Husband keeps taking my money.

Pollycat

maman wrote: »

I wondered that too.


My first reaction was that in my culture too husbands don't go into a wife's personal bank account and take the money (in any event he wouldn't be able to as he I don't tell anyone my login details). To me, that's as unthinkable as my DH opening my mail or going into my handbag. It just wouldn't happen.


We all joke about what's yours is mine and what's mine's my own but it seems OP really wants that:eek:. If it's the case that all the money they have is from Benefits then these will have been awarded with family circumstances taken into account so it may be family money not his/hers. If OP has a private income inherited/gifted from her family then I hope the Benefit people know about it. If she works and feels she should keep some of her earnings (or even some of the Benefits if affordable) for personal spending then why share your banking details??


It's hard to comment further. I can see why OP's husband would be cross if they're on the breadline and she's buying non essentials but don't know enough about the family finances to be give an informed opinion.

Does it work the other way too? i.e you can't access your husband's personal bank account.

There's info in the OP's other posts that may shed light on the couple's finances, unless circumstances have changed recently.

TBagpuss

hello007007 wrote: »

We have been married for 15 years. At first we use to put all our money into a joint account and I didn't mind my husband sharing my money as it was used to pay the bills etc... and likewise I used he joint account to buy things

Nowadays, he keeps going into my online account and using what is need to pay the bills and we are overpaying the mortgage so everything left is put into the mortgage.

Occasionally, he does have a go at me, when I spend my money on luxury stuff (such as things from Lush or Bodyshop) or on my family, (not much just gifts for birthdays) etc.. It's not often but I do sometime think twice about what I am buying just in case it cause an issue.

Before some people get onto their high horse, you need to understand we are both from a culture where a man is not allowed to take his wives money without her permission and in a marriage he has to pay for everything - all her upkeep and the children. Both of our mothers were much better off than our fathers. My mother didn't share her money with her husband unless she wanted too plus my father had to ask for it. He had no access to her accounts. Maybe this has something to do with the way I feel? It doesn't help that I've fallen out of love with my husband.

I have bi polar and I can't really trust my feels, due to my illness. Am I being silly? It would help to know how others share their money with their husbands. Especially how things change over the years you have been married for.

I don't mind paying for my little luxuries with my own money or any gifts for my niece and nephew etc... or even the kids tuition. How much should I be contributing to the marriage? or should I just give everything until we have paid off the mortgage which, if we are really good will be in the next 3-4 years.

Maybe my Bi polar is playing up? I know my husband would have a fight with me if I try to separate the finances and our marriage is already stressed.

I don;t think that there is a single right or wrong way to do it, but it does need to be something you are both comfortable with.

It's reasonable for you to feel upset if he is critical of your spending, particularly if (as it sounds like) you are not, as a family, struggling, and your spending is not excessive.

Rather than seeking to separate your finances completely, why not suggest to him that you each have a separate account for 'spending money' -sit down together and work out how much you both agree could be spared from the monthly budget, and then set up a standing order to each of you. This might be something like £100 a month - you then each get to spend that money however you want, without having to justify or ask permission from the other.

How much it is and what it is for is something you'd need to agree on - if the plan was that you buy all of your toiletries from yours, then it may need to be a bit more than if you agree you will continue to buy 'ordinary' toiletries for everyone from the main shopping budget but will use your own 'spending money' if you want to splash out on something luxurious, for instnance.

However, it might give both of you the option to buy treats for yourselves or your family without feeling that you have to justify it to the other.

It might also be worth talking to him about his moving money around from your accounts. Perhaps you could ask him not to move money without discussing it with you first - so rather than seeking to separate out the finances and tell him not to access your accounts, you're saying "I don't mind you looking, but can you talk to me before you transfer money out"

(an alternative would be for the mortgage and bills to be paid from a joint account, so that it feels more like your joint money than 'yours'.)

Because you mention that you have BiPolar Disorder, do you think that plays into this? Do you think he is worried that you might go on a spending spree when you are 'up' or forget to pay bills when you are down? Or that overpaying the mortgage is really important in case you become unwell and your earnings fall?

It maybe worth asking him whether that's part of it, from his perspective, as that then lets you discuss how each of you feel, and come to an arrangment which works for you both.

seven-day-weekend

Mojisola wrote: »

Me, neither.

The traditions from our two families are different - in one, the men handed over their wage packets, the wives gave back the husbands their spending money and the women managed the family money; in the other, the women were given housekeeping money and the men kept the rest and paid the bills and organised savings. If a wife managed to save on the housekeeping money, the extra was hers to keep.

Neither tradition suited us and we've always had everything joint from the word go. The idea of being richer than my OH is quite bizarre to me.

My mum always had my dad's wage packet and gave him back 'pocket money'; this was their choice but it always seemed so unfair to me as it was him that earned it. We have always had whatever comes in is 'ours', regardless of whose name is on it, and all bills and expenses are 'ours' too. So we deal with those in a Joint Account, our savings come out of this too, although they go into accounts in in separate names, and also our spending money.

goodwithsaving

NineDeuce wrote: »

A lot of people who voted to leave the EU are stuck in the dark ages unable to acknowledge that culture change is a fact of life.

Sweeping generalisation displaying ignorance of another POV and is completely irrelevent to the original post.

onomatopoeia99

NineDeuce wrote: »

A lot of people who voted to leave the EU are stuck in the dark ages unable to acknowledge that culture change is a fact of life.

I voted remain (and would do so again) but I don't agree with you - there were plenty of legitimate reasons to vote leave that had nothing to do with immigration.

None of which is helpful to the OP, who needs to acknowledge that wherever they are from originally, the culture they live in now and need to accept is that of this country.

hello007007

Hi thank you the replies.

We spoke late night and have decided not to put every last penny we have into the mortgage as I think this is the root of the problem. At first it did cause an argument as its my husbands number 1 goal (its mine as well - I want the mortgage paid off but parting with money is more difficult for me) but we were able to sit down as discuss things.

To be honest, he has done remarkably well reducing the mortgage capital and now we don't have long until it's all paid off - this of course has come as a cost. Although, we shall continue to overpay the mortgage just not as strictly as we have been doing as it is making our life financial uncomfortable.

We have decided on treating ourselves - for putting extra into the mortgage (something like a family pamper day, a day out in the countryside or cinema trip once a month). So overpaying the mortgage doesn't feel like such a burden.

I think I bottle things up - hubby was confused why I never told him not to go into my account as I never seemed to mind before. I know he has never taken the money for any other purpose (ie to treat himself etc...) its always been for the betterment of the family but from now 'he will ask my permission' which is very important to me (it's like a sign of a strong women, I dont know if you will understand, it in my head).

PS - I feel bad saying 'I've fallen out of love with him' - I haven't, I was just pi*d off yesterday. feeling much better today

Geoff1963

A couple lived happily together for 20 years. The man would come home each month with his wage packet ; and the wife would give him a modest amount of spending money, while she used the rest to keep the house.
The arrangement came to a rather abrupt end, when she discovered he was paid weekly.

hello007007

Geoff1963 wrote: »

A couple lived happily together for 20 years. The man would come home each month with his wage packet ; and the wife would give him a modest amount of spending money, while she used the rest to keep the house.
The arrangement came to a rather abrupt end, when she discovered he was paid weekly.

Love it! :rotfl:

paye

why don't you offer to pay the mortgage. Cultures where men have to provide in this country are long gone. To run a house, two people need to be working.You should be grateful your husband is pumping money into the house and not gambling it away.

Fireflyaway

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

I don't really understand the reasoning behind "I come from a culture where....".

You're in Britain. Things vary in this country - but overall we believe in managing money within a household in a fair and logical way and it's pretty much the consensus of opinion these days that the bills etc are paid first and what is left is 50/50 his and hers.

That's a bit patronising. I know of many British people who argue over money, use money to control the other partner etc. Also you can still be British and have cultural or religious beliefs passed down by parents or adopted through choice. Being British doesn't magically make one better at managing money. Would this forum exist if that were the case?! Also you can still be of black or Asian decent and be British. You can be Jewish or Muslim, Gay or Straight, Trans and still be British! The two don't come intertwined. Also the 50/50 thing is very simplistic. My husband earns 4x what I do. Splitting everything 50/50 would leave me broke and him well off so that doesn't work for us. My folks lived off just my dads wage so my mums went into savings so now retired they are comfortable. So 50/50 didn't apply there either. What about stay at home mums? Doesn't apply there either.... Each family needs to do what they feel is best, not be worried they are not ' normal'.

Also - if the OP didn't mention cultural reasons would all this ' oh this is the British way' ' etc even be mentioned. Why start banging on about Brexit etc?! Irrelevant. OP wants advice not judgement or hostility.

Aside from this - OP is this new behaviour? Has anything changed? My husband and I have separate accounts for our respective wages and then a joint account for bills. We each pay a share into the joint account and whatever is left in our own accounts we do as with we please ( we don't have access to each others private accounts). Modern day living can conflict with religious and traditional beliefs that's for sure. I know my husband would love to provide financially for everything but where we live and our lifestyle choices doesn't allow it right now so logically it makes sense for me to work too.
Maybe explain to your husband that you feel uncomfortable spending money and don't want to leave the household short. Would it be better to agree on an amount of ' pocket money' each? We agreed on an amount and put it in plastic wallets each week so we don't overspend. You also need to know from a practical view what is in your account. If you go to pay for petrol of groceries and your husband has left you short that could be embarrassing or cause bank charges. Hope you can work it out. Don't assume its you with the problem. Everyone encounters difficulties sometimes so don't be hard on yourself.