The Garden Fence - proper Old Style support and chat!

moneyistooshorttomention

gran3 wrote: »

Travelled a long way today to see a relative who is currently in respite care, having a terminal prognosis but not in the immediate future. Their partner of 40 years plus is considering a holiday of several weeks in another part of the country, leaving them on the home, as they are 'exhausted'. It took all of my resolve not to rip them a new one. The partner is in good health and yes I know it has not been easy. The demands have not been too much until the last couple of months when mobility has been an issue. They have family and medical support. I am at a loss, loving this person as I do, at to how the partner can even contemplate this. Would you go to the other end of the country if your partner was terminally ill? The place they are staying is top rate. I don't post often, but after today I'm shattered and angry. I don't know what to do or think.

In fairness - I know/have known a couple of people that have found themselves becoming carers (to a spouse in both cases) and knowing that the spouses illness/one or two of their illnesses are terminal.

I still know one of the people concerned and it could be said the "demands have not been too much" for some time initially. However those demands have gone on and on and on and been very wearing to someone that had had a huge toll on their own "emotional resources" as a child in the first place decades back and things have gone a lot more "drastic" in recent times - but I can see the carer is worn out.

The other person has had the demands on them get steadily worse over time - and I've seen them walk in somewhere looking so shattered that I wondered how they managed to drag one foot in front of the other/head down looking at the floor and probably barely aware of who else was in the room as they were clearly so tired and depressed (and I know what they are "supposed" to be like - as I met them after the demands on them had started, but before they intensified).

So - I'd say it's one of those "Unless you've walked a mile in someone else's shoes" situations and many carers do get "exhausted".

I am only too thankful I've never been a carer - but that doesnt mean I don't see the toll it takes on people that are in that position and sympathise.

I can even sympathise with one I met more recently - and the person at least wasnt a spouse - but was an elderly mother. Over time - I watched this person get more and more irritable and distracted and their own life disrupted as this went on. This is now no longer the case - but I am wondering whether the (now former) carer is going to even have the willpower to try and get back to being the "the way they were before those caring demands" (which I do remember was noticeably more cheerful/hadnt "let themselves go" quite so much/etc/etc). So even a couple of years caring and when it's a parent/not a spouse looked rather demanding to me.

silvasava

Islandmaid - my eldest DS like Lucille"s went to Australia at 18 & that was before internet and mobile phones! My mum asked my DH if he could persuade him not to go as he was so young. DH said he couldn't as he was in the merchant navy at 15 and his first trip was to New Zealand. Needless to say travel broadened the mind for both of them As others have said we just have to let them fly even though it's so hard at the time.

fuddle

Islandmaid and lucielle I can understand your angst. Any child living over water must be worrisome. There's a barrier there that you can't control. I fear for my sanity when it's my turn. I wish you both calm thoughts.

Gran3 I'm afraid for all my learning over the years your sadness and worry isn't something I can find the words to help with but I know that when my dad was in the stages of Palliative care my mam made some very hurtful decisions in terms of what was best for us as children and for my dad as a dad. I think she did the best she could but got it a bit wrong. Also being a carer I have been involved with families who are hurting and trying to cope. Sometimes things appear selfish when actually it's done out of desperation. I'm aware you're cross and what you say is so, so unfair but if I may dare to play Devil's advocate for a minute would you maybe, for a little second, consider what it must take for someone to do or say something so wrong in those types of circumstances? I know that doesn't help practically but I say it in the hope that it might lessen the angst you feel in yourself.

Well, I come with news! PS has done a moonlight flit. Tunnels empty, produce gone. I must have got under his skin a fair bit, or maybe he got under his own. He has a tunnel on his mates plot up the top. He won't be a plot holder and he will have no rights so he better be careful. He walked past me as I was at the tap filling my can this morning. He skulked, shoulder down and forward, his face was weird. I couldn't read it. It was a negative face but not anger, disgust or sadness, his mouth was open and his head down. If I may say he looked vacant almost. When I saw him I remained looking in his direction with my head up high and tried to alw my happy aura to come out.

Then as I was about to leave (just a bit greenhouse watering and pollenating - addictive!) the warden came over telling me that I would have a new plot neighbour, the 36 year old single mum that lives over the road. There is a god!

So I'm hopeful that life here is getting over this blip and will soon get back to peace and calmness.

[Deleted User]

OH YES!!!!! congrats FUDS may allotment life be from now on the haven that you've wanted it to be so you can enjoy every visit you make!

I've just put all the things that we were going to give to the sea scouts jumble on the drive with a notice saying free please take. The next Jumble Sale isn't until October and we'll be long gone by then so if there's anything useful to village folk they're welcome to it, just sad a little that the sea scouts won't benefit from it!

Floss

Fuddle...I wonder if he's been given marching orders...slanging you off in front of witnesses may have been the broken backed camel & straw thing

Floss

Mrs LW can the sea scouts store any jumble stuff?

Islandmaid

Fuddle Now you can really enjoy your Lottie x

greenbee

gran3 - it may be that the partner of your relative needs some time and space to process what's happening, and they may even be in denial and not coping. When my dad was terminally ill he kept on insisting on going off on holiday without my mum... I think people need some space at times on what is often an emotionally stressful and pressured situation - however they may not have articulated it well.

Islandmaid - maybe you should suggest to DS that if he's going to bother going overseas he could at least pick somewhere that you can go for exotic holidays!

LaineyT

Great news Fuddle, as Floss wisely points out perhaps this is not the first time he’s behaved like this and has been given his marching orders :j

[Deleted User]

Hi FLOSS sadly not the usual routine is they put a flyer through the letter box a week before the sale and if the village has things to donate we put them on the bottom of the drive by 6.30 on the Friday evening before the sale on Saturday and they come and collect. Anything left after the sale finishes is either taken by a dealer or taken to the tip, no storage at all, never mind if it doesn't get a new home today we'll take it to the Barnardos shop in the centre who always are grateful for donations.