscathed without them.


take care:kisses3:

redofromstart

HHOD - I didn't read it as moaning and miserable. You are grieving, but to me you are doing the sensible thing of diverting yourself with the cleaning and thinking about future changes. Worth checking the university stuff, they may even have a walking club for the unfit. Also a good time to be checking with the council about about evening courses maybe? Do you do any crafts? Gardening societies? U3a do some interesting stuff round here. Volunteering at one of the national trust places?

HairyHandofDartmoor

Thank you Abba and Carboot, your kind words have made me cry.

You're right my whole world has fallen apart. No one can replace my mum and I feel like I will never be happy again. But I have to go on for the sake of DH and the DC. Also I have to go on for my mum's sake because all she cared about was making the people around her happy.

I went to the doctor after my sister died and when DS2 was in the middle of his mental health crisis and we had huge debts. The doctor put me on anti-depressants which made me sleepy all the time, a bit remote and I put on a stone. After about six months I finally got some very basic CBT but it mostly stated the obvious, and finally after about another six months on the waiting list I got some counselling (from a young medical student) which did help. The student didn't really know what to say to help me, but was sympathetic and being able to pour out all my misery to a stranger did help somehow.

I don't know if I want to go the anti-depressant route again, but I'll see how I'm coping in the months to come.

I've got to go to my dad and stepmum's anniversary party in a week and a half and I'm dreading it. I'm not in the mood for a long journey or a party. My half brother hasn't sent me a message or a card since my mum died, so either no one has told him or he doesn't care.

I've also got one set of friends who haven't sent me a message or a card since DH told them my mum had died. Yet I've had cards from people I've never met. Also DH's sister sent me some lovely white roses and a card. You find out who your friends really are when something bad happens to you.

Anyway I must do more cleaning and de-cluttering and stop moaning. At least the house will look good.

HairyHandofDartmoor

redofromstart wrote: »

HHOD - I didn't read it as moaning and miserable. You are grieving, but to me you are doing the sensible thing of diverting yourself with the cleaning and thinking about future changes. Worth checking the university stuff, they may even have a walking club for the unfit. Also a good time to be checking with the council about about evening courses maybe? Do you do any crafts? Gardening societies? U3a do some interesting stuff round here. Volunteering at one of the national trust places?

Thank you for the suggestions Redo. I thought about learning Spanish to be close to DS2, but it would cost £600 a year for DH and I to both learn it. I'll look into U3A. I'm not crafty or artistic, but DH and I like history and I like walking.

I will carry on volunteering at the school too when the term begins as that gives me social contact. I need something for me and DH to do together one evening a week though.

redofromstart

My powers going to get cut off any minute so excuse abruptness. Local history society? Our village has a very popular one, they have monthly visiting lectures (£2) and an annual short walk. Big city has several, including an industrial society. V popular locally, and lots of people who like talking. Ours is advertised in the local free magazine.

HairyHandofDartmoor

Some very good ideas there, thanks Redo.

I'm sorry I haven't been reading diaries but I can't seem to concentrate on much at the moment.

beanielou

Its your diary & you can say as you wish.
Your virtual friends love you & only want the best for you.
If you need to moan (which I dont think you are) feel free.
You are only saying it is it is.
Sorry I am lots of meds at the moment & my brain is not working well.
Hope this makes sense.

[Deleted User]

Morning lovely lady,

Grief is a very complex thing and no one can say when it will end, things take time. My dad died when I was 26, I felt lost too when he died and then 18 months later DH's dad died, he was 33 at the time. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of them both and some days I do still shed a tear for my dad, after all these years.

Only do what you feel able to do when you want to do it, in time you will heal, you'll never forget your mum but one day the sadness will go, even if at the moment it doesn't feel like it. It is early days yet.

Your friends may not have sent a card because they may not know how you'd feel if they did? They may not want to upset you even more.

As Beanie said, we love you and we're here for you when you're ready.

Sorry for my ramble and I hope I've not spoken out of turn xxx