Husband keeps taking my money.

hello007007

We have been married for 15 years. At first we use to put all our money into a joint account and I didn't mind my husband sharing my money as it was used to pay the bills etc... and likewise I used he joint account to buy things

Nowadays, he keeps going into my online account and using what is need to pay the bills and we are overpaying the mortgage so everything left is put into the mortgage.

Occasionally, he does have a go at me, when I spend my money on luxury stuff (such as things from Lush or Bodyshop) or on my family, (not much just gifts for birthdays) etc.. It's not often but I do sometime think twice about what I am buying just in case it cause an issue.

Before some people get onto their high horse, you need to understand we are both from a culture where a man is not allowed to take his wives money without her permission and in a marriage he has to pay for everything - all her upkeep and the children. Both of our mothers were much better off than our fathers. My mother didn't share her money with her husband unless she wanted too plus my father had to ask for it. He had no access to her accounts. Maybe this has something to do with the way I feel? It doesn't help that I've fallen out of love with my husband.

I have bi polar and I can't really trust my feels, due to my illness. Am I being silly? It would help to know how others share their money with their husbands. Especially how things change over the years you have been married for.

I don't mind paying for my little luxuries with my own money or any gifts for my niece and nephew etc... or even the kids tuition. How much should I be contributing to the marriage? or should I just give everything until we have paid off the mortgage which, if we are really good will be in the next 3-4 years.

Maybe my Bi polar is playing up? I know my husband would have a fight with me if I try to separate the finances and our marriage is already stressed.

thorsoak

Change your passwords.

Mojisola

hello007007 wrote: »

Before some people get onto their high horse, you need to understand we are both from a culture where a man is not allowed to take his wives money without her permission and in a marriage he has to pay for everything - all her upkeep and the children.

It would help to know how others share their money with their husbands.

How much should I be contributing to the marriage?

You don't have to do as the previous generation did - you can arrange your finances so that things are fair within your relationship.

Why not suggest that everything is considered 'joint' money. Work out how much is left at the end of a month, how much of that you both want to put into overpaying the mortgage and share the remainder between you.

That can be yours and his personal money, kept in individual accounts and spent or saved however each of you wants.

elsien

Personally I wouldn't count things from Lush and Bodyshop as luxuries.
Treats, maybe, but everyone is entitled to treat themselves with their own money without having to explain or feel guilty. If that's how you're feeling, and you're not clearing debt (mortgage doesn't count), then no I don't think you're wrong to feel aggrieved. And you're certainly not being silly.
Your husband doesn't get to unilaterally decide what all the money is spent on. That's a joint decision.

Mojisola

hello007007 wrote: »

we are both from a culture where a man is not allowed to take his wives money without her permission and in a marriage he has to pay for everything - all her upkeep and the children.

Both of our mothers were much better off than our fathers.

My mother didn't share her money with her husband unless she wanted too plus my father had to ask for it.

elsien wrote: »

Your husband doesn't get to unilaterally decide what all the money is spent on. That's a joint decision.

Neither is it fair for the wife to keep all her money to herself.

Like so many of these dilemmas the answer is to sit down together with all the details of the family's monthly expenses and work out what is sensible and fair to both people.

chesky

I know my husband would have a fight with me .....

Do you mean a row or are you concerned about possible physical violence?

Gloomendoom

Mojisola wrote: »

Neither is it fair for the wife to keep all her money to herself.

Based on what she has written, I have no sympathy with the OP.

Like so many of these dilemmas the answer is to sit down together with all the details of the family's monthly expenses and work out what is sensible and fair to both people.

This... but they first need to drag themselves into the 21st Century.

bertiewhite

hello007007 wrote: »

We have been married for 15 years. At first we use to put all our money into a joint account and I didn't mind my husband sharing my money as it was used to pay the bills etc... and likewise I used he joint account to buy things

So what changed and why?

hello007007 wrote: »

Before some people get onto their high horse, you need to understand we are both from a culture where a man is not allowed to take his wives money without her permission and in a marriage he has to pay for everything - all her upkeep and the children.

Seems a little unfair, don't you think? You have your own money but you want his as well? What happened to "a life of shared commitment"?

hello007007 wrote: »

It would help to know how others share their money with their husbands.

Seeing as I earn far more than my wife I make sure the bills & essentials are covered and then what's left, improving the house and then on myself. She spends her money on the "nice stuff", furnishing the house, our socialising and what's left over, on herself. Basically, I take care of the essentials, and she buys the luxuries.

hello007007 wrote: »

How much should I be contributing to the marriage?

I'd say it depends on the ratio of earnings.

[Deleted User]

Hi,

if a couple are happily married, and both have earnings/money, does everything not just go into the 'pot'.

The 'pot' will be used for general household costs, bills, food, upkeep, presents for family/grandchildren, etc.

Jings, youse are married, its a joint agreement.

Just be happy together and cut out the aggro.

kazwookie

If you are unhappy with your husband taking 'your' money change your banking ID and password,or change banks all together.

If you are married what is yours is his and visa versa.

In your culture........maybe things have to change, you need to talk to him and sort who does what, what is whoes etc

hazyjo

Do you think he's accumulated debt that you're unaware of if this is fairly new behaviour?


Just have a set amount each to spend on whatever you like every month - with no expectation on anything being left over from it. Whether that's £10 or £100 is entirely up to you both.