Husband keeps taking my money.

maman

Pollycat wrote: »

Does it work the other way too? i.e you can't access your husband's personal bank account.

.

Of course.

I'm glad you've had a talk and feeling better today OP.

I still find it odd that you are happy for your husband to access your account. It may seem like splitting hairs but if I was in your situation we'd agree what I was going to pay off the mortgage and I'd either pay it myself or transfer an amount to him to pay it. My personal account is just that, personal.

ratrace

Fireflyaway wrote: »

That's a bit patronising. I know of many British people who argue over money, use money to control the other partner etc. Also you can still be British and have cultural or religious beliefs passed down by parents or adopted through choice. Being British doesn't magically make one better at managing money. Would this forum exist if that were the case?! Also you can still be of black or Asian decent and be British. You can be Jewish or Muslim, Gay or Straight, Trans and still be British! The two don't come intertwined. Also the 50/50 thing is very simplistic. My husband earns 4x what I do. Splitting everything 50/50 would leave me broke and him well off so that doesn't work for us. My folks lived off just my dads wage so my mums went into savings so now retired they are comfortable. So 50/50 didn't apply there either. What about stay at home mums? Doesn't apply there either.... Each family needs to do what they feel is best, not be worried they are not ' normal'.

Also - if the OP didn't mention cultural reasons would all this ' oh this is the British way' ' etc even be mentioned. Why start banging on about Brexit etc?! Irrelevant. OP wants advice not judgement or hostility.

Aside from this - OP is this new behaviour? Has anything changed? My husband and I have separate accounts for our respective wages and then a joint account for bills. We each pay a share into the joint account and whatever is left in our own accounts we do as with we please ( we don't have access to each others private accounts). Modern day living can conflict with religious and traditional beliefs that's for sure. I know my husband would love to provide financially for everything but where we live and our lifestyle choices doesn't allow it right now so logically it makes sense for me to work too.
Maybe explain to your husband that you feel uncomfortable spending money and don't want to leave the household short. Would it be better to agree on an amount of ' pocket money' each? We agreed on an amount and put it in plastic wallets each week so we don't overspend. You also need to know from a practical view what is in your account. If you go to pay for petrol of groceries and your husband has left you short that could be embarrassing or cause bank charges. Hope you can work it out. Don't assume its you with the problem. Everyone encounters difficulties sometimes so don't be hard on yourself.

Wow finally someone with sense, i was beginning to give up hope :A

NineDeuce

goodwithsaving wrote: »

Sweeping generalisation displaying ignorance of another POV and is completely irrelevent to the original post.

Someone taking things a bit too seriously....

bertiewhite

paye wrote: »

To run a house, two people need to be working.

That depends on how much the house costs to run and how much one person can earn, surely? I’m certainly able to run our house on just my wages.

Guest101

NineDeuce wrote: »

Even if you do have a mental illness, it seems that the culture is the problem. Cultures change all the time.

But dont worry, you arent alone. A lot of people who voted to leave the EU are stuck in the dark ages unable to acknowledge that culture change is a fact of life.

I'm sorry that the vote still haunts you.....

Nessun_Dorma

Fireflyaway wrote: »

That's a bit patronising. I know of many British people who argue over money, use money to control the other partner etc. Also you can still be British and have cultural or religious beliefs passed down by parents or adopted through choice. Being British doesn't magically make one better at managing money. Would this forum exist if that were the case?! Also you can still be of black or Asian decent and be British. You can be Jewish or Muslim, Gay or Straight, Trans and still be British! The two don't come intertwined. Also the 50/50 thing is very simplistic. My husband earns 4x what I do. Splitting everything 50/50 would leave me broke and him well off so that doesn't work for us. My folks lived off just my dads wage so my mums went into savings so now retired they are comfortable. So 50/50 didn't apply there either. What about stay at home mums? Doesn't apply there either.... Each family needs to do what they feel is best, not be worried they are not ' normal'.

Also - if the OP didn't mention cultural reasons would all this ' oh this is the British way' ' etc even be mentioned. Why start banging on about Brexit etc?! Irrelevant. OP wants advice not judgement or hostility.

Aside from this - OP is this new behaviour? Has anything changed? My husband and I have separate accounts for our respective wages and then a joint account for bills. We each pay a share into the joint account and whatever is left in our own accounts we do as with we please ( we don't have access to each others private accounts). Modern day living can conflict with religious and traditional beliefs that's for sure. I know my husband would love to provide financially for everything but where we live and our lifestyle choices doesn't allow it right now so logically it makes sense for me to work too.
Maybe explain to your husband that you feel uncomfortable spending money and don't want to leave the household short. Would it be better to agree on an amount of ' pocket money' each? We agreed on an amount and put it in plastic wallets each week so we don't overspend. You also need to know from a practical view what is in your account. If you go to pay for petrol of groceries and your husband has left you short that could be embarrassing or cause bank charges. Hope you can work it out. Don't assume its you with the problem. Everyone encounters difficulties sometimes so don't be hard on yourself.

Although I wholeheartedly agree with the first half of your post, I can't understand this whole imbalance of contribution and distribution.

Throughout our married life, Mrs Dorma and I have, at different stages, earned more than the other. We have always seen our contribution as being equal. I just can't understand why some couples see the money they earn as "their own money." Everything I earn and everything Mrs Dorma earns goes into the joint account and everything is paid from there. We spend money on ourselves, taking a responsible and sensible approach and if there is anything major needs spending, we discuss it. Everything we own, from cars to home and all chattels in between (aside from some very, very few exceptions), is jointly owned and we accept joint liability of any debts or expenditures.

It has never once occurred to us to arrange our affairs any differently. It is perhaps one of the main reasons why our marriage has endured for so long (despite some bumps along the way), where others have faltered.

Pollycat

Nessun_Dorma wrote: »

Throughout our married life, Mrs Dorma and I have, at different stages, earned more than the other. We have always seen our contribution as being equal. I just can't understand why some couples see the money they earn as "their own money." Everything I earn and everything Mrs Dorma earns goes into the joint account and everything is paid from there. We spend money on ourselves, taking a responsible and sensible approach and if there is anything major needs spending, we discuss it. Everything we own, from cars to home and all chattels in between (aside from some very, very few exceptions), is jointly owned and we accept joint liability of any debts or expenditures.

It has never once occurred to us to arrange our affairs any differently. It is perhaps one of the main reasons why our marriage has endured for so long (despite some bumps along the way), where others have faltered.

This is us ^^^^.

hazyjo

bertiewhite wrote: »

That depends on how much the house costs to run and how much one person can earn, surely? I’m certainly able to run our house on just my wages.

Was going to say the same. I run ours too!

maman

Nessun_Dorma wrote: »

Although I wholeheartedly agree with the first half of your post, I can't understand this whole imbalance of contribution and distribution.

Throughout our married life, Mrs Dorma and I have, at different stages, earned more than the other. We have always seen our contribution as being equal. I just can't understand why some couples see the money they earn as "their own money." Everything I earn and everything Mrs Dorma earns goes into the joint account and everything is paid from there. We spend money on ourselves, taking a responsible and sensible approach and if there is anything major needs spending, we discuss it. Everything we own, from cars to home and all chattels in between (aside from some very, very few exceptions), is jointly owned and we accept joint liability of any debts or expenditures.

It has never once occurred to us to arrange our affairs any differently. It is perhaps one of the main reasons why our marriage has endured for so long (despite some bumps along the way), where others have faltered.

I'm sure you can understand it if you think it through, it's just that it's not the way that you choose to manage your finances. In the workplace one's earnings are received for the work that you as an individual have achieved. It's recognition for ability, experience, workrate etc etc. It's got nothing to do with your partner. You don't get paid differently from a colleague because you have a joint account to support. However briefly before it goes into the communal pot that money is your earnings, recognition of your contribution as an individual in the workplace.


I'm sure my DH and I are not the exceptions that prove your rather smug assertion. We've been together 40 years and never had a joint account. If I analyse it, to us, maintaining our own finances symbolises an independence within the relationship and the fact that we're individuals as well as partners. I could say that we've been together that long because of the freshness that keeps in out relationship.

Gloomendoom

paye wrote: »

To run a house, two people need to be working.

Surely, as long as incoming and outgoing is balanced, there is no need for this to be the case.

Our household could run just on either my wife's or my salary.