Husband keeps taking my money.

pollypenny

Nessun_Dorma wrote: »

Although I wholeheartedly agree with the first half of your post, I can't understand this whole imbalance of contribution and distribution.

Throughout our married life, Mrs Dorma and I have, at different stages, earned more than the other. We have always seen our contribution as being equal. I just can't understand why some couples see the money they earn as "their own money." Everything I earn and everything Mrs Dorma earns goes into the joint account and everything is paid from there. We spend money on ourselves, taking a responsible and sensible approach and if there is anything major needs spending, we discuss it. Everything we own, from cars to home and all chattels in between (aside from some very, very few exceptions), is jointly owned and we accept joint liability of any debts or expenditures.

It has never once occurred to us to arrange our affairs any differently. It is perhaps one of the main reasons why our marriage has endured for so long (despite some bumps along the way), where others have faltered.

Same here.

Yea, gods, I thought you were a female!

Should have twigged, though.

downshifted

Nessun_Dorma wrote: »

Although I wholeheartedly agree with the first half of your post, I can't understand this whole imbalance of contribution and distribution.

Throughout our married life, Mrs Dorma and I have, at different stages, earned more than the other. We have always seen our contribution as being equal. I just can't understand why some couples see the money they earn as "their own money." Everything I earn and everything Mrs Dorma earns goes into the joint account and everything is paid from there. We spend money on ourselves, taking a responsible and sensible approach and if there is anything major needs spending, we discuss it. Everything we own, from cars to home and all chattels in between (aside from some very, very few exceptions), is jointly owned and we accept joint liability of any debts or expenditures.

It has never once occurred to us to arrange our affairs any differently. It is perhaps one of the main reasons why our marriage has endured for so long (despite some bumps along the way), where others have faltered.

The whole idea of getting married all that time ago was to be a team and share our lives together. We share everything, good times and bad. I generally earned more than him and for a while he was a house husband. There is no mine and his, it's all ours. One pot, which we share.

I understand unmarried couples keeping separate accounts. Married ones not so much. Feels like hedging your bets to me.

LameWolf

maman wrote: »

We've been together 40 years and never had a joint account. If I analyse it, to us, maintaining our own finances symbolises an independence within the relationship and the fact that we're individuals as well as partners. I could say that we've been together that long because of the freshness that keeps in out relationship.

Mr LW and I both got screwed to the wall financially by our respective exes, so to begin with both felt more comfortable keeping our finances separate.

As we both became more confident that history wasn't going to repeat itself, we could have gone for a joint account, but saw no logic in changing a system that worked perfectly well for us.

For day-to-day living, he pays the monthly direct debits and I buy the groceries etc. It works out roughly equal, as we have no mortgage to worry about. We don't bother calculating who's paid what to the last £ either, taking the attitude that it'll even out over time.

NBLondon

pollypenny wrote: »

I thought you were a female!

Might be apparently they let females marry each other nowadays.

Back to the OP. It seems that the cultural background is tied up with an element of pride - that a man must be able to provide for his wife and family without needing her to work or to be subsidised with her family's money. That might or might not work. But it seems odd that the OP talks about the husband "going into my online account". Either it's a joint account or it isn't - and if it is - there needs to be joint discussion as to how it is managed. What exactly are the sources of income? Does the OP have inherited money which is being dipped into or an income from their family that is presumed NOT to be for joint expenditure? Is this going into a joint account or into another account? Why has this taken 15 years to become an issue?

thriftylass

downshifted wrote: »

The whole idea of getting married all that time ago was to be a team and share our lives together. We share everything, good times and bad. I generally earned more than him and for a while he was a house husband. There is no mine and his, it's all ours. One pot, which we share.

I understand unmarried couples keeping separate accounts. Married ones not so much. Feels like hedging your bets to me.

That is very judgemental. Just because we have separate accounts doesn't devalue our marriage or our commitment. Since before we got married and lived together (6 years) DH has paid the mortgage, the insurances etc. and then I paid the electricity after I moved in with him and the groceries as my share etc. This just has never changed and still works while married. We just found it too much of a hassle to have to change all the accounts plus it worked/works. Nothing wrong with that.

Sorry slightly off track form the original question.

If you (OP) have a joint account, then it is joint! If you don't want your husband to touch YOUR money, move it to a different account or have a chat about how the JOINT money is used.

onomatopoeia99

downshifted wrote: »

The whole idea of getting married all that time ago was to be a team and share our lives together. We share everything, good times and bad. I generally earned more than him and for a while he was a house husband. There is no mine and his, it's all ours. One pot, which we share.

I understand unmarried couples keeping separate accounts. Married ones not so much. Feels like hedging your bets to me.

You don't say how long ago it was, but in my parents' generation the tradition was almost to go direct from living with your parents to living with your spouse after marriage, no moving out, renting your own place, maybe buying while still single. So both parties started married life with a financial clean slate.

Nowadays that's way, way less common, divorce and second marriages are common, children from previous relationships, people having their own homes with substantial equity in them etc etc all create a much more complicated financial and emotional picture than back then.

Nessun_Dorma

maman wrote: »

I'm sure you can understand it if you think it through, it's just that it's not the way that you choose to manage your finances. In the workplace one's earnings are received for the work that you as an individual have achieved. It's recognition for ability, experience, workrate etc etc. It's got nothing to do with your partner. You don't get paid differently from a colleague because you have a joint account to support. However briefly before it goes into the communal pot that money is your earnings, recognition of your contribution as an individual in the workplace.


I'm sure my DH and I are not the exceptions that prove your rather smug assertion. We've been together 40 years and never had a joint account. If I analyse it, to us, maintaining our own finances symbolises an independence within the relationship and the fact that we're individuals as well as partners. I could say that we've been together that long because of the freshness that keeps in out relationship.

The problem comes when a couple monetarise their contribution to the effort put in to their lives.

For example, one partner works part-time and earns less money than the other. However, they are the ones who care for children, do the housework and looks after the other partner. Should the higher earning partner pay the other wages? Or is it accepted that their contribution equals the reward the higher earning partner contributes?

ALIBOBSY

Nessun_Dorma wrote: »

Although I wholeheartedly agree with the first half of your post, I can't understand this whole imbalance of contribution and distribution.

Throughout our married life, Mrs Dorma and I have, at different stages, earned more than the other. We have always seen our contribution as being equal. I just can't understand why some couples see the money they earn as "their own money." Everything I earn and everything Mrs Dorma earns goes into the joint account and everything is paid from there. We spend money on ourselves, taking a responsible and sensible approach and if there is anything major needs spending, we discuss it. Everything we own, from cars to home and all chattels in between (aside from some very, very few exceptions), is jointly owned and we accept joint liability of any debts or expenditures.

It has never once occurred to us to arrange our affairs any differently. It is perhaps one of the main reasons why our marriage has endured for so long (despite some bumps along the way), where others have faltered.

This is exactly how we organised it, tbh I usually do the organising of bill paying etc but OH knows roughly what the bills are and we discuss purchases etc. Sometimes I earnt more than him, sometimes the other way around.

We have 4 kids so you could argue me being part time then a full time mum then working from home has saved a fortune in child care costs. But at the end of the day we are a partnership, if you can't sit down and discuss the day to day stuff what kind of marriage is it?

We have known each other for about 23 yrs, lived together for nearly 21 married for nearly 20. Marriage isn't easy and you do argue but the secret to long relationships is being friends and partners in all things, helps get through the difficult times if you know someone "has your back" so to speak.

Ali x

ALIBOBSY

Although I get for some couple organising things differently works. I think when you have kids a joint pot works best as over the years your incomes and costs will vary.

I can see couples of whatever age without kids or with older kids might decide to go the separate route.

My sister and her hubby have a jt ac for bills and separate for wages I think and they pay in a share each month to cover bills.

For us it just made sense that you share your love and you life, so you share everything.

The point is the same though its about being partners and discussing what works best for both of you, the issue is if one partner tries to dictate how things are done and in the OP's case the fact that a reasonable discussion can't be had.

Ali x