The Garden Fence - proper Old Style support and chat!

carolbee

Islandmaid wrote: »

Lucielle Bless you, makes my DS wanting to go to Southampton from IOW pale into insignificance, I hope you DD has a wonderful time, what an adventure x

Thanks guys, the thing is, is that I know it's irrational, hence the reason I haven't said a word to DS apart from support, and just moan on here :rotfl:

It's a new chapter, that all x

Both my children live overseas, in the Southern Hemisphere. FaceTime and a WhatsApp chat group keep us going across 3 time zones. it’s not irrational at all, you have given him confidence to leave home, well done you!

monnagran

Good heavens! If you don't keep up on this thread you find that everyone else has moved on so fast that it will take 3 weeks to catch up.
This can also happen in the time it takes me to write a post.

Here goes, I am writing this in Edit so that it stands a sporting chance of surviving.

Hester. Loved the story of the eulogy, I've never heard one quite like that. I did go to the funeral of a friend's mother where the friend buttonholed the vicar before the service and said that if he intended to say what a wonderful mother she was and how much her children would miss, or how she was a pillar of the community, he could forget it.
The vicar sat down and started to strike out whole sections of his notes.

LameWolf. I would so like to have a few minutes with whoever took all your self-esteem away, preferably in an empty room with no witnesses. Well, empty apart from thumbscrews, rack and a pair of boxing gloves, my size. LW, I think that we possibly know you as well or better, apart from Mr. LW of course, than anyone in RL, and let me tell you that here you are loved and respected. Really loved and respected, these are not mere words.

mar, I hope that everything your palm-reader told you comes true. It's about time you had a break. Sadly I think that if she tried to read my palm she would see that I should be wearing my marigolds when washing and washing-up.

Marble. The first step is taken. Hopefully it may not be as bad as you fear.
As for the dreaded Br*x*t, those of us who have lived through WW2, the grim austerity years following, inflation,devaluation, miner's strikes, dustmen's strikes, gravedigger'sstrikes, everybody's strikes, "you've never had it so good," (really?) heatwave, blizzards, flu epidemics, Tony Blair, plagues of locusts etc.etc.heave a weary sigh. Then we do what we have always done, we pin on a smile, put our nose to the grindstone and our shoulders to the wheel, those of us who can bend that far and have shoulders in working order, and carry on. Mrs LW has said all this, only better.
Once you have sat in a coal cellar at night listening to the bombs whistling down around you and wondering if the next one has your name on it, being one of the states in the United States of Europe ceases to have that much importance.

Islandmaid, mothers do this. They bring up their children to be independent, self confident individuals. Then the children punish them by being just those things. Be positive. Think of the excitement you will have, chugging up the Solent to visit him in exotic Southampton.

fuddle. it looks as though Karma has done her best. Good for you!

Well, it was breakfast time when I started this so I'm expecting to see a couple of pages of new posts when I post this.

THOUGHT FOR TODAY

At any given moment you have the power to say, "This is not how the story is going to end."

Floss

LaineyT wrote: »

Great news Fuddle, as Floss wisely points out perhaps this is not the first time he’s behaved like this and has been given his marching orders :j

Blushes never been called "wise" before

moneyistooshorttomention

greenbee wrote: »

gran3 - it may be that the partner of your relative needs some time and space to process what's happening, and they may even be in denial and not coping. When my dad was terminally ill he kept on insisting on going off on holiday without my mum... I think people need some space at times on what is often an emotionally stressful and pressured situation - however they may not have articulated it well.

That I can understand too - ie why your father would have gone off on his own like that.

Over the course of my life I've come to the conclusion that absolutely no-one knows even the closest of people right right deep down. I've come to the conclusion we all go through life keeping quiet about our feelings and/or thoughts about something-or-other to absolutely everyone we know. We trust this group of people enough to tell them "this", that group of people enough to tell them "that". It's probably very very unusual for most of us to have even one person we trust to tell absolutely "everything" to.

We all know other people will disapprove of us for this, or disapprove of us for that or understand (but want to try and influence our decision anyway and we will feel them trying to influence our decision - even if they don't say a word - as we know how they think/feel on it).

Looking back through my own life (as the own I obviously know best) - then, thankfully, I never needed an abortion (but wouldnt have hesitated for one second if I had). Now I could have told a lot of people about that and they would have understood. There is absolutely no way I would have dared tell my best friend until it was "done and dusted" (as she would have tried to influence me against it). All the more so - if it had been her son's child-to-be (as I went out with him for years). Both she and her son would have "ganged up" on me to try and prevent me doing so. Even after her son and I had split up - she would still have tried to prevent me doing so, even if it had been from another boyfriend (if only by looking very sad and upset at me).

Also in the "life I know best (my own)" there was a time when a serious/coulda been killer illness started and my parents knew me well enough not to try and tell me what to do about it - but they were certainly "looking very sad and upset" at me and obviously restraining themselves forcibly from saying anything. They both looked very relieved indeed when I said I'd decided to "deal with it and get rid of it" and had done so. Part of my reasoning for deciding I'd better "deal with it" was because I knew how upset it would have made them if one of their children had died before them (ie not the natural order of things).

So - sometimes we do need to "be on our own" - to process our own thoughts and feelings on our own and, as far as we can make it so, without other people influencing us to do/not do what they want.

Floss

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

...Part of my reasoning for deciding I'd better "deal with it" was because I knew how upset it would have made them if one of their children had died before them (ie not the natural order of things)....

Unfortunately my father & his brother had no choice - dad had a major stomach cancer removal op 8 months before his death in 1991, uncle had a massive heart attack in his sleep in 1986 - and my grandma outlived them both until 1994, having also buried grandad in 1983. The "natural order" is only a guide, not a rule.

moneyistooshorttomention

Indeed true - ie re that "natural order of things" and my parents might yet find themselves in the "wrong order" on things - as for years we've all been expecting my younger brother might well go before my parents and it might be the case yet.

If it is - then I don't think my father would be too happy about that (not sure), my mother = well it would probably be "the last straw" for her (as I know she'd be extremely upset about it - as he is her favourite child).

fuddle

My Dad's Mam, not the grandma I always talk about, was heartbrokenwhen my Dad died and because Mam made the decisions she did, Grandma lost my sister and I too really. She died two years later but I will never forget seeing her in her armchair a short time before, rocking backward and forward as if she were really quite tormented. I didn't understand it all then but I do now and it upsets me a great deal.

silvasava

4 years ago we nearly lost my DS2 (well, actually we did for 20 mins!) He's a type 1 diabetic and due to this had total heart failure. Our absolutely fantastic NHS did their utmost and because of them he is still with us and back to the chap he always was. I cannot begin to imagine the heartache caused to parents who loose a child at any age - they never stop being your children - if we hadn't had such a wonderful outcome I don't think I would ever have got over the loss.

Fuds - rather looks as if PS has got his comeuppance! Maybe he won't be so mouthy to you over the garden wall either in future. On the 'lotty' subject - I've just picked 5 mini cucumbers from the greenhouse and the last pound of gooseberries - the little bush has produced about 5lb this year so I've pruned it down and this evening will give it a nice feed to say thank you.

gran3

Thanks for your comments. My angst is based on the fact that the person who is ill will be devastated if their partner goes away for such a length of time. having lost no less than 6 friends and relatives this year, one of whom was a very young, I am acutely aware that anything can happen. I know we all process things differently but I think I'm so battered by this years events that I'm struggling to process yet more grief. Thanks for the support, I'm starting to feel every time I have a catch up with friends my world is all doom and gloom.

nursemaggie

Fuddle I had a feeling this would happen. You did so well in turning off the hose most of us would have kept it on. I would not be surprised if they do a moonlight flit from their house.

monna you are so right about it taking 3 weeks to catch up. I don't really know how long I was off line but it was 7 hours until I got back, and then my brother phoned so about 8 hours and I think I have finally got caught up properly.

As for your children leaving home, I am really missing DS. I am really envious of his flat. It may well be about the same size but he has a large cupboard off the kitchen for mops and buckets and the vacuum etc.

He also has a huge store room off his hall. It's just well designed. Visiting him makes me want to go tidying it up and cleaning it. I will resist it. I miss him most when I come into the empty flat, there is no one there.

At least this time I am stopping myself from buying his favourite biscuits and other such treats. When the other two left home I kept on buying food for them for months. Having had two families because of the 21 year gap between the oldest and the youngest. I don't have to repeat my previous mistakes.