The Garden Fence - proper Old Style support and chat!

Bigjenny

Can I have the pattern for Bed socks please Mardatha

pollyanna_26

VJsmum I've just read NMs reply earlier and agree with much she's said . Different for me as I've looked after youngest all her life . When first mental and later physical health problems appeared over the years from the age of 7 I did what mums do and kept looking after her and still working . Fast forward to secondary school and bullies and I withdrew her from formal education and she was educated by myself and for a few years by a tutor provided by Education dept and funded by the EU as normal tutors weren't trained to meet the needs of a highly intelligent adolescent who sometimes couldn't face the day .
Over the years it got harder and harder to get any support , advice or the correct diagnosis for each of a number of different illnesses .
I moved to a part time job where my boss suggested bringing her to work with me which worked for a while . Things escalated and weren't being addressed by the CMHT team so I handed in my notice and started a very long journey to some answers and a way ahead for us together .
I don't regret one moment apart from back then not being on the internet although dd had a desktop back then . I didn't see a need for me but oh there was . Biggest progress was unlimited information , I swear if we had the time and money we could qualify as consultants in many areas of physical and mental health .
I don't have the concern re future accommodation as every penny went to pay off the mortgage as I scrimped and saved to ensure a roof into the future . I lost a chunk of pension due to early retirement . DD was 16 before our original GP advised claiming DLA on her behalf and DWP told me I should claim carers allowance . It was some years before my pension kicked in , I was in the last lucky batch of women to get it at 60 . Once again a lovely lady at DWP told me I was entitled to a little pension credit to bring my pension to basic living level and activated the claim along with the pension as we spoke .
Your brother will have different worries to mine but they will be filling his head . The future ahead is the worry for him . Mine is my daughter's future when I'm no longer here . The roof will remain but not the trusted support she's had for most of her life .
Carers don't in general get much sleep or rest time , I sleep with one ear and eye open . A lot of time I toss and turn trying to think of a solution for the future which doesn't exist .

A family meeting is a good plan . Thinking of you and the family and MMF and her loved ones .
To quote Nick Carraway in Gatsby " We beat on against the tide ..."
not much else we can do .
polly

monnagran

mar, take your bedsock pattern away, or give it to Bigjenny. At the present rate of progress, folk destined for one of my cushion covers for Christmas will get them with knitting needles still attached and told to finish them off themselves.

ETA. Pollyanna, you are supported by love and prayers from the lovely friends you have on here. If only we could help in a practical way as well.
Anyway, while we are here you are never alone.

fuddle

Although my circumstances were different I know that there are a lot of guilt, resentment and everything in between when looking after parents who need help. I've resented being the one who has to deal with my mother and felt guilt for moving away and leaving her. I've felt those feeling about my sister and she's felt them about me. What is interesting, now that I've reconnected with my Dad's sisters, is they have the same love/hate relationship that stems around looking after/not looking after my grandma when she was mentally ill with the loss of my dad and physically ill with her health.

From my point of view, in these circumstances, we're damned if we do and damned if we don't and our siblings are damned if they do and damned if they don't and these feelings go round and round, flip flopping according to any situation.

My advice, having come out of the other end (if I may at my younger years) is to do whatever it is that helps you stay mentally well when your parent is no longer with you. We can only control our feelings and if we accept that life takes us in places that we must go for our individual self and that means we can't be the all singing, all dancing societally acceptable perfect offspring for our ailing parents. We all just have to try our best within our own situations and try to let go of negative emotions about others not doing what society expects they should. If I may suggest that sibling rivalry, if ever present, will always be present.

Be kind to yourself, let go of what others are doing or not doing and you'll be able to live the rest of your life mentally able to accept the sadness of it all.

Love as always my friends. x

[Deleted User]

MAR not cut ties with a child but I had to do it with my mother whose behaviour was endangering the children and myself. I just stopped communications of any kind, wouldn't take phone calls, put letters, cards etc. straight in the bin unopened (I recognised the handwriting), didn't tell her when we went abroad and certainly didn't tell her when we moved here as the job necessitated it. She'd put many things in my name, bills came in on the redirect and I had to deal with all that but I stood by my decision to just remove us all from her contaminating presence. I don't regret it for a second, it was the only feasible thing I could do under the circumstances and I know it was the right thing to do.....but I'll carry the guilt until my dying day. If I had to I'd do it again in another life with no regrets!

VJsmum

Thank you all.

My brother is partially being driven by a girlfriend who has wanted dad out of the house for years (she posted on Facebook to that effect when drunk). It may be a condition of them continuing as a couple - I don't blame them for wanting to live as a couple, but not in my dads house if he doesn't want to leave it...

Anyway, we are going to investigate respite care to see what he thinks.....

spirit

mardatha wrote: »

Has anybody on the Fence had to totally cut off all contact with one of their (adult) children? How did you cope with it?
- feel free to answer me in PM if you prefer.

Other way around for me if it helps? Cut mother out in 2003

pollyanna_26

Thank you dear Monna for your kind words , you'll never know how much they help . I think you could have an idea there with a part finished cushion cover . Call it a two part gift ( latest craze dahling don't you know ) complete falsehood but promote it along the lines of also a craft gift you've started and they have the opportunity to enjoy finishing and maybe adding their own personal touch , applique or similar when complete . To remain old style I'd suggest a suitable secure stitch holder to save the needles unless like me you have needles that breed unseen .
Somewhere out there is that buyer and future home . Carry on baking and going on with life it's quiet time now for property and leading to the time when everyone involved including agents and solicitors are in holiday mode .
I did have one thought you may already have considered but have you looked at the auction sections either on the big sites or with your local estate agents . Like myself you live in a tourist area and landlords here tend to sell or auction in the off season especially with holiday lets . Not a market you could buy in until the money from the sale is banked but no harm in looking what type of things are out there . It needs a good surveyor but worth a go , identical bungalows here are much cheaper here in general by auction and I know a few people who've found sound sound homes for much less than the market price .
polly x

pollyanna_26

As a number of old stylers are aware pms are my nemesis !!! Sometimes they appear sometimes not . I've had one from Mar to let me know first message didn't appear , tried again a short while ago and think the same may have happened .
Is there a way to check your message went? I can see pms but not my messages unless in a continuing conversation back and forth .
Is there a limit on words or a time out period ?
Any advice welcome . I was born too soon and am still learning

polly

ivyleaf

Thinking of you and your family MMF It sounds as if your DDad is being very well looked-after xx

Some of you may remember my brother was very ill; he died yesterday, and we were going to go over to Germany to see him next week! But we will go anyway, to see my sister-in-law and find out if there's anything we can do to help her. We shall miss him, but it is a huge relief not to have to worry about him any more.

Sending ((HUGS)) to you all.