Desperate for a baby - but now things have changed

Takeaway_Addict

wad91 wrote: »

I wrote my post this morning in a bit of a tizzy, and didn't want to write an essay so sorry for not going into enough detail.

I am very much in love with my husband. I feel awful that i cannot currently give him the intimacy that he deserves from a loving relationship. All other aspects of our relationship are very happy. We laugh and have fun, do things together, plan things together. He has a job he loves, and i support him in the other aspects of his life. He has hobbies that take up a lot of time on evenings and weekends and he has always been over the moon with how supportive i have of him, and is always telling his friends how amazing i am for letting him 'get on' with the things he does on evenings and weekends.

He does not provide for me financially, we both work full time and earn about the same wage and everything is split (just to cover that).

When i'm upset and tell him that i feel i provide 'nothing of value' to anyway, he says that i make him happy. But surely that cannot be all that i live for, without that sending incredibly selfish?

We have spoken about having children numerous times. I have made it clear that i don't just want a baby, I want to start a family with him.
We have sat down together and planned the decor of the nursery. I've painted half of the room in colours we picked together. We made a budget to make sure we can afford to even start a family whilst on maternity pay.

During our relationship my mental health has gotten worse, but this is because i promised him i would go to the GP, try medication, try counselling. Unfortunately what they don't tell you is that talking therapies bring a lot of emotions, feelings and memories to the surface that had previously been locked away.

Please don't see me as a cold-hearted person as i really am not.

What did you expect it to do?

wad91

Takeaway_Addict wrote: »

What did you expect it to do?

Not make daily life 100x worse?

Mojisola

wad91 wrote: »

I struggle with meeting new people and dislike crowds of people/being with people i don't know.

Are you planning on keeping any child you have just at home with you alone?

If you can't get out about to groups and events with your child, he/she is going to miss out on a lot of fun.

FBaby

Could the issue be that your husband worries that your mental health issues will mean that you will struggle to cope with being a mum? What if you get severe pnd and he has to look after you and baby? If he enjoys his job he could be worried that it forces him to leave it. Maybe he is worried and anxious about your mentsl health wondering if you'll ever get better but he can't tell you that because bge didn'tvwanted upset you send make you feel even more anxious.

I think you should ask him if this is thecreal issue for him and if it is then you can set your own goal. Put all your energy on getting better and when you are which will mostvlikely lead to you rekindling your sex life, trying for a baby will become a matural extension of it.

Geoff1963

we have only had sex a handful of times in the last few years

The word covers a whole range of activities. Maybe the pair of you need to be more creative. If you take it to include anything you wouldn't do on the sofa in front of your mother, there are a lot of options. Maybe you could buy some kind of instruction manual, 2 copies, and each tick the relevant pictures ; then compare notes.

and that will go to nothing if we have a child

That is disproven by the word, "siblings".

Teach him how to make you happy, and then let him practise.

chesky

You haven't found out about the cost of continuing with counselling, even though the counsellor was encouraging. Yet you are considering having a child which is hugely expensive.

Loz01

If you have these issues and struggle to go out, don't you think you will become even more isolated when you have a screaming newborn baby on your hands? What about when your OH goes off to work or to play sports then and leaves you with the baby?

bagpussbear

wad91 wrote: »

I had 12 weeks of intensive counselling, recommended by my GP specific to my 'issues' which i'd rather not say but may have been hinted by the topic in of some of my posts on this thread.
I really don't feel there is any resolution to these problems. It's something that happened that i can't change, and i will probably never change how i feel/felt about it. it's just easier to put it in my past.
The counselor was absolutely lovely but as it was 'on the NHS' i didn't qualify for any more beyond the 12 weeks. She did say that i could pay for sessions if i ever needed to pick them up again, but i have no idea how much they would even cost privately.

Honestly i really don't think that counselling worked for me, but at least i tried it. It has made things worse unfortunately but I'm really hoping i can put that behind me because at least things were manageable before.

I really didn't feel that my mental health was an issue before counselling, but now it makes every day life difficult.

I'm sorry you and your husband are experiencing problems.

Speaking as someone who has received counselling myself, 12 weeks of sessions are not enough for someone with deeper problems/past experiences. Also it may be another counsellor would bring out a more positive experience for you.

If you can afford it, pay for a counsellor privately. One of the best things I did.

Bringing a baby into this relationship - at this time - would be the wrong thing. Your marriage is not stable.

Message me if you want to talk about counselling, I don't mind saying more about my experience if you need someone to talk to :-)

Jenniefour

wad91 wrote: »

I had 12 weeks of intensive counselling, recommended by my GP specific to my 'issues' which i'd rather not say but may have been hinted by the topic in of some of my posts on this thread.
I really don't feel there is any resolution to these problems. It's something that happened that i can't change, and i will probably never change how i feel/felt about it. it's just easier to put it in my past.
The counselor was absolutely lovely but as it was 'on the NHS' i didn't qualify for any more beyond the 12 weeks. She did say that i could pay for sessions if i ever needed to pick them up again, but i have no idea how much they would even cost privately.

Honestly i really don't think that counselling worked for me, but at least i tried it. It has made things worse unfortunately but I'm really hoping i can put that behind me because at least things were manageable before.

I really didn't feel that my mental health was an issue before counselling, but now it makes every day life difficult.

Short term counselling is fine to address very specific issues where someone otherwise functions well and doesn't have a particularly difficult history, or to make a start on working through issues so that the individual begins to see they have the capacity for understanding themselves better and change possibilities. 12 hours cannot possibly be sufficient to address longstanding and serious issues that you have probably struggled with for many years. So I would suggest you find a low cost counselling service, if you can't afford normal fees, and carry on with the work for as long as you need to, and would benefit from. And give some consideration to couples counselling.

However, you also say "..but this is because i promised him i would go to the GP, try medication, try counselling.". So do make sure you go to counselling for yourself and you want to be there, even though your husband thinks it's a good idea too. If you go just because you want to please him then the potential benefits will be limited.

And, yes, counselling is painful at times, and opens up a lot of previously hidden feelings, that's a normal part of the process. The alternative is allowing the difficult, unresolved parts of the past to keep repeating themselves in some way, and sabotaging our lives, because we don't know how to manage them.

I think your husband is very concerned, and wants to support your well being. He is also trying to articulate what he isn't happy with, and I would encourage you not to interpret his comments about your sex life as demands. Probably a wiser choice to resolve the relationship issues now rather than find yourselves in deeper difficulties with a new baby. It's no coincidence that some couples break up when babies come along/children are small. Couples need to be sure their relationship with each other is resilient enough to get through those early years with children together, because that's when they are more likely to feel the most strain of being parents. They also need to be sure that having a baby is not somehow expected to be the solution to any relationship problems.

cr1mson

I might be completely wrong in my reading of this but it sounds like you want a baby to help heal you and because it is the done thing. I don't know if you are trying to prove that whatever happened hasn't affected you by having a child.

Your husband sounds like he hasn't got the heart to tell you no not now so comes up with reasons not to. When you defeat those reasons he just comes up with another one as he can't bear to say no.

Please look into further counselling as pregnancy and childbirth can stir up painful memories and emotions speaking from experience and if you are struggling now it could make it far worse. Think of it as part of your pre-conception planning rather than not having a baby.

Hope you find a way through all this.