Desperate for a baby - but now things have changed

AubreyMac

Although you may have some issues that need to be worked on, I also think you have every right to be peed off with your husband for stringing you along.


You've made your desires clear to him but he hasn't. Or at least, what he says and does is different.

Primrose

I suspect your husband really doesn't want children at all but did want to marry you, and all the excuses he made were a way of delaying facing up to a situation he doesn't want to happen. He probably now feels he's up against a brick wall with a pistol to his head and if this is genuinely how he feels but is unable to be honest with you, he may well suddenly flip and walk out of your marriage.


I think you both really need to be honest with each other about this You also seem to have a lot of unresolved issues. Between the pair of you, this has created a marriage which is probably barely functioning at a genuine level. Do you want a baby more than you want a marriage? I can see that your husband feels he's only required as a sperm provider. All he can see is years ahead of a sexless marriage once you have the baby you want and he is asking himself "is this what I want for the rest of my life?" At some point, if you're starting to feel desperate about creating a family, you may be forced to choose between one at the other and end up with neither.

You say you have satisfied all the criteria for a suitable environment to bring a baby into the world. I'm afraid this isn't true. You have a husband who is alienated, feeling unwanted except as a sperm provider and asking himself how much longer he can function in this kind of relationship. Yes, he should have been more honest if he genuinely doesn't want children but with the problems you admit you've been having, he's probably been wondering what kind of relationship he would be bringing them into.


Time to sit down for some serious talking and probably some relationship counselling.

wad91

fairy_lights wrote: »

You've already started decorating a nursery, for a child you haven't even started trying to conceive yet? :eek:
You mention your husbands hobbies - do you have any interests yourself outside of the relationship? It sounds like you're desperately clinging to the idea of a child as the thing that will give your life meaning.

We bought the house last year and have been slowly redecorating the rooms one-by-one. This is the last one to be done, so it made sense to put down new flooring and paint it in a color that would be suitable for a child's room, rather than having to redecorate it again in the future.
We haven't bought any nursery furniture... and i never would until i was pregnant! It is purely paint and flooring but we chose it together and that was the intention of the styles/colors we chose. I distinctly remember him commenting on the room being for 'the baby' when viewing the house.

I am not trying to rush anything. I've never pressured him to make a snap decision. I just want to know where i stand.
I don't want to, and never would mislead him into having a child that was 'unplanned' as I've seen many people recommend on other threads for 'I want a baby and my husband doesn't'.

I don't have any hobbies I struggle with meeting new people and dislike crowds of people/being with people i don't know. I have tried things but never got on with them.
I am good at my job, and enjoy it to some extent, which i'm sure is more than some people can say about their jobs.

wad91

BorisThomson wrote: »

This ^^ Even if you were trying it could take years to conceive.

This is another thing that terrifies me.
My mum had trouble conceiving (there is a 9 years age gap between me and my sister, they were trying the whole time)
My sister took 4 years to conceive her first child
His family has a history or PCOS (although i'm not sure if it has any bearing on him at all)
I have been on the pill for 10 years

I have already waited 7/8 years, what if by the time he is ready it takes another 8 years

Marvel1

Sounds to me as if husband never wanted any and made excuses to string you along.

chesky

Are you still continuing with the counselling? You admit it's brought to the surface things you had buried, but you have to keep with it in order to get some kind of resolution to your underlying problems. You really shouldn't try for a baby until these are resolved - the last thing your relationship needs is you with post-natal depression.

stormbreaker

Whilst you are working on some 'stuff' as you say and he is supportive, I can understand his reluctance to start a family until you have come out the other end.

Pregnancy is not something to be taken lightly and can have an extreme effect on your mental health and wellbeing with the changing of hormones. It could be a catalyst to a backward step in your mental health.

chesky

On a different issue - what ARE his hobbies that take him away evenings and weekends? Is it not possible for you to join him, even just occasionally?

wad91

chesky wrote: »

Are you still continuing with the counselling? You admit it's brought to the surface things you had buried, but you have to keep with it in order to get some kind of resolution to your underlying problems. You really shouldn't try for a baby until these are resolved - the last thing your relationship needs is you with post-natal depression.

I had 12 weeks of intensive counselling, recommended by my GP specific to my 'issues' which i'd rather not say but may have been hinted by the topic in of some of my posts on this thread.
I really don't feel there is any resolution to these problems. It's something that happened that i can't change, and i will probably never change how i feel/felt about it. it's just easier to put it in my past.
The counselor was absolutely lovely but as it was 'on the NHS' i didn't qualify for any more beyond the 12 weeks. She did say that i could pay for sessions if i ever needed to pick them up again, but i have no idea how much they would even cost privately.

Honestly i really don't think that counselling worked for me, but at least i tried it. It has made things worse unfortunately but I'm really hoping i can put that behind me because at least things were manageable before.

I really didn't feel that my mental health was an issue before counselling, but now it makes every day life difficult.

wad91

chesky wrote: »

On a different issue - what ARE his hobbies that take him away evenings and weekends? Is it not possible for you to join him, even just occasionally?

He plays sport. I do occasionally go with him or give him a lift to/from games and training. Admittedly i don't go as often as i used to, but i still make an effort to go to more important games, and at home i always help get kit washed/packed, make lunches etc.
A few of the team's partners have newborn babies now, and whilst i try not to be bitter it sometimes can't be helped when i'm the only one without child around 3 mothers talking about how fantastic their new babies, quizzing me about why haven't we had one yet.

I put a brave face on but later at home i will cry about things like that...