Desperate for a baby - but now things have changed

VintageHistorian

wad91 wrote: »

I have been on the pill for 10 years

I'm sure that this will open a can of worms on this thread, but - low sex drive and "mild" depression are both side-effects of taking the contraceptive pill. I experienced both while on it, and even after trying several different kinds I only really "got better" after coming off it entirely and getting it out of my system. Not ideal as it seriously restricts our contraception choices (I don't want to risk using the implant in case the hormones in that have a similar effect), but in my case it's the best thing for me and our relationship, and my husband is supportive of this.

I do think you also need to go back to counselling. The NHS might think 12 weeks is a suitable amount of time, and I'm sure that for some people going through a tough time it is. But if you're trying to cope with something traumatic that happened years ago, then it will take much longer for you to assess, evaluate, and come to terms with what happened. You need to learn better, healthier coping mechanisms, and that takes dedication and often a bit of outside help. So now is the time to get that outside help. Do not have a baby while you're still working through this, the hormones and sleepless nights will not help you with any of this.

I do however think that you need to tell your husband that you feel he keeps moving the goalposts, and that while you can understand his concerns about having a baby while you're coping with mental health challenges, it is spectacularly unhelpful in dealing with those challenges when he won't be upfront and honest with you. He probably thinks it's protecting you in the long run, but I think you need to be clear that it has to stop, and that if he wants to wait until you're in a better frame of mind before trying for a family, then that is what he needs to say.

Red-Squirrel_2

I think the first thing you should do is go back to your GP and explain that the counselling has basically opened up a can of worms in terms of your wellbeing and mental health and that you need more long term, ongoing support.

meer53

A baby will not make everything OK, it isn't the answer to your relationship/mental health issues. You're young enough to try to sort these out before trying for a baby, there's no rush.

pearl123

wad91 wrote: »

During our relationship my mental health has gotten worse, but this is because i promised him i would go to the GP, try medication, try counselling. Unfortunately what they don't tell you is that talking therapies bring a lot of emotions, feelings and memories to the surface that had previously been locked away.

Please don't see me as a cold-hearted person as i really am not.

It is better to be a mentally stable and have happy state of mind before bringing children into the relationship. Being brought up by someone who is mentally unstable can have lasting damage upon a child. I speak from experience.
You are still young and there really is plenty of time to have children. In your situation with a partner who is not keen, I'd review it in a couple of years.
If you find things a struggle then it's worth mentioning it to your GP.

jamiehelsinki

Why would he want to get trapped in a relationship with so little sex?

pearl123

Jamiehelsinki wrote: »

Why would he want to get trapped in a relationship with so little sex?

You can still have a loving relationship without tons of sex. People also can have low libedo.

wad91

Thanks everyone for your replies. I didn't realize how kind you would all be.

I haven't had a chance to speak with my husband properly since this post, but you have helped me try and address the issue with him to try and boil down to his true intention. Whether that be waiting because of my current mental health or if he actually really doesn't want children.

It has only been 2 months since my counselling stopped, so i'm going to wait a little longer before going back to my GP for more help. I really don't want to be a burden on anyone, and i would rather give myself a bit more of a chance to 'settle' again before going back. If things do not improve in the next month i definitely will book another appointment.

The cost of counselling isn't an issue, i just never found out how much it was. Money is not an issue but it is difficult to think about spending money on myself when it seems pointless (aka what is the point).

Regarding the pill issue, that isn't something i'd thought of. I've had a bit of a google and have seen various comments on this pill (desogestrel) linking to low mood and lack of libido. I am coming off the pill at the end of this month anyway to give my body a break as part of a pre-conception plan. Hopefully this will help improve things too.

BorisThomson

I am coming off the pill at the end of this month anyway to give my body a break as part of a pre-conception plan.

Please be upfront with your husband about this. If you do have sex you'll need to use alternative contraception. If you don't have sex, then there is no pre-conception plan.

Mojisola

wad91 wrote: »

It has only been 2 months since my counselling stopped, so i'm going to wait a little longer before going back to my GP for more help.

The cost of counselling isn't an issue, i just never found out how much it was. Money is not an issue but it is difficult to think about spending money on myself when it seems pointless (aka what is the point).

It's not pointless to improve your well-being and self-esteem - whether you end up getting pregnant or not, you'll be happier for the rest of your life if you improve your mental health.

If you are going into a 'pre-conception phase', review your diet. Eating healthily can improve your mood as well as giving a baby the best start.

PeacefulWaters

I'd suggest £50 a session as a rough going rate for a half decent private counsellor.

I'd also suggest that the things to do before having a baby list that your husband led on was perfectly reasonable.

But it does sound as if you have work to do on yourself before bringing a new life into the world.