diary of strugglin working mum

CarolynH

Hi hun.

Good to hear from you again. Keep on keeping on.
:grouphug:

sans_2

Hi Bartgirl,

Are you ok?

Not had any updates from you for ages.

Take care!

Js_Other_Half

BG hasn't been online since May 27th...

CarolynH

Js_Other_Half wrote: »

BG hasn't been online since May 27th...

Anyone else more than slightly worried here?

BG - can you PM someone, let us know you're ok?

HUGS

BartGirl

First of all I want to start off by saying Thank U to everyone who’s been concerned about my absence from MSE!

A lot has happened since I was last on here so I’ll try to bring you up to speed..

Last week I had my first proper session with the counsellor. This let to a whole heap of events taking place. Firstly she unearthed a lot of hidden emotions – which I did sort of expect in the first place. Secondly, she asked me a question which totally threw me: what attracted me to OH in the first place. I was genuinely lost for words. Which made me realise how much I have come to despise him of late..

In any case; I told the counsellor that his parents were not aware of the way he’d been treating me, and that I’d only ever mentioned it in passing to a few of his siblings who I know had kept my confidence. She recommended that I should at least mention it to his mother as should I decide to separate from him – they would have been aware of the issues anyway. I was hesitant about this but she also pointed out that perhaps he could come to see the error of his ways through his mother. I told her that he’d warned me about discussing what goes on in our home with anyone else – including his mum. But she still said I should give it a shot. Mention it just the once then leave it at that.

Things became interesting that night when I returned home from working late and was preparing dinner. He started having a go – cant remember over what; and hs did the usual shouting over me; not letting me get a word in edge ways, and the he started slagging off my parents. Who can I just say have never ever uttered a bad word to him or behaved badly towards him either. In fact; they’ve done the opposite. I decided to point this out to him, and asked him whether I had ever said / done anything untoward to either of his parents; and it left him stumped. I then decided to remind him of things that he’d said about my parents – which he promptly denied. I went to grab our ‘Holy Book’ to repeat what I’d said and he started getting really jumpy and started mumbling and muttering about if those things had been said that he didn’t mean it.. he continued though – going off on one – and I continued cooking in silence. I decided to remain non-responsive and this began to wind him up. I told him that as long as he’s effing and blinding; I switch off cos I cant condone the use of that language; and neither do I partake (thank you very much!). he got even madder and said that the more I switch off the more he’ll swear..

I turned around and said to him that I had some advice to share with him..not as his OH; but as someone who sees a need for change. He started smirking at this point. He started saying that if I wanted out I should just leave – and I told him I’d have gone a long time ago if that was what I’d wanted to do. He started saying that he wouldn’t beg me to stay either!!!! ???.. so I continued and said to him that if he half a chance of us staying together he needs to work on 3 things.
1: sort his ‘habit’ out. 2: get anger management and 3: ditch his bachelor lifestyle.
The whole time while I was saying these things- he was smirking; scoffing and laughing at me. He was rolling his eyes and then came up with ‘are you finished yet?’ he then said to me that if I thought that he would hang around based on ‘my rules and regulations’ then I had another thing coming..i didn’t call the shots and he would do as he pleased..so I pointed out that if he wasn’t willing to work on those 3 things then we should call it a day. I went to bed – cos I felt sick to the stomach- literally – at his attitude. So the next day I decided to grass him to his mum.

I was in floods of tears but she stopped me from blabbing further and said that he should be here to witness ‘the accusations’ so that he can speak for himself and raise his concerns if he has any. I agreed to that, and she telephoned him. as usual he didn’t answer his phone, and I pointed out to her that these are the things that p* me off – he deals with people on ‘his terms’ including his own flesh and blood..when he finally had the courtesy to call her back – two hours later! – she asked him to come for dinner; your wife is here why don’t u join us - she didn’t mention what for – he brushed her off and suggested ‘another day’. She said he should come the following day then and he agreed. When I got home that night I got the complete and utter silent treatment. He's obviously picked up on the fact that i'd grassed him - since we'd not spoken since the incident..No surprise there.. the following day we were meant to meet at his mum’s as pre-arranged; he was a no-show. Called her and said ‘something had cropped up’ and re-arranged for the following day. I again pointed out to her that this was his typical ‘don’t care’ attitude that I am sick of. Again that night when I got home it was silent treatment – and he returned home in the wee hours – 3 a.m.ish; and I left early that morning – once the shops were open – and just roamed the High Street!
That evening he did show for the meeting at his mum’s. I basically brought up 2 of the 3 issues I’d raised (omitted the ‘habit’ one) and he did a spectacular performance of accurately displaying his anger; temper etc all in one sitting! The bit that p*d me off was that when I told his mum that his siblings had also raised this issue in the past – she denied any knowledge of it – which I know she is fully aware of. In any case; it was good to see that side of her because although she says I’m her daughter etc etc i now know that whatever happens; he will always be her son – regardless; at the end of the day. So the whole thing ends with him agreeing to work on those things – but with ‘conditions’; such as ‘don’t expect miracles; in my own time; I wont be seeking professional help (anger management and ‘habit’..) and I was told not to ‘push him’ otherwise he will keep losing his temper over the littlest of things..
So that was last weekend. In the last 7 days I’ll just say that from my own personal observations: he aint trying that hard..but I’ll write more later as am at work at the mo’..

basketcase

Good to hear from you BG - was getting a bit concerned!

Are you going to hang around to see if he does change or what?

Keeping_Motivated

Obviously he is a classic case of denial and refusing to take responsibility. He is obviously scared to face things and admit his actions because then he will see the'real' him.

As for you, the way you describe the 'habit' it sounds like you are really coming to despise it and I am not sure how long you can put up with it. I am also sensing that you are not sure yet if you want to leave or you have to?

Take care
KM x

SarahNeedle1872

Good to hear from you BG, I'm sorry that you're having such a torrid time of it again, but I really hope the councelling helps

Sarah x

Mollymop5

thanks for the update BartGirl.You know where I am

skintstudentnurse

LEAVE HIM
LEAVE HIM
LEAVE HIM

Hi Bartgirl, I have lurked and read your thread from beginning to end, this man may be your DS's father biologically but he does nothing else to provide for you, emotionally or financially. My DD1's father was like this, abusive both mentally and physically to me but I was too scared to leave him because I thought I'd never find anyone else and of what he might do to me. I did leave him eventually and I'm so glad now. You have done so well saving up your money and repaying your debts, perhaps the counselling that you are receiving will help you make a decision. I wish you and your boy all the best.