diary of strugglin working mum

CarolynH

What Pavlov said!

You have come SOOOOO far and you are still taking steps. Well done to you. :T :T .

poorbabe

Ditto what everybody else said :T:T

BG, remember that mothers will never give up their sons no matter what they say. I am a sister to 4 brothers and I've watched my mother defend the indefensible especially where her youngest son has been concerned.

You continue with your plans to leave. Sounds like you left mentally a while back but you, like me and many others in the past and the future, will flog that horse til there is no breath before we leave .

Your family might surprise you when you do talk to them, but in any event you still have us to turn to.:A

Keep moving forward lovey, you are doing just fine :T

Keeping_Motivated

BartGirl wrote: »

I guess I do have to reveal all to my parents now.
This now becomes the daunting part. Admitting failure - and they were never really keen on him in the first place.

I suppose it depends which way you look at failure! Is it failing if you move on in life and change things if you are genuinely not happy and not being treated they way you should be in an abusive relationship? Is it failure if you protect your son by getting out of this so he doesn't see this behaviour? Is it failing if you become strong and take control and manage your own life? Is it failure if you gain a better life?

Or would it be failing by staying in a relationship were you are abused and miserable and let yours and your sons life pass by living like that?

KM x

duchy

And even more to the point getting out before your son starts to recognise this kind of behaviour as "normal"

BartGirl

I know i need to post here more regularly but things keep cropping up..

I'll do 2 posts. This one will be about the 'lastest' in BartGirl Manor! The next'll be financial..

Mr BartGirl has been behaving in a very strange fashion lately. I'll have to back-track to bring you all up to speed..the weekend after his mum gave him a rollocking, HE initiated a trip to the Big park with DSs new bike.
I almost fell off the chair; but decided to contain my reaction, and agreed. HE suggested we do it nice and early so that DS can be worn out; have lunch; nap and then 'you can have the afternoon free' read: 'i can get it outta the way and do what i like'. He suggested by midday we should be AT the park and have an hour there. I was all up for it - but lo and behold - come Sunday; he decided to roll out of bed gone 1 o'clock -and found me feeding DS his dessert - then nap-time after! He seemed a little flustered and tried to suggest that we take him straight after his lunch - and i know this would have been a bad idea because DS gets very irritable come nap-time; and OH isnt the most patient of people so part of me thought 'lets go now; then OH can suffer abit and learn a lesson' then he said that he'd rather go later and we can spend longer plus he had things to do on the High Street ??? I shrugged and said he could do as he pleased cos DS had started getting drowsy anyway. He promised he'd be back to take us out - i reminded him it could be chucking it down by then..you know what the weather's like at the moment..but he left The Manor anyway..returned just before DS awoke; had a bite to eat and off we went once DS awoke!
However; he was obviously agitated for some reason cos once he arrived there - coming out of the car he manhandled the tricycle and it promptly fell apart! DS was mortified and he started mumbling comments about 'cheapo good purchased from places like Ebay' which it was not - but i was trying so hard not to laugh that i took DS away to go see the ponies while we waited for him to fix it! The tricycle he had so 'lovingly+caringly put together!!' Not. Eventually he sorted it, and off we went; he continued his mumbling and muttering - cos DS was waving at all the little kids and saying 'Hello' to people. OH was ranting and raving about me not telling him off and encouraging him to speak to strangers; did i not know there are pedo's out there blah blah blah but i refused to let it get to me and ruin a perfectly nice day for DS so i pointed out that DSs 3 yr old tricycle mates in the park were hardly likely to be pedo's..and left it at that. He was obviously quite irritated cos he kept walking off with the trike - leaving me behind at a distance but DS would inevitably start shouting 'wait for mama' which he didnt like either!

It ended up being 3 hours in the park anyway and interestingly enough his mum was constantly ringing him - he would ignore the phone or put the phone on 'silence' then when he finally answered it i caught part of the conversation - he lied and said he'd gone out of town for the day and would see her after 8 when he returned. Needless to say he was at home at 8 watching telly and continued ignoring her calls. He asked me to play ball should she call and ask of his whereabouts - and she actually DID call - but i was giving DS bath at the time so missed the call. But i was not impressed to say the least..its exactly this type of behaviour that he's supposed to be addressing..

Anyway. Since then he seems to have been trying to make some sort of an effort - but in a strange sort of way. He was meant to join me with his 2 neices and DS at our local Fair on Sunday but once again he didnt get up so i left without him. He called later that afternoon and suggested we all meet for dinner instead. I agreed cos i thought he'd be paying but when i arrived i realised it was his brother forking out. I felt really guilty cos his bro is just out of Uni and only works a menial job so it was not really fair of him to do that to him. So i made sure my menu-choice was realistic. OH nontheless chose one of the most expensive items on the menu and was aggravating the waiters etc. Although i did notice that he chose to mind his p's and q's in his brothers presence - which i was really surprised at.

His non-chalant attitude to work is really winding me up though. He didnt go in on either Mon or Tue, and only because he 'couldnt be a*d' which i gleaned from overhearing him on the phone. I on the other hand was out of the house with DS by 6.30 a.m. cos i had an early shift - so of course lights were on etc etc there's 'morning commotion' going on - but it still cant stir him to get up out of bed???. This really does my head in. And on none of those days did he offer to have DS - in fact he picked him up over an hour late from the childminder..which i cant stand. But then he offered to do the dishes on Mon and did them plus cleaned the kitchen at the same time! He has not Touched the sink / dishes since Feb2007. I dont know what that was in aid of; and think he wasnt happy that i didnt shower him with praise etc etc cos he stormed off shortly after; till gone 11pm. I did thank him at the time but that was it. No medals; awards or certificates given out..But on the whole his miserable, sulky attitude has disappeared;he comes home early from work; but his nasty comments remain.

I had another session with the counsellor on Tuesday. She didnt draw tears on this occassion; although she has raised some very poignant points. She asked me to explain to her exactly what it was about OH that made it worth my hanging around. I was genuinely lost for words. She asked me to go away and think about it. She also asked me what I do for me. I didnt really get what she meant initially; but then realised that she meant stuff like getting a manicure; cinema etc etc and i again had nothing to say. So much of my life revolves outside work is about DS and that gives me so much pleasure that i never really think that way. She pointed out that this needs to change. She also said that next week things shall be different and she'll be discussing the tools i need to work through the reasons i am still here - why and to consider what life would be like without him and how i'd cope. It's ironic because he leaves for his trip in 2 weeks and i am absolutely ecstatic! :T

Mollymop5

Hi Bart Girl.Good to read your post and to hear you're sticking with the counselling.Take the time when he's away to visualise what life without him could be like.I used to do this when my ex used to work away.i actually dreaded him coming back which intime made me realise I needed the break.Hang in there

SuzySu

Hi Bartgirl...been following this thread for a while and think you are an amazingly strong woman to put up with this.

Best of luck and positive vibes coming your way (((((hugs)))))

basketcase

Good to hear from you bartgirl.

The counselling seems to be doing you good. Hang on in there!

poorbabe

(((Bartgirl)))

Every so often I nip in to see what the latest is.

Am glad to see the sessions are prodding you to think about YOU and even more happy that 'him' will be off the scene for a few weeks. That will make the sessions more meaningful, as you'll be able to see your situation more clearly :j

Great going :T :T :T

BartGirl

Things haven't panned out the way that i'd hoped they would this month. I had a target of what I'd like to have saved; but what with DSs birthday and some unnecessary retail therapy on my part - I only made about half of that - and its really getting me down.

I currently have diddly squat in my account although there's a little in my savings; i really dont want to touch that if i dont have to..its a nice round £400 figure and i just am loathe to 'dip' into it..

Have also had to send two lots of money back home unexpectedly - which inevitably came out of my savings cos i'd not budgeted for that at all..

Other than that - I've done no Ebaying at all - although I did do a stall at a funfair with a friend - where i sold 'ethnic sweets' and although i made £50; i found a ticket on my car which would have been £30 but now is £60 cos i shoved it in the glove compartment and forgot all about it..:mad:

On the 'up' side I shall be sending my letters off to the credit card companies for refunds of charges and fingers crossed they'll respond 'pretty pronto!'..that is something to the tune of £400 too!

I went to Kent last weekend so spent abit on petrol then went into London and again more petrol. I also ended up going through the congestion charge zone and have forgotten to pay for it! I am scared to contact them cos i know its a £100 fine per occasion - which i cant afford..

I know my mobile bill is going to be double what it usually is - infact i'll call while i write this - its usually about £22/month .. AAAH its now £38. I went over my 'allowance' but i expected it to be £40+..but considering i was easily paying £100 pre-MSE..thats nothing!

In terms of my current debt:

I owe Barclaycard £46.38 and have a standing order for £30 to them. I'm thinking i may reduce that figure to £20 for next payment cos although my account with them is 'closed' and the card isnt active - from what I've learnt on a thread on MSE - people in a similar situation to mine have found that Barclays will credit the 'closed' account and then you begin a battle to get a cheque sent out to you..does this make sense?

I owe Vanquis about £800 - they just upped my credit to £1500!! with a Gold card to boot too!

I owe Provident £108 and usually pay £50/month to her. Its a her now. The 'him' resigned I think..

I'm having problems with Southern Electric though - who sent me a letter saying that due to current usage my direct debit'll increase from £40 month to £90!! I dont know how I'm supposed to challenge that - but if i'm going to make enough savings to get outta here then there's No Way i can afford that..
Having written this thread - i think i'll put some stuff on Ebay now..

Oh! Before I forget - once i've paid off my Barclaycard and Provident - I'd like to get a look at my credit score. When i first joined MSE i did a free trial through Quidco. I cancelled that. It was Credit Expert: Experian. Is it possible for me to get another look without having to pay again?