The Garden Fence - proper Old Style support and chat!

monnagran

Polly, you must have had it up to here with medical bods, police, toxic exes and tricky offspring.

My prescription for you would be..a room with a closed door and the phone on silent, beautiful calming music, a few good books, a large box of chocolates and something nice to drink.  I think you are too available.
Not sure about the gates of heaven either, but there are sure worse places to be.

In answer to your question, Mehefin, YES. You have a problem.  I can help you with that.  Name and address arriving in a brown envelope.

Lovely bright, sunny morning here.  Would love to report a lovely bright, sunny attitude inside, but I am far too truthful.
However, dust must be moved from one place to another, the vacuum must see the light of day and the cobwebs blown off the iron.

Yours sincerely,
Fed up but Virtuous.

mothernerd

Hugs polly. Monna I think I'm getting there (would be further on if the venue for 'afterwards' had a reasonable website but I know, what I want, they've offered us a downstairs room which takes 120, no charge for the room for funerals - I wanted lots of space so we can keep the vulnerable people safe). Just need to confirm the booking, order the food and find out if they take cash (cadged my brother's Christmas money from mum) or card (will need to take the cash to my bank to deposit, then go and pay by card). Going to phone and may go in in person (unless they can take payment over the phone).

Some people have been notified, others not. I alternated difficult phone calls with simple ones Phoned my only remaining uncle - the only one of that generation left. Then called about her travel pass and vouchers, they've closed her account and were quite happy with me destroying the remaining vouchers.

When it got to last weekend I took the address book home with me (I'm also using up mum's envelopes and 'posh' paper, have the postcards that were in amongst the photo albums on one side in case I need to institute a ticket system for the crematorium) and wrote a few notes to people I hadn't reached by phone. Didn't do them all (I have a slump or duvet day every 2nd or 3rd day) and now have a date - funeral will be the 26th - so some things are not quite so urgent and will send the remaining notes/ phone calls with full funeral details.

I kept getting texts to my phone for mum (before she died) telling her she needed to test daily and report her results. I did contact them and explain the situation but the woman on the phone, although very sympathetic, couldn't do anything. I had a phone call from them (because the tests results and texts hadn't been answered) and explained the situation (think mum had died by then). he asked me about other contacts so I reported mummy -of- twins (who wasn't speaking to me at that point). I took a (-tive) test as soon as the doctor told me mum had tested +tive, and put myself in isolation. 

I did break quarantine to come to mum's (could only get so far before I needed mum's address book rather than my own) but the taxi driver and I both wore masks and I never left the bungalow once I got here. Went home and did a second -tive test on the day my quarantine ended because I wanted to go out and actually speak to people - food bank run, took all mum's pills back, called in her bank to check what their procedure was (specifically could the funeral bill be paid from her account). Called in at 3 charity shops on the way back and asked what items they wanted/ would sell right now.

Was extremely wet (not too bad until a van and two cars drenched me at the crossing) so spent money for the first time this year, bought 2 hot pies and they had a piece of carrot cake on the shelf with my name on. I'm charging taxi fares to the estate, along with phone top ups (more than I usually do in a year because it's mostly used to order a taxi home from an appointment), stamps and stationery and 6 copies of the death certificate (Registrar thought that was a lot but I think I had 8 for my dad, 10 for my brother and there are 3 insurance policies which are quite convoluted and in particular the one that was mum's employer for many years will put every possible obstacle in my path).

Made up with m-o-t - she turned up on the doorstep with mum's stuff from the hospital, all red and snotty from crying and stood there till I let her in and then sat on the couch, burst into tears until in the end I squeezed in beside her and hugged and held her. She offered to come back and help on Friday (day off) and we went through most of mum's clothes and drawers and cupboards in the front room. I'd made a start, bit messy because once I opened a drawer or cupboard, it stayed open until empty. So I'd do some clothing in mum's room and when I needed to sit down I'd scoop a small box from inside the drawers as I walked to my chair. If I say each small box had loads of tiny things - everything from things for filing dry skin off your feet to the inevitable 3 sets of keys that we have no idea what they belong to (she took one set for her twin as she was the one person we could think of who had a porch and front door which is how the keys were labelled).

Saturday morning I took my trolley load of requested donations to the YMCA (pressed the button for the crossing the stood 6' back until the lights started to change) as it had temporarily stopped raining, carried on to buy stationery and stamps and pick up my puzzle book (was going earlier but it was time for the hordes to descend from the school buses and invade the town centre and I fell asleep whilst waiting for an hour to give them time to clear out). Quick look in 2 shops netted my a plain black tunic which ends below my bum. I have 2 full length black dresses, both have developed holes but as long as everything vital is covered by the tunic I have something that will 'do' (may not have time or inclination to go back. Did notice 2 lovely black jackets but I have a winter coat -Purchased in the sale at £80, originally £200, suitable for everything up to mountain climbing. Will keep them in mind but am actually broke atm (which is why I am keeping records of everything I need to claim back after Probate). Stamps and phone calls don't sound much but I spent over £200 last week. Had already asked my niece if my brother had any money (yes he has the money for his bathroom adaptations set aside) because with both my dad and my brother I ended up paying the standing orders on their houses as well as my own for months and I really can't do that again.

Carried on to the SM (lots of sit downs) mainly for soft drinks but bought a sandwich, bananas and a few bits to complement what was in the fridge-freezers. As I walked away from the till (more bench hopping) I felt my ankle 'go'. Freephone taxi was a 45 minute wait so hobbled to a club chair and phoned my regulars -15 minutes so I spent 10 more minutes in the comfy chair before hobbling outside. Taxi driver was worried about me (said I'd be fine once I got home and got it propped up). He asked about mum (shock and disbelief). I've now been driven by both the driver who took her to her mid - December podiatry appointment and the one who brought her back and she was in fine form. At that point I was sicker than she was and asked could she mange alone - the podiatrists all know her and look after her. So she was only ill that last week and was well looked after the whole way through (I have a list of thank you letters to write)

So paying for the funeral bill is sorted and paying for food (I'd asked my niece to open her card as soon as she arrived. She's been ill for a few weeks so wouldn't come to mum's (I knew I'd got Christmas money out of the bank for mum to put in their cards but wanted to make sure it was in the envelopes or whether it was another entry in my little pink book of mum) and has only dropped off food at the door for her dad.

DS2 and his gf came on Monday. Too late for the food bank run and the boxes I'd packed were too heavy for me, so I've since been swapping them out for any small boxes I have (saved contents of a drawer mostly fit in less than a shoebox). They did a charity shop run (2 newish shops in the middle of the mall only a few doors apart). One woman had said she could sell small pieces of furniture so I sent one of the dining chairs with them. She couldn't accept it because it didn't have a fire safety label. I wouldn't let him bring it back in the house - all it's companions went onto the tip pile straight away. One chair did have a very faded fire safety label but it's gone now (mum shouldn't have accepted them in the first place).

So I'm guessing they were between 30 and 35 years old and had been used in 3 houses. I think the Woolworths fire in Oldham Street Manchester was late 1987 when DS2 was a few months old. most of the deaths were from inhaling toxic fumes from foam upholstery and it takes about 2 years for legislative changes to pass through parliament.

DS2 got a broken set of drawers out of my room (only 2 working drawers but space at the bottom was full as well), I'd already put a broken lamp outside, they rounded up a few stray bits from the garden (and the chairs). The little couch needs to go at some point (I've offered to sacrifice the old polytunnel cover until it can be taken to the tip). They did the tip run and my niece arrived (later related to DS1 as me sitting chatting to niece for 2 hours and holding them up) I needed to update her and we later had a video chat with my brother.

Basically he doesn't want to take responsibility for grandma's house and mum's tenant of more than 20 years (maybe 28), he doesn't want to live in the bungalow, he wants to sell the bungalow, so I can't have it. Never mind, let it go, move on (I'm saying that a lot, allowing myself a moment of anger, irritation or frustration, occasional bitchiness, then release it). He was mainly interested in how much money he would get - he's not mercenary, he was assuming he would lose all his benefits the moment he got anything from mum's estate and needed to know he would have enough to live on until he reaches his retirement date in 6- 7 years. I'm allowed to stay whilst I'm sorting everything out (I had a lecture from DS1 yesterday, telling me that everything I'm doing wrong, mainly that I take to much on and then complain that no-one else is doing anything).

Niece also seemed to think I was being precipitate (my son's say I need to get rid of everything as soon as possible. I've offered her the recliner for my brother and the hospital bed (she thinks both would be great for him, he's pondering. She think I should maybe keep lots of stuff in place (everything?) until my brother feels like having a wander through and picking stuff out (or probably deciding he doesn't want anything.

Well I'm sorry but if I'm doing the work and making decisions, I'm doing it my way and if I offend some one well tough, I've had years of biting my tongue, not saying anything (keeping quiet when mummy wanted me too). Sorry I'm a bit bolshy now, someone's just phoned up to make an appointment with me. If he doesn't start with a profuse apology for our last phone conversation when he presumed to lecture me on how I'd upset his daughter and how I should have said how I should have behaved. Well I've a long list of things his family (mum's ex-partner's family) has done wrong - I scribbled them all out earlier in the week and then ripped them up and binned them. He's brought his daughters up as little disney princesses whom no-one is allowed to upset. Well I don't have the luxury of being a precious little flower or of going crying to daddy if someone is mean (they're in their mid 30s and if anything needs fixing they don't even attempt to fix it themselves - they phone daddy). I've been an adult since I was 3 yo, I was put in charge of looking after my brothers whilst mum did all the housework. Mum's little helper stood on a chair so I could reach the table to help make wedding cakes and cater for other events (my tiny fingers were perfect for quartering cherries. I supported my mother through a terrible marriage. I must have been about 7 when she started telling me all her problems - then she would go and get a good night's sleep and I would do the lying awake worrying.

Anyway let's finish on a positive note. DS2 and his gf bought me roses when they came, they had bought a dolly truck for my birthday but thought I might need it now (I now have a fleet of 3 dolly trucks although the oldest was repainted, had a new wheel and the axle fixed over 20 years ago and is now very rusty and the footplate has holes in it). I've moved house with less.

The third is a secret (so don't tell anyone). I am now in possession of a very special black and white photograph - a scan of my first grandchild.

monnagran

mothernerd. All I can say is "PHEW!"

I think you are doing the right thing in deciding to let trivia pass.  I always ask myself how important something will  look in 100 years time to get a sense of proportion.  Too many folk react immediately and emotionally the moment something happens and give themselves a load of stress.
Taking a huge step backwards and coolly assessing how important something is shows a degree of wisdom seldom displayed.

I hope that everything goes well for you from now on.

betony

Delurking briefly to send condolences to Mothernerd and also congratulations on the secret. One door closes, eh?

Suffolksue

Why can’t you sell the lodgers house ,give the money to your brother and have the bungalow for you ?
did your mother leave a will ?

VJsmum

Apologies Mothernerd, i'd missed your bereavement.  So sorry for your loss.

Floss

Suffolksue said:

Why can’t you sell the lodgers house ,give the money to your brother and have the bungalow for you ?
did your mother leave a will ?

Sounds like a plan - properties may need to be valued for probate so there may be a solution to enable you to keep the bungalow. 

And what a lovely secret to keep 😊

mothernerd

Yes mum did leave a will (I wrote it). Basically everything is split between the two of us and I put bits in to say that if I predeceased my mother, my half was to be split between my 3 sons and if my brother predeceased mum, his half would be split between his 2 girls. Mum didn't think he had written a will and I said that what I'd written would partially cover that - it shows intent of how we all thought any money should be split (brother also had a copy after it had been signed). The problem is the disparity in value between the 2 properties. 

I did a back of the envelope calculation some time ago. I was using theoretical values for the properties - what mum paid for the bungalow (me really because I bought it from the sale of my big 4 bed house which mum lent me part of the purchase price). It sold for less than I bought it for and I took all the loss from my share house. So say the small terrace was worth 60K and the bungalow 89K, the 60K and all the money in the bank didn't equal the 89K. I was trying to work out how much I could save over five years so that I could give my brother enough money so that our shares were equal and it looked doable. But events have overtaken us and I have nothing saved (getting rubbish taken away- furniture that has broken over the years and a printer that has spent the last 7 years in the bottom of a wardrobe) and having cleaners go through the house (and do a bit of gentle decluttering - 100 bin bags worth) cost quite a lot of money.

I'm quite happy to take on the lodger and it was always going to be a new phase of my life, so will carry on plodding, give myself time to let things settle and then see where we go from there. My house is going to have to have another cull because I need to accommodate a fridge-freezer, a tall bookshelf, a large footstool given to me by DS2 when he moved in with his gf. the one he gave me is much better than mum's (which will need to be found a home or go to charity or to the charity for people who are without means) and mine at home.

I will have enough money (once everything is sorted) to have my kitchen replaced. It's 17 and a 1/2 years old and lots of it doesn't work anymore - arthritis in my shoulder means I can only put plates away one at a time and stooping to the cupboards is quite difficult so they are left empty. Mum has one set of pan drawers and they glide in and out so easily - several sets of those with proper spacers to hold all the pans and plates would make life so much easier. You can buy a metal thing with a lever so you can lower the whole shelf of a top cupboard but they're about £100 per cupboard. I have also seen things for retrofitting base cupboards but they seemed a lot more available in America. Most people leave it too late to have a adapted kitchen and then are too old to cope with the mess. 

The kitchen I have now was put together by me, building one or two units a day after coming in from working from 6 am to 7 pm with a few hours in the middle working on my dad's house. The plumber came a few days before I was due to have a hysterectomy and said it looked like I needed a few more bits doing. Scribing out the back of the worktop and wall cabinets attaching - luckily his cousin's bf could do the work (but he told me not to pay him, he would inspect the work to see that it was up to scratch and the pay him). So I went into hospital with my sink still not plumbed in, and they swapped the positions of the dishwasher and washing machine (but wouldn't tell me while I was in hospital. The cousin's only did the bare minimum - I ended up doing the door and drawer handles one at a time during my recovery.

So being able to decide exactly what is right and then for someone else to do all the hard work would be a real luxury for me. The last kitchen I did was at the 4 bed house. I had to have a damp course installed and all the old units were rotted away. I assembled various second hand bits, only had to buy 2 new units and me and Mr and Mrs Builder installed it over a weekend - think that was the last time I did any serious climbing - I got onto the worktop and took down all the wall cupboards whilst I was waiting for them to arrive on the Sunday morning. Total cost £400.

Ps I was trying to clear some working space before bringing out the paperwork but needed some on Monday when my niece was here. I lifted the first file box down (mine as it happened) and it had a chocolate orange and a twin pack of hobnobs inside - I hid them so I didn't eat them until Christmas. later DS2 packed them in one of the food boxes and he doesn't know which one, so I still have Christmas to come. but you can drink my share of the baileys.

MrsCD

Sending millions of (((hugs))) to mothernerd and polly. You both need lots of support at the moment so as I can't be with you in person, I will send virtual hugs instead and keep you in my thoughts and prayers. xx

pollyanna_26

monnagran said:

Polly, you must have had it up to here with medical bods, police, toxic exes and tricky offspring.

My prescription for you would be..a room with a closed door and the phone on silent, beautiful calming music, a few good books, a large box of chocolates and something nice to drink.  I think you are too available.
Not sure about the gates of heaven either, but there are sure worse places to be.

In answer to your question, Mehefin, YES. You have a problem.  I can help you with that.  Name and address arriving in a brown envelope.

Lovely bright, sunny morning here.  Would love to report a lovely bright, sunny attitude inside, but I am far too truthful.
However, dust must be moved from one place to another, the vacuum must see the light of day and the cobwebs blown off the iron.

Yours sincerely,
Fed up but Virtuous.

Dear Fed up but Virtuous.

Thank you for advice. I need to have a word with the manager in my little Coop as in the last few months chocolate has been jumping in to my trolley from the shelves in large numbers. It happened again on my way out the other day and now I feel a bit sick so today plan to eat foood instead. Something nice to drink is either tea, cappuccino or hot chocolate in this house. I can not bear the smell of alcohol and it's never in the house.

After the toxic ex was ordered out I began to have a problem with the toilet flush. The plumber checking it called me upstairs and said have a look at that. The cistern was packed with empty quarter size whisky bottles.

Some time later the heating engineer climbed into the loft then called me upstairs. There was no usable floor it was almost knee deep in full size empty whisky bottles. I have no idea how the ex turned in to work day after day and didn't end up falling into the River Mersey he worked alongside but he did. Just leaving after a few hours unofficially to come back here to try to catch me up to some sneaky behaviour I know not what. Helen Reddy is back in my head singing the words I heard in my head as I walked out of the Court "No ones ever gonna keep me down again"

That fell by the wayside over the years but it will stay with me from now on.

Thank you all for your kind words , To MrsCD for the hug and MN who already has enough on her plate. I wish you well but take any help offered. It's hard being the one who has to do everything so loosen the control  and let people help. You were conditioned when young to be the helper. MOT sounds lovely so let her and any others willing do their bit. Here's a hug for you.

There have been times over the years I have been so glad to be among the Toughies on here when there was no one else to talk to.

One online friend on here has had her own difficulties with illness and family problems.  We made contact last year and have chatted and at times talked about problems. It has kept me going rather than talking to the walls. The other day she emailed we need to step out of the firing line. Very wise words . If you aren;t making yourself a target no one can aim a weapon at you.

So from now on we'll aim for normal and laughter and she does make me laugh.

Hugs to all.

pollyx