The Garden Fence - proper Old Style support and chat!

Suffolksue

completely  agree Monna

mothernerd

A belated Happy New Year to everyone and hoping it's a much better one for all of us. Unfortunately mine has started sadly, my mother died in hospital at the start of the week, of COVID- pneumonia. I echo Monna's words - we should all do as much as possible to keep everyone safe. Unfortunately not everyone takes that view.

I had a few hours sleep this afternoon - I wanted some things from the stationer's but it's very near to the bus station and it was time for rampaging teenagers to decamp from their buses and colonise the town centre so I thought I'd wait for a while. I was hoping to go back to sleep and make an early start in the morning (it might sound trivial but I want to return all the milkman's bottles, pay him and write a note to thank him - I only left a phone message asking him not to leave milk for a week because my mother was in hospital and would sort his money when I could).

But sleep has eluded me and my brain's juggling problems like
a)   trying to arrange a funeral environment for the most vulnerable (no legal limits on numbers or social distancing atm) including my brother, DS3 and Beloved, my eldest cousin, my ex who really wants to come even if he has to have taxis from Abergele and back plus several members of the church congregation
b) 'temporary' responsibility for 3 houses - my own, my mother's bungalow (asked my niece about my brother moving in - she thinks it would be perfect for him as the adaptations after he came out of hospital did not go well). She's working on him but if he refuses to move in, I'm likely to - the convenience of having no stairs and a walk in, sit down shower, outweighing the things I don't like. I have been sleeping at my house since Tuesday before Christmas but still have things in boxes at both ends and more to pack. Put everything on hold in case I had to move back temporarily (at first they were only talking about keeping her over the weekend) and now there's no point in moving any more if I end up living there. Third house was my grandma's, mum rented it out, current tenant has been there over 20 years. He'd love to stay if we can sort it.
c) the one that's really keeping me awake is how to feed people who come to the funeral. I really don't want a big gathering, would like to limit it to close family, friends of long standing (a couple of cases where we've been intertwined for 3 generations). I may have to ask to borrow money from my ex. I did think I could just empty the freezers and make a buffet from it but not sure there would be enough room and don't want to hang on to the crockery and cutlery (my sons have made it quite clear that they have enough furniture, matching plates, towels etc and I am to clear as much as possible as quickly as possible - they have offered to help, DS2 and gf are coming on Monday and will help with moving stuff to charity shops, sorting and organising).

thank you for being there, will try to sleep again now  

burtha

sorry to hear of your loss mothernerd,  hope you managed some sleep last night x

MrsCD

Sorry to hear about your mum, @mothernerd. I hope you get some help organizing things. Try to get some rest every day. (((( Love and hugs)))

newroadahead

Delurking to send hugs and condolences to Mothernerd.

I hope you manage to get some rest 

NRA x

Florenceem

mothernerd - so sorry to hear of your loss.

Nargleblast

You have a lot on your plate now, Mothernerd, but in time things will sort themselves out and life will get easier. For now, just take things one step at a time and be kind to yourself.

Shropshirelass

Coming out of lurkdom to say I'm sorry for your loss, Mothernerd, and I am sending prayers and sympathy your way.

mothernerd

Many thanks to you all. I've had a good day although I didn't get the sleep I hoped for. I had all my bags packed  and I did get there in time for the milkwoman (married couple run the business) even though she was early, So all bottles returned, paid her what we owe (paid more actually, said to keep the change), thanked her for all their help (lifesaver in the early days of the pandemic and no worries about bad weather) and promised to pass on her details to the new occupant - although if it's me, I'd struggle to get through a pint a week (must have more blancmange and custard). 

Messaged mummy of twins to tell her I was already there, had a shower (which made me feel much better), set the washer going and was about to crawl into bed for a couple of hours and then DS2 phoned (DS1 also messaged to see how I was getting on). He keeps telling me what I need to do - declutter, simplify and carry on with my favourite activities but on a scaled down schedule - and he really wants me to have nice garden furniture (my ideal is to have an 18 ft long lean to greenhouse along the back of the bungalow (it's 19' so 20' would be too long).

I had to stop him talking for long enough for me to put my dress on so I could go and let mummy of twins in (got her husband through his appointment super quickly). Glad of the dress because I'd left the gate open for her and she came round to the back to find me. We've been through all mum's clothes, set aside some for mum to wear for her big day and some to make a memory bear - not for me. I laughed when we got to the third cupboard and she said 'Oh your mum's best coat'. I said are you sure it's my mum's best coat, we've got 2 suitcases under the bed to go through yet. Sure enough we found a camel coat, many blazers and one suitcase nearly everything still had the tags. She said well should we have her cremated in a smart jacket. I said no, i couldn't get her to wear them when she was alive, it can go to the charity shop and someone else can have the use of it - maybe someone who's going to a funeral but can only afford charity shop prices (yes I did have a quick look in a couple of places whilst I was asking what donations they needed). So all clothes and toys bagged up.

She dropped me off with two bags of clothes, one large box of bric a brac and a box of books for the YMCA, which she put in my trolley (I acquired a new one a couple of weeks ago) and I will take them round to the YMCA tomorrow (weather permitting - I've been rained on, hail stoned on, sleet/ snowed upon and splashed by passing vehicles quite enough for one week. 

We've emptied most of the drawers and cupboards in the front room, There's one pile of photos (all in frames so not too many) that I didn't get round to but m-o-t took them out so I don't have to bend to get at them. Cook books and cake decorating books gone from the kitchen, we kept the small album with photographs of some of the many wedding cakes and birthday cakes mum has made over the years. There were a few pages of her original notebook she used for notes when she was going to night school to learn. I've kept the back cover (front cover and bulk of the book were gone) and the pages with the fruit cake/ Christmas cake// 2 tier wedding cake/ 3 tier wedding cake notes. I've been helping make these up so many times since I was 3yo - my tiny fingers were perfect for quartering the cherries and mixing the fruit and later on I was in charge of pouring in the gravy browning as mum mixed (by hand of course - she only got her Kenwood when it was coming up to my 21st).

The Registrar phoned me and I've ordered and paid for 6 copies of the death certificate. (she said that was more than most people get but I think I got 8 for my dad and 10 for my brother and there are at least 3 insurance policies - one of which will be a real nightmare, I've tried to update it at various points and given up).  Still no luck with the undertakers think they must be rushed off their feet - but the Registrar has sent them the paperwork for collecting mum so that will put us on their radar. 

I ate from the freezer and cupboards again (fishfingers and mushy peas). Came straight upstairs when I came home. Beloved gave me a warm pie, I had half a pack of sweet chilli crisps that DS1 gave me this morning (think that was an exchange because he's started on one of the multipacks destined for the food bank - couldn't take them with me yesterday because of the rain) and I have a chocolate log, which mum hid. I'd put some shopping on the couch one week (to save my back) and I was trotting back and forth taking things to their places. The only things left were two packs of chocolate biscuits which were destined for the Christmas cupboard and a chocolate log (which was to eat straight away). When I came back for them they'd disappeared. So I have a chocolate log bb 14th November. I'm still going to eat it.

We reviewed the list of people still to be notified and most of them will be sent notes over the weekend and they can phone me if they want to (the ones in France and Australia won't be attending but I'm hoping to forestall mysterious Christmas cards next year). The tricky one has been taken on by m-o-t. It's a friend from mum's church, 18 months older than mum and not very well. M-o-t will go round in person to tell her -  I think I've put off phoning because I was worried about giving her a heart attack or similar when she was on her own.

DS1 messaged me about progress and I reeled off everything I've done in the last 2 days. He reeled back a bit, then said it wasn't a criticism. I said I wasn't cross, just tired, despite my best efforts I can't remember how far I am with updating individuals. I did also point out that whilst my sons are insisting that I have hoarder problems , I was the one who went down to Weston-super-Mare, cleared my brother's house in 5 days and sold the house as well.

I've since messaged my niece to ask if there's anything either of them want from the house, in particular does my brother need the hospital bed or the recliner chair but also they're welcome to anything they want from the house (but I'm aware she spent a long time clearing out his house when he was in hospital early last year. She thinks the chair would be perfect for him but he will need to mull it over and get used to the idea before deciding. I suggested he could do a walk through if he's happy to do so - I could open the doors and wait at the bottom of the garden. I also think is she takes photos of what I've done to the garden, that could help persuade him to move.

So now I'm going to eat chocolate cake, read and then sleep and I've no firm plans for tomorrow (have asked DS3 to gather cans and put them in the trolley at the bottom of the garden). I've already put the ones from my room in and I brought down a sackful that Beloved had bagged up. 

monnagran

Foooff, mothernerd, you have moved mountains!

I'm sorry, funerals are horrible things to organise.  I do wish I lived closer to you I could give you a hand..  I've organised so many that I ought to set up as a 'funeral planner'.  All the paperwork and things to deal with seem endless.  I think you were wise to order a number of death certificates, you always need more than you think.  It's always a good idea to ask if they will accept a copy when one is requested.  If not I always ask for it to be returned once they have finished with it.

As to food afterwards, I've discovered that people usually don't expect a lot.  I'm notorious for never knowingly undercatering and I always seem to do too much.  It all depends on the time of day.  I like the afternoon funerals because I've found that a cream tea (scones, jam and cream) goes down well, is straightforward and not too expensive.

If your mother had friends at church they might be only too pleased to help.  Church ladies are usually well used to catering for these events.

It sounds a wonderful idea for you to move into the bungalow.  I moved into mine just before lockdown and absolutely love it.  I was determined to do it well before I actually needed to and not have my children have to do it for me.

Hope all goes wel, for you.