No "T" words mentioned at all - the continuation thread

pollyanna_26

Hope your husband's knee improves SM . I think pretty well everyone loves Paddington . He's a memory for a number of generations . I posted on the fence recently about standing outside M&S watching the ad over and over again on the big screen with a big grin on my face .
My eldest daughter may have those candlesticks think they were White Co or Laura Ashley or similar . She could qualify for the England rugby team the number of times she's dived forward to catch one .
i think your gift idea is perfect . I recently bought the Scandi Christmas book which is lovely. One of the very easy projects is a Hygge wool bag . It's basically a blanket made into a bag ( I wont cut up a wool blanket but will use a basket or similar ) There are thick winter socks , you could do bedsocks instead . Long candles in the socks and tea lights and a covered matchbox also in the bag . i plan to add some good hot chocolate and some biscuits . A hug in a bag really . A reusable shopping bag would be fine .
You can look through the book on Amazon but not sure if it shows the bag .
Meanwhile have a good week down south . Will probably busy . It was like Christmas eve in the nearby town on Friday .
Now I need Lemon Cake !
polly x

Floss

SM I think that sounds lovely - thoughtful and tasty!

ivyleaf

Mmmm......lemon sponge.....(said in Homer Simpson's voice)

I'm all right thank you Scottishminnie, I tend to post more often on the garden fence thread, but also got "family stuff" going on. We're going to spend a few days with my poorly brother in Germany, in a couple of weeks' time, so we've been busy organising that and trying to make sure we both have suitably warm clothing for the trip. He and his wife are meant to be coming over for Christmas but it's looking increasingly as if he won't be well enough by then, so we are going to see him just in case. We've promised to take him some Tunnock's Caramel Wafers of course, the Aldee version is cheaper, but I bet he'd be able to tell the difference, so will get him the "proper" ones.

Candlelight and Hoglet are much missed! I hope they're okay.

Fuddle I wouldn't dream of arranging to take my grandchildren out without checking with their parents first, but tbh I can sort of imagine DD2's MIL doing that and then being astonished that their parents weren't happy!

fuddle

SM go for it. You will adore Paddington 2. It's a good story, great actors, funny and heart wrenching a little too. I enjoyed it, laughed and shed a little tear. I came away with fuzzy feelings.

Floss you are so kind but honestly I have oodles of baking kit. Thank you for your kind offer though.

DH didn't speak with his Mam last night. No. Her text saying they have decided they don't want to spend Christmas with us beat him to it. He was furious and just uttered 'you can reason with stupid'. This has gone so bad.

I have bigger problems though. Unfortunately I have had to call into the surgery at 9am this morning. The receptionist got me in straight away. My nice doctor was on-call thank goodness so knows all what has gone on without needing to look back through the notes. I have been having twinges by my heart all morning. I am scared but he has assured me he can't hear a murmur, there are no mufflng sounds indicating fluid around my heart again and my lungs sound clear. What is concerning is that my heart rate was 140+ and my blood pressure was high. He has found that the echocardiogram had never been ordered from last month so I'm going to go back to the nurse this afternoon for blood tests to check for infection, and ECG and then the nurse will take that ECG there and then and he will book the referral to the cardiac unit and give me it there and then. I'm to take a BP and heart rate monitor home this afternoon too. The GP is concerned that my heart rate is often high, spikes and drops quickly and he doesn't want damage to happen. He said after all these tests he may look at whether I need to take a medication to slow the heart rate down, although I can't have beta blockers because of my asthma.

Oh ladies I am in such a pickle. I understand that I am upset and worked up over the mother in law but to feel stabbing twinges by my heart because of that I just can't understand. I'm so scared you know. I'm tired but maybe a step closer to getting some understanding. I've dealt with enough of life these years to not get worked up about something like mil situation but it's come at a time where I'm trying hard to fight many worries of my own and I just don't have the strength to brush this off because this situation isn't about me, it's about DH and the girls having a fractured relationship with MiL and because I know how the family work we will be outcast because it was me that ruffled feathers. It doesn't matter who was in the right or wrong. I am the one wrong by default because I didn't just put up and shut up. The truth of what really happened will be lost now. I've seen her do this. She will twist the story to make me look like a fool, her righteous and the whole thing will be all round the family. I can hear them now 'Eeee our 'MiL, that's disgraceful for her to have a go at you like that. What a bit*ch our 'DH' wife is and fancy stopping you from seeing the kids at Christmas? Eeee our 'MiL' that's such childish behaviour. You cannat take it out on the kids mind. What a nasty piece of work she is'.

Floss

Fuddle maybe if your GP's concerns about your blood pressure and heart are proven she can be told that she has made you quite unwell with permanent consequences...

Trite words I know, but try to relax a little. I won't send a hug as it is driech and damp here and you won't want that!

P.S. DH bought me the first Paddington DVD for my birthday before last - I got 3 presents: a jar of marmalade, a crusty loaf and the DVD and we watched it eating marmalade sandwiches with champagne:)

pollyanna_26

First of all the tests etc will show what's going on so well done for getting straight to the Dr . Hopefully it will be upset and anxiety over the recent happenings . However if any treatment is needed that should be sorted quickly . Your doctor is listening and acting so I wouldn't worry there .

As for MIL etc from your description of the reaction likely from her family I think you've reached a point where you and your husband need to think long and hard whether it is worth putting yourselves and the girls through these situations .

You didn't ruffle a few feathers , you said what was needed . MIL seems to be free to act as she feels with everyone but yourselves backing her all the way . She has the control in the family but it doesn't mean she has the right to control your family .

The attitude from Jones comes across as envy of the way you've pulled your lives around and MIL and others may be the same .
Unless you make yourself into a willing doormat you will never be free of these twisted and manipulating situations . In fact even if you lie down and let them walk over you I doubt you'll be treated any better as a result .

I wonder if the fact MIL sent your husband to be brought up by his father has a bearing on this . You've built a lovely little family together and maybe there is envy, regret or some other emotion driving this treatment of you whether she's aware of it or not .

I'll light " your candle " again , talk things through and hard as it is try to stay calm . Do the breathing exercises and try to control the stress levels although I'm aware that's easier said than done when your mind is racing.

Polly xxxx

[Deleted User]

Sweetie, your twinges and heart rate and high blood pressure are all likely caused by the agitation and fury you so rightly feel over MILs thoughtlessness, her reaction a 'knee jerk' because she feels 'slighted' and in her heart knows she is in the wrong but won't admit it even to herself so then the 'fault' must be yours??? She will be feeling righteous at the minute but it will dawn on her that she shouldn't have done things the way she did. If it will make life simpler you CAN just walk away and sever ties no one gets to choose family and just because you're married to her son doesn't mean you have to take what mother and sister dole out to you laying down. You will make sure the girls and your dear OH have the best in life that you can give them, have the love and caring and experiences to the best of your ability to give them, they won't miss out and if it means a smooth and untrammelled life for you love that might just be better than these continuous upsets and emotional torture that you all go through, poor petals. You haven't done anything untoward love, no blame to you, it's NOT of your making xxx.

ivyleaf

Oh fuddle lovey, I'm so sorry. Sending you gentle (((HUGS))).

Nargleblast

Fuddle

One thing at a time, kiddo. Your health comes first. Sort that.

Breathe.

Calm.

Love your DH and girlies.

And Eff your effing stupid waste-of-space-and-good-oxygen inlaws.

fuddle

You're all super supportive, thank you. We do need to choose our cheerleading colours!

You all speak such sense and I think you're going to be a bit disappointed in the way I have chosen to deal with it all. Bearing in mind this isn't just about the shopping thing, it's lots of situations that the girls have been exposed to and come home and told us feeling nervous because MiL has told them not to tell us. So much has happened that she hasn't known we know about until I spoke assertively on Sunday.

DH made the phone call to her yesterday before he left work where it was quiet. Remember DH is dyslexic, can't recall information very well and get tongue tied in stressful situations so I helped him compile a list over the phone yesterday afternoon. I don't actually know what he managed to say but he wasn't able to get words out last night because of his emotional state. All he could tell me that she is cutting us out of the family because she is not having me shout at her. Shout? We had a 30minute conversation that had me going on adrenaline, was clear, concise, mature and yes assertive but I didn't shout. Shouting means I would have lost it and I was very firmly in control. I sat seeing the state of DH, mulled over how she was now the victim and that I was the one in the wrong. I picked up the phone and called her. It rang once and she picked up. I said to her that I have a husband and two children that are my world and if I can do anything to ensure they live as stress free a life as possible with love and family around them then I will do whatever it takes. She asked me if I was going to apologise for shouting at her. We tustled over the meaning of 'shouting' and I settled on her suggesting that she is allowed to interpret and repeat her version of events the way she sees them and for her assertive means shouting. See what I'm dealing with? I will apologise for choosing that time to air my grievances and that such bad feeling on my behalf shouldn't have been done over the phone but I am not apologising for my tone or expressing my feelings. She tried to antagonise with 'well that's big of you'. I wasn't wanting to make up or be the one in the right so I let it go. I moved on to say that my family deserve much more than my or her ego and for their benefit we should see a way past this. She agreed. I had hoped she would mellow and give me something back, at least some acknowledgement of getting something at little bit wrong but nothing. I finished the conversation with can we say that we could draw a line under all of this, understand that we both feel aggrieved for different reasons and that it isn't worth upsetting children over. She said yes I think we can do that and ended the call with thank you for apologising for shouting at me.

I give up!

I was hysterical when I hung up because I hadn't been true to myself. I hadn't done a thing, a thing wrong and didn't feel I had anything to apologise for and I lied when I said I was sorry for choosing that time to air over the phone. I wasn't. I just felt I had to be the bigger person for my family and show humility to.make life easier for my family. I'm an honest person who is always true to myself and I feel I have let myself down and I'm struggling to accept that I have kept the bridge open so my girls and my DH can have a relationship with the people I really wish they never ever see ever again.

DH is immensely proud of me though and the thought of that has also had me in tears all this morning. DH doesn't want it to go back to how it was, the girls won't be going over to stay or have shopping trips any more because unfortunately for DH (and obviously me) the trust has gone and until she can accept what we're saying and understands that her ways aren't right for our girls or our parenting then we can't move forward. This is coming from him. Me? I don't want to have anything to do with her ever again but I have made the first move for the good of the family and it's up to her to make the next. I expect it will be around Christmas. DH and I have spoken about it and whatever she asks to do for Christmas we won't be able to make but we will invite them to our house (where I'm comfortable) for Christmas afternoon tea with baked goods by the girls. That is the best I can do and I will do it in warm, welcoming way but you can bet your bottom dollar I will be seething underneath!!

I wish I didn't have to make that call last night but someone needed to think about the kids and behave like a grown up and it didn't look like it was going to be the 65 year old.

Health - ECG was fine and I'm now booked in for the echocardiogram on 18th December so I haven't too long to wait for final answers now. The GP had blood taken to test my thyroid yesterday because apparently that can raise the heart rate and I've had all autoimmune bloods taken by the resp consultant too so I'm lucky to have to eyes on it really. There was a waiting list of 54 for the home blood pressure/BP monitor which meant I wouldn't know about needing to slow the heart rate down until about Feb next year. The nurse suggested I buy my own, recommended and Omron monitor which DH has picked up this morning. So health wise I'm better today. No more twinges but I have turned to the tea this morning and felt some heart burn so need to just get back into my elimination zone. 10lbs and 3/4s off so far.

Please don't be cross with me after all your really good advise that I so wish I could have taken!!! I just feel that sometimes pride comes before a fall and my motivation is what is best for my little family. I have been a good person and only a fool would spin that into a negative