diary of strugglin working mum

BartGirl

Like I mentioned before - some strange things have been going on here in BartGirl household lately. This is in relation to OH's behaviour. He has actually been behaving like a civilised human-being. Which for those of you who've been following my thread - this is literally unheard of..Lets go back to last weekend. He actually came home EARLY on Friday. In fact he usually shows up after midnight; and when he turned up i guess i was visibly shocked cos i was flabbergasted. He seemed quite taken aback by my reaction cos i told him i thought he was an intruder! He remained pleasant..??? Asked if there was any dinner prepared - which there was not - i politely pointed out that it is not the norm for him to be home - to which he agreed - said he'd pop out for something - he actually offered to get me some too???

Anyway - he remained indoors All Night Long??? Weird. Especially since it was Pay Day AND a friday - therefore every reason to be out-and-about??
Saturday - he stayed home with both of us for the bulk of the day. Sunday he asked if we could take DS to the park then go for a meal after - to a restaurant of my choice??HE would pay! I didnt make a big deal out of it; but obviously agreed to it..although his nasty side did creep up while we were in the restaurant cos he kept shouting at DS - who is a poor eater - tried shovelling food down his throat; which resulted in DS throwing up; and OH accusing DS of deliberately trying to wind him up??? Also I was texting a friend and he started to have a go at me about 'never putting your phone down - addicted to texting - blahblahblah'. And while we were eating the scrumptious food he kept banging on and on about how delicious the food was and he'd go on and on about 'how you can truly appreciate someone who knows what they're doing in the kitchen' and i dont know if that makes me super-sensitive; but i feel like that was a personal dig - cos he Always Always complains about the food i cook. ANyway. We got home, and he spoke to someone on the phone who obviously wound him up; and he hung up and stormed off out of the house. I went to bed.

The following day - Bank Hol Monday, I was working. Despite the fact that his work was also shut, he never offered to have DS for the day, and so i had to pay my childminder to have him. :mad: Days like this i am very very embarassed when i have to take him there cos my childm knows the line of work OH is in - and is therefore very aware that he;d be available to mind his son - but i still end up having to take him to her cos of his selfish attitude. Apart from the embarassment factor, finance also comes into it too...URR! Anyway - I'd left for the day - to go to work - and upon my return he'd not touched the dirty dishes; or tidied up etc and neither had he called to say where he was etc etc. I just got on with cooking; cleaning, DS etc By 10pm he'd not called / turned up so i thought "F* you" and went to sleep. Just before midnight he tries waking me up asking what time i went to bed - i remained incoherent - deliberately!

The following day i was scheduled a Late Start - so reminded OH on his way out - that he'd be picking DS up that day. He gave me a hug and said that he'd had such a nice weekend spending time with us, and that he wanted to start doing that more often. I guess I didnt respond in the best possible way - cos my reply was along the lines of 'well if you enjoyed being with us so much, then how come you couldnt be bothered to come home at a reasonable hour last night? He looked quite sheepish, and agreed he shouldn't have done that - muttered something about a football injury then told me not to make dinner - he'd get us a a take-away tonight. I'd usually come in about 9pm and start slaving away at the stove..so not on Tue! Lo and behold - there the food was upon my return home - i was almost reduced to tears cos i didnt believe he'd actually keep to his word..i guess he saw my reaction and he said to me 'i do think about you; you know ?' i gave him a look to say 'yeah right' and he added 'these days; i do'..which only just serves to confirm that he was intentionally going out of his way to NOT think about me. Which truly winds me up.When he popped out to the shops, he asked whether i wanted anything - i said Nappies, and he bought the biggest pack he could find!!!
His nice-ness didnt last though cos he started being rude to me later that night but i warned him not to talk to me like that - and went to sleep.

Mind you - the rest of the week he's been minding his P's and Q's. He told me he'd be helping more round the house etc etc but thats yet to be seen..he's also asked if i can take some leave in August so we can go on a holiday together - including DS!! I told him I was skint and he said if i can get a good deal - i'm in the travel industry - he'd pay his half towards it; which has never ever happened. I'm still thinking about it though.

It just really makes me feel un-nerved though - and i know putting it all in perspective makes it even weirder because I'm freaked out that OH is being Nice. How strange is that? As a friend has warned me - i shouldnt be lulled into a false sense of security either. She thinks that he's getting paranoid because i have been getting on with doing my own thing without involving him; he's now getting wary of this behaviour.
PHEW! nuff bout OH.

Finance-wise; I've got very little to my name. Far more in the savings than my current account. However; I have got enough food to last till month end..ALL bills are paid up, and have managed to get my debts down to a manageable figure - more on that later.. I got a good deal in my local Superdrug - they had mis-labelled their Huggies £ 2.99 when on the till it came up £ 5.99. I pointed out that they had 4 shelves with the same price on it. So they honoured the £ 2.99 Yippee!!!! :T I also collected my Free Trial Contact Lenses from Boots.
I made a £4.99 Buy It Now Ebay Sale - within 5 hours of listing it!! I have 11 items left ending tomorrow. 8 watchers in total, and no bids yet.
I also got a DVD player through Freecycle. Yippee! But have been so tied up with home, work etc i've not had a chance to try it out yet..AND its a Toshiba! I'm hoping for a headboard now!

I've scrubbed my whole house from top-to-bottom; my arms ache. Dishes done, floors mopped+vaccummed...think i'll watch telly and sleep soon..

Here's to another 'strange' week ahead ? Monday I've got the 1st counsellor appointment. Or at least she said i'll be assessed to see if i need counselling. I dont know if i'll be allowed to take DS with me or not ? I wasnt when i saw the women's aid lady - anyone on here know ?

SarahNeedle1872

It gets curiouser and curiouser! I'd definately agree wth your froend BG, don't be lulled into a false sense of security.... you know from experience what he is like, and despite his concerted efforts to be nice, from what you have said, the real 'him' seems to poke through fairly quickly

Good luck with your appt on Monday

Sarah x

Mollymop5

Good to catch up BartGirl.You take things as they come and I hope the counsellor gives you the support you need and deserve

yoni_one

Usually you can't take a child in a counselling session but some offer creche facilities, i would ring and check so you have time to arrange a child minder.

Bartgirl, your husband's current behaviour is something to be cautious of. His regular methods of control are not so effective and he can sense it.

If you manage to access a Freedom Programme this behaviour is identified and explored to help you fully understand not only that it is a method used by perpetrators but also explains how and why it is used. (The Freedom Programme for women was developed by a woman following her work with perpetrators of Domestic Abuse - and includes thinking and reasons presented in the programme that come directly from mouths of perpetrators).

http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/site.htm

You should be able to access the programme in your area free of charge. Your local WA refuge should be able to signpost you.

I hope you gain much from your counselling sessions.

BartGirl

Thanks everyone for your kind comments.

Its just been like an emotional roller-coaster even though nothings really happened..Its been like that cos its just so nice to be around someone when you're NOT having to walk on eggshells.

He's been nice; civil; polite - even told me this a.m.that I'm doing a good job with DS and he's proud of me..i cant say i know whats brought this on but its just been such a relief to not have to have my 'radar on' 24/7. I dont know if that makes any sense...

I feel emotional about this cos i now realise how stressful and worn out i've been (having my guard up etc) - cos it was my coping mechanism - and i guess now that i've had the chance to 'let my guard down; and chill out more than usual for say the last 5-days ish; it means its brought all my buried emotions etc to the fore-front.

Me thinks i've rambled enough..:rolleyes:

yoni_one

(hug)

The relief of time off from the direct abuse must be huge. And if it has brought buried emotions to the forefront then this is pretty good timing given that you have the opportunity to examine them with a professional on Monday.

You are on the uproad, its a struggle but stick with it coz the view from the top is worth it. :hello:

BartGirl

Thanks Yoni

Think I'll creep under my duvet now. Got an early start tomorrow a.m. I didnt take down the counsellors tel number as i was on the bus when she called me to make the appointment but hopefully the WA lady'll have it and i can call to ask her for their contact details.

sisbod

BG be very careful - it sounds like he is trying to lower your suspicions and guard - it sounds like he is planning something especially re the holiday. Have you created an escape bag? If not perhaps it might be wise and stash it somewhere safe. If you have and it is in the house please check everything is in it as he might have found it and knows what is afoot. I dont want to sound alarmist but it is when they are at their nicest you need to be at your most alert. PLEASE take care and make sure you and the little one are safe -

BartGirl

sisbod wrote: »

BG be very careful - it sounds like he is trying to lower your suspicions and guard - it sounds like he is planning something especially re the holiday.

Please forgive my ignorance but what do you mean by this ? Planning something like what ? I'd be booking the holiday thru my work; and we go halves on it..???

Have you created an escape bag? No i dont have an escape bag - I'm nowhere near ready yet..

If not perhaps it might be wise and stash it somewhere safe. If you have and it is in the house please check everything is in it as he might have found it and knows what is afoot. I dont want to sound alarmist but it is when they are at their nicest you need to be at your most alert. PLEASE take care and make sure you and the little one are safe -

I feel like I should be starting to panic about something but I'm not sure what about ??? Sisbod If you or anyone else can shed some light..pls explain..again forgive my ignorance / naivety..

duchy

I think you don't need to panic-but unexpected changes in attitude or mood can be manipulative and if they don't work he might get stroppy again as he feels wrongfooted..........maybe.
Good luck today