Desperate for a baby - but now things have changed

wad91

Thankyou again everyone for your comments.

I guess to some extent i just feel like i have put everything on hold in an effort to always try to latest 'requirement' and the underlying issues have not gone away.

Perhaps he has been putting me to the test by giving me a new 'task' to achieve, but not really wanting me to do it...

I really appreciate all the comments on our sex life. It is so frustrating as since going on anti-depressants my sex drive has plummeted and not returned - even after coming off them and being off them for over a year.

I'm not sure if this is something that anyone can give any PG-13 advice on, but it's what i really struggle with. The idea of sex to me is awful, but once we actually do it it's fine and enjoyable. It's just the idea/thought that makes me feel very uncomfortable and i know i shouldn't feel that way but it's just one of those things i am trying to work through.
Past experiences have tainted my look of this, and i'm really trying.

It is a bitter pill to swallow knowing that I am the sole reason and cause for the disfunction we are currently having.

lika_86

Being generous to your husband, maybe he is concerned about your mental health and having a baby. It sounds like you've relatively recently (in the grand scheme of things) adjusted to life without medication, maybe he's worried that you'll get hit with PND and is concerned about how you will cope. Maybe the other hurdles have actually been a bit of a delaying tactic to get you in a mentally healthy place first.

Ronaldo_Mconaldo

I would get over your fear of sex otherwise you'll find that your husband has gone off to satisfy that need with someone else.

OldMusicGuy

I was in a similar situation with my first wife. We got married young, definitely too young. We worked hard and got a house in our early twenties but then my wife announced she wanted us to have our first child by the time she was 25. Now while I wasn't completely averse to having kids at some stage, at that time of my life I wasn't sure what what I wanted to do career-wise and I wasn't ready to take on the commitment of both a mortgage and a family. That pressure was the main reason that the marriage broke up and we went our separate ways.

Based on that experience, I then said I never wanted kids. But in my next long-term relationship, we decided to have a family when were in our late 30s. We kept to one child, as we were older, and it has turned out to be the best thing I ever did and I am still with my partner after 25 years. 23 year-old me would never have believed I would ever say that.

I'm hearing similar things here. You appear to have just said you want kids without looking at it from your husband's point of view. Just because you say you want kids doesn't mean it's right for both of you. What does your husband want out of life? How happy is he with his career and the direction of his life right now? He may be worried about the financial demands and stresses that having a family will place on you both (I know I was). I would suggest you sit down and have a serious talk about what you both want out of life, not just tell him want your demands are. And if you both decide you want different things out of life, there's nothing wrong with that, better to split up before you have kids rather than twist his arm into having them before he is ready and have that cause a break up.

Also, IMO you need to be in the right place emotionally to have kids. It can be very stressful and demanding (it was for us). Maybe you will be lucky and sail through it but my wife found it tough. If you have had issues with depression and anxiety, having a baby could make things even worse.

Don't try to blame yourself, that's too harsh. Try to see it from both sides and see if you have enough common ground to move forward. People can want different things out of life, no one is right or wrong. And people do change over time as well..... Counselling sounds like a good idea (as others have said).

EDIT: just re-read your post and it seems like you have at least had some discussion. He said he was scared of the change it would have on your life. Let me say from my own experience, it was very daunting for me to think about having kids. I really had to be ready emotionally and financially and also feel in a secure relationship. Maybe you need to focus on the two of you first and back off the "we'll do it when we have done x". He is clearly not in a good place right now regarding having kids.....

helcat26

I will say up front that I am not meaning to be nasty to you- please believe me.


But your posts make me so sad for your husband. This drive to have a baby seems to relegate him to being a provider and a sperm donor. You don't mention love, you don't mention other intimacy other than sex and you certainly do not mention happiness.


It sounds a bit grim to be honest.


What if it turns out that you cannot have kids? It happens! What else is there in your life and marriage to gain satisfaction from?


And if you can have a child is that going to be it- he never gets any attention again?


You are not paying the price to have a child by saving up and doing a bit of DIY. you are supposed to be planning a future together.


As it reads in your posts you want to get pregnant and then concentrate on the kid and he can just evaporate.
Poor man- how cold.

wad91

I wrote my post this morning in a bit of a tizzy, and didn't want to write an essay so sorry for not going into enough detail.

I am very much in love with my husband. I feel awful that i cannot currently give him the intimacy that he deserves from a loving relationship. All other aspects of our relationship are very happy. We laugh and have fun, do things together, plan things together. He has a job he loves, and i support him in the other aspects of his life. He has hobbies that take up a lot of time on evenings and weekends and he has always been over the moon with how supportive i have of him, and is always telling his friends how amazing i am for letting him 'get on' with the things he does on evenings and weekends.

He does not provide for me financially, we both work full time and earn about the same wage and everything is split (just to cover that).

When i'm upset and tell him that i feel i provide 'nothing of value' to anyway, he says that i make him happy. But surely that cannot be all that i live for, without that sending incredibly selfish?

We have spoken about having children numerous times. I have made it clear that i don't just want a baby, I want to start a family with him.
We have sat down together and planned the decor of the nursery. I've painted half of the room in colours we picked together. We made a budget to make sure we can afford to even start a family whilst on maternity pay.

During our relationship my mental health has gotten worse, but this is because i promised him i would go to the GP, try medication, try counselling. Unfortunately what they don't tell you is that talking therapies bring a lot of emotions, feelings and memories to the surface that had previously been locked away.

Please don't see me as a cold-hearted person as i really am not.

LannieDuck

I think posters are being very generous to your husband. IMO, he needs to be a lot more honest about his desire (or otherwise) for babies.

One excuse after another suggests that he doesn't want them (at least right now), but can't bring himself to tell you.

fairy_lights

wad91 wrote: »

We have sat down together and planned the decor of the nursery. I've painted half of the room in colours we picked together. We made a budget to make sure we can afford to even start a family whilst on maternity pay.

You've already started decorating a nursery, for a child you haven't even started trying to conceive yet? :eek:
You mention your husbands hobbies - do you have any interests yourself outside of the relationship? It sounds like you're desperately clinging to the idea of a child as the thing that will give your life meaning.

BorisThomson

If you think that sex is awful, that suggests any baby making efforts will be exactly that. There's nothing worse than robotic, going through the motions sex.

I have a male friend who was in a similar situation. He wanted a child too, at some point, but she was fixated. She'd monitor her cycle and call him at work to tell him it was the right time! He'd be expected to perform on demand. They're divorced now.

BorisThomson

fairy_lights wrote: »

You've already started decorating a nursery, for a child you haven't even started trying to conceive yet? :eek:

This ^^ Even if you were trying it could take years to conceive.