diary of strugglin working mum

yoni_one

Hi Bartgirl, its good to hear you are safe and well, thanks for the update.

Can I ask if it was a Women's Aid counsellor who recommended you involve his mum in the hope she could help him 'see the error of his ways'? I have to say I am more than a bit suprised with that as it does not seem to be in line with the overall objective which is to support you to minimise risk and stay as safe as possible. You recognised that there was a level of risk in taking this action and I would urge you to always assess potential risk before taking actions, regardless of anything a counsellor or anyone else urges you to do.

First and foremost perpetrators of domestic abuse are out to keep power by controlling their target, notice how OH has agreed to your wants but under his own terms? If he is showing little sign of even trying to compromise from the start then it seems like he was maybe just giving as little as needed in the moment (in front of his mum) to get out of the conversation.

It is interesting that you were rather thrown when asked what attracted you to him in the first place and as such realised how much you have come to despise him.

I know there are many barriers that stop women from leaving abusive relationships however generally there is support out there to help overcome them.

A first step could be to figure out on a personal level what those barriers are and why one selects the abuse over those barriers. You have far more control negotiating your way through the barriers than you have in changing the abuser's behaviour.

Keep us informed Bartgirl, you know we all want for you is to be safe and ultimately achieve what is in your best interest.

Seaxwyn

Thanks for the update, Bartgirl. I have been thinking of you too and hoping you are OK. I think you are very brave and responsible in the way you are dealing with this. I have huge admiration for you. I hope that you will be able to make the decision to leave him if you need to, and I hope that now you have involved his mother you will talk to your own parents too.

sans_2

Hi Bartgirl,

Just wanted to say good to hear from you and hope you and your son take care of yourselves!

I tried to PM you but your inbox was full.

Hope your Ebay sales are going well. It is 5p listing day this Thursday for certain styles of listings incase you didn't know.

BartGirl

Keeping_Motivated wrote: »

Obviously he is a classic case of denial and refusing to take responsibility. He is obviously scared to face things and admit his actions because then he will see the'real' him.

As for you, the way you describe the 'habit' it sounds like you are really coming to despise it and I am not sure how long you can put up with it. I am also sensing that you are not sure yet if you want to leave or you have to?

Take care
KM x

Hi KM
Thanks for the note on my diary..
If I'm honest - his 'habit' has always done my head in but i guess i just tolerated it. However it was nowhere near as bad as it is now..

I do need to get out but i need to feel sure that I've left no stone unturned as well. I dont wanna look back in a few years and say 'should've tried blah-blah-blah'..also finance is a Big Thing for me too..i appreciate your concern

BartGirl

skintstudentnurse wrote: »

LEAVE HIM
LEAVE HIM
LEAVE HIM

Hi Bartgirl, I have lurked and read your thread from beginning to end, this man may be your DS's father biologically but he does nothing else to provide for you, emotionally or financially. My DD1's father was like this, abusive both mentally and physically to me but I was too scared to leave him because I thought I'd never find anyone else and of what he might do to me. I did leave him eventually and I'm so glad now. You have done so well saving up your money and repaying your debts, perhaps the counselling that you are receiving will help you make a decision. I wish you and your boy all the best.

Skint

You have struck a chord. I know i have been on a personal 'low' for a very, very long time and admittedly have gotten used to being there. I dont want to say I feel depressed cos i hopefully dont know what depression is..and i often try my level best to find things that cheer me up - even if its just decluttering to Ebay - or taking DS to splash in the puddles..i dont really ask for much TBH..not trying to blow my trumpet or anything but just honest..

BartGirl

yoni_one wrote: »

Hi Bartgirl, its good to hear you are safe and well, thanks for the update.

Can I ask if it was a Women's Aid counsellor who recommended you involve his mum in the hope she could help him 'see the error of his ways'? I have to say I am more than a bit suprised with that as it does not seem to be in line with the overall objective which is to support you to minimise risk and stay as safe as possible. You recognised that there was a level of risk in taking this action and I would urge you to always assess potential risk before taking actions, regardless of anything a counsellor or anyone else urges you to do.

First and foremost perpetrators of domestic abuse are out to keep power by controlling their target, notice how OH has agreed to your wants but under his own terms? If he is showing little sign of even trying to compromise from the start then it seems like he was maybe just giving as little as needed in the moment (in front of his mum) to get out of the conversation.

It is interesting that you were rather thrown when asked what attracted you to him in the first place and as such realised how much you have come to despise him.

I know there are many barriers that stop women from leaving abusive relationships however generally there is support out there to help overcome them.

A first step could be to figure out on a personal level what those barriers are and why one selects the abuse over those barriers. You have far more control negotiating your way through the barriers than you have in changing the abuser's behaviour.

Keep us informed Bartgirl, you know we all want for you is to be safe and ultimately achieve what is in your best interest.

Hi Yoni
Thanks for this really inspiring message.
I really liked your quote about figuring out what the barriers are. I had never ever looked at my situation like that. I had - but not deeply. My number 1 is finance. Which I'm trying to tackle at the moment.I also now realise that once i hit my target - i have no excuse to remain - and this is quite shocking cos i can see myself getting there and never thought i would! I have been used to living in a rut and managing within that rut. Even me typing that down is shocking me.
I'll definetly keep you all informed of whats going on ..

BartGirl

Seaxwyn wrote: »

Thanks for the update, Bartgirl. I have been thinking of you too and hoping you are OK. I think you are very brave and responsible in the way you are dealing with this. I have huge admiration for you. I hope that you will be able to make the decision to leave him if you need to, and I hope that now you have involved his mother you will talk to your own parents too.

I guess I do have to reveal all to my parents now.
This now becomes the daunting part. Admitting failure - and they were never really keen on him in the first place. My parents and I have never been particularly close through the years anyway - so talking openly is not really 'normal' in my family..although over the recent years my dad and i have been abit better at that - especially since my mum is quite poorly.Suffers from a diagnosed Mental Illness; been sectioned etc etc. I dont even know how i'd broach the subject - but there you go..

Ellidee

Bartgirl just wanted to say hello and to tell you I think that you are doing really well and hope that you have the resources, emotional & otherwise, to come to a decision very soon. Thinking of you and your precious son. XX

pavlovs_dog

BartGirl wrote: »

I guess I do have to reveal all to my parents now.
This now becomes the daunting part. Admitting failure - and they were never really keen on him in the first place.

you have NOT failed. it takes TWO people to make a relationship work, and for all the best will in the world you cannot do it alone. he has duties towards you as a fellow human being, never mind as a husband, and from where im sitting it sounds like he is failing miserably on both counts.

i understand about you needing to feel like you've tried to save the relationship - im guessing it makes it easier for you to justify leaving, when you do go? but who is he justifying his crappy behaviour too? because he's going to have to face up to it, if not now then when you leave. there is no justification for his behaviour, so you should not have to justify yourself for removing you and your son from that situation.

go read back through the early pages of your diary and see how far you have come, on your own, with sod all support from him. and dont you dare let me catch you talking about failing again or i will have to give you a real telling off

duchy

That Yoni talks a lot of sense......I like her !
(always strange when you come across mates on other websites )
Bartgirl-I think it was very telling that you're thinking that just getting through is "normal". Try and take a step away and think what you'd be saying to a friend who was in your situation. You haven't "failed" you've tried blinking hard but he's not even talking the talk let alone walking the walk-and it takes two to make a relationship work.