The Garden Fence - proper Old Style support and chat!

pollyanna_26

mothernerd said:

pollyanna_26 said:

mothernerd I've been meaning to start posting on the Poor Health thread part two for a while but the last year has been so strange and the last twice I did post there I killed a laptop.

You've reminded me of all the tips on the first version including how posters would either throw- think that was Cranky or find other methods to deal with laundry. How to put a duvet cover on and many other tip

Perhaps it's time to start discussing how people manage everyday stuff again. The original thread is far too long to trawl through.

Meanwhile every now and then as well as reading your posts here I have a little look at The Turtles thread.

This is the pot calling the kettle black but could you set aside one day a week when you give yourself a break especially from shifting soil etc? I know you often have meals prepped in advance so maybe just feeding yourself and mum. Dealing with her more reasonable requests while ignoring the less reasonable and have a day to just "Be" once a week. resting, reading , doing some embroidering whatever brings you joy.

i do understand what it's like to be the family fixer and doer and want to see things done but I've learned the hard way that the very difficult to do Pacing makes sense. I was trying to do too many things the other day and thinking too much. I wasn't concentrating when I was carrying the laundry downstairs and look what happenend.

I need to work on the pacing lark and not be thinking of the next thing I need to do while doing something else.

I don't think you've been inside your own home since moving in to take care of your mum but unless there's been a miracle you may find yourself wading through pizza boxes etc and unblocking the sink for the umpteenth time when you finally go home.

You need to as rested as possible when that day comes and hopefully equiped with bin bags and a shouty voice.

Take care of you too.

pollyx

I'm resting today. I have just shuffled across the bed to get to the drawers with the hayfever tablets in. I think I didn't have one to take yesterday either. I forget how it affects so much, have had a killer headache for a few days, it makes me feel miserable and so many bits hurt. I put my washing out early on and there were 7 small containers near to the raised beds so I put those in, but haven't had any urges to go out and do more (shoulders are okay as long as I don't do anything). Mum thinks the paint fumes are affecting her chest so has decided neither of us are painting today.

I made dinner (lamb already cut up in the freezer, veg taken out to start defrosting earlier, hardest part was doing the potatoes. Think I'll have a lazy day. I've done mum's postal vote papers and want to walk as far as the post box later (not sure if they collect on Bank Holidays or not). I will take the walker. I was going to try going as far as Morries but really don't want to. I was only intending buying my puzzle book and looking on the ys shelves but I'm very aware that I haven't been outside the gate since the 8th and having a target destination helps (would love to just go and sit under the road bridge on the canal bank but the steps up to the canal bank have been putting me off. I reread my current challenge yesterday and one thing missing is fun.

I think restarting the poorlies thread is a good idea. If it was a new thread perhaps we could move across edited highlights - I know I have a few bits written down - one about not feeling guilty or that buying sauce in a jar is 'cheating' if that shortcut means you can make a whole meal. Still not tried the putting the duvet on by rolling it up like a swiss roll - I have mum's double layer merino wool thing here. I don't think she could cope with it, I struggle sometimes. One night I was kicking it trying to get it off me enough so that I could go to the toilet.

I have been in my house twice (when it was allowed). Once to gather things that DS3 had not been able to find (in March 2020 I didn't think I would need thick winter jumpers and furry boots) and in October someone offered to bring some things for me in their car so I want home and packed 4 boxes, mainly tools, screws and diy stuff but odd items lying around that they wouldn't use.

I'm afraid it's worse than a blocked sink - the drains need dealing with again. I did find a contact for a local firm (often they have a local number and it's just a call centre and they send them out from wherever). I did message DS3 the details and asked if he had the money to pay but last time I was there (in the yard, they weren't awake) it hadn't been done. I know they have let the rubbish get on top of them and I did suggest various options - just putting things in bin bags and putting them out in the yard, found a couple of people who were offering £1 a bin bag special collection around C'mas and taking small amounts out in their pockets and putting them in the town centre and car park bins but I don't know if they have done any of that (bags can't go in the yard until the drains are sorted. I tried to look in the kitchen window but couldn't see except that the herbs I was growing on the windowsill are all dead. They have moved the new chinchilla cage into place and put the old one outside (in October the new one was assembled but was right in the middle of the room.

Not going to worry about it as it won't help. Think I'll read my book and do a bit more jigsaw puzzle. I have a lot of things to go to the charity shop (did try to arrange collection but they couldn't do it - lady was very apologetic).

Take care polly and all the other fencers.

I I did wonder if I'd offend you telling you to give yourself a break but am glad you're having a you day today.

it's odd the random things we remember but the memory of the never ending pizza boxes and the fact you'd needed to call in someone to to sort the drains comes into my head every now and then.It's the old inconvenient memory monna often mentions. I sometimes think I'd function better if a lifetime of memories weren't stuffed in my brain.

I always did the same socks thing when the children were growing up. DD1 was was older and bigger the her younger sisters but it was easy to pick out her bigger ones . The younger two shared their white ones which were smaller but identical. Apart from sports socks easily identifiable because his fee were much bigger my son always wore black socks so that was easy.

I was looking at my very old and venerable ironing board a few days ago. Itried to find the same again but they don't seem to be available any more. It's still fine but every few years I strip the top and fix a thick layer of wadding over the top with staples- ironing board top is compressed wood. I add a self adhesive metallised cover and then some nice ditsy fabric from my stash.

The memories in that board. As a lone working mum of four. I bought five shirts or blouse for each of the offspring. Sunday nights there used to be a lot of good drama and other programmes  on TV. Lately they've repeated many of them so I've watched again. I'd have a weeks worth of school uniform ready for the week ahead which allowed for paint accidents in school or the  mud and mysterious stains DS was a magnet for.

When he started work on the railway staff were still wearing the blue and white cotton shirts with the red barbed wire emblem on the pocket so I managed to squeeze 6 of those out of the company- He sometimes worked 6 day shifts.

A few weeks later I handed him the iron, his face was a picture.He was very relieved when they introduced polo shirts! Nowadays if he's driving the Royal Train he has to be much smarter . He's always issued with a new flourescent jacket on those days in case there's an accident or a problem on the line and he has to get out of his cab onto the track. It really annoys me as an environmentalist. Such a waste. He has loads of them. If they weren't all orange I'm sure he could keep Boris in his jackets and hard hats. Well sons hard hats are white but so are Boris's'

The two older daughters went through a spell of turning their shared bedroom into a pit. Lots of storage but it seemed surfaces and the floor were preferable. I used to go in sort the mess , deep clean and change the beds. I was working full time , struggling with my health and youngests. I came home one day and just exploded,manky food dishes , cups and glasses, piles of clean clother on the floor as they'd worked their way through what they wanted to wear. I stormed out of the bedroom telling them if they wanted to live in a pit they were welcome because I wasn't going to be tidying , cleaning , clearing dirty dishes and they would need to change their own beds in future because I was done.

It took a while but they couldn't find things, make up, jewellery even clothes they were planning to wear on a night out. I'd told them only clothes in the washing basket would be washed , same with bedding.

The howls and moans as they started working their chaos but from them on they took care of their room.

DD1s cottage is spotless and organised. DD2 was diagnoed with OCD about 15 years ago and not in a cruel way I had a little wry smile. I've not been in her home since the pandemic but it's always immaculate. She always says to me I suppose you want a brew then hovers over me in case I spill a drop which gets the hand shaking and her glaring as she hovers cloth in hand.

She's done Christmas dinner a few times and we were all terrified to drop anything on the table cloth.

It doesn't help that she has a huge chocolate lab who's like Tigger on speed. He jumps up , waves his tail about and tries to grab food and drink. We stagger out and collapse when we reach home vowing never again. Until the next time.

I know both son and beloved have their problems but I'm trying to think of a way you can get some sort of control when you finally head home. It isn't right you should be moving their rubbish from all over the house or hefting loads of bin bags out of the house. Ditto the food waste blocking the drains. it's how you can change the dynamics that's the problem.

I've always had it in my head over the years that one day I may not be around to be the fixer and doer. That's why my lot learned to cook from scratch in childhood as I did. The long fight for youngests correct diagnosis and the intensive counselling. Money management and life skills. It's all I can do but learning those things in childhood got me through some very tough times decades later.

You'll be very aware I am not at all techy. Both Poor Health threads are still in my MSE bookmarks. Do we have to start a new thread for the hints and tips or can we post them on the newest one as and when we find them on the first thread?

There were a lot in the early part of the 1st but then random hints scattered through the rest of it.

pollyx

mothernerd

Use the newer thread, but we need to do something to get people's attention. I've often passed advice onto people who are temporarily out of action, through injury or recovering from an operation. I'd been on the site for a long time before I found the thread and it has been a great help to me. A lot of people must be in my situation, clapped out from years of hard work but can't retire because the age has been raised (and very few people want to employ us). Poverty limbo land. 

When I was running the craft group at a project with accommodation for people who needed support, one group member asked for a favour and said she would help me with my PIP/ disability or whatever I got. I replied that I was unable to get anything - my doctor gave me a sick note for two weeks an hour after I'd been told my hip was so bad that I should not be walking on it at all - a diagnosis finally achieved after months of physiotherapy and initially bed rest. By the time I was seen at t he hospital and given a date for my total hip replacement, I still didn't qualify as disabled because it was less than six months to the time when I would be allowed to bend down and start putting my own socks on. 

pollyanna_26

I forgot to mention earlier mothererd that as a hayfever sufferer since childhood I believe this has been the worst year for hayfever I've expeienced same for youngest who hasn't ventured further than the garden or the vaccination hub. The season started early last year and this one and lasted longer than usual.

I have a little 4 drawer chest next to my bed and keep my Antihistamines in that. Every morning I take a tablet with a drink of water before getting out of bed as I used to forget whether I'd taken it or not. At one time I was putting the box on top of the chest at bedtime and taking one the following morning before putting it back in the drawer. I'm used to drink of water and hayfever pill when I wake up now.

I always find it sad how many people do not get the proper treatment they need.

When I moved here in 75 I signed up with a young female GP. She did my ante natal care with the two youngests. She worked hard with youngest with her physical and MH problems. She also logged every incident with the toxic 2nd husband and supported me in court along with the local police.

It must be just over 20 years ago she took us aside and c.onfided she was retiring soon. Youngest went into meltdown but was told she'd chosen her successor very carefully and we  would be in good hands.

Well Superdoc has been amazing from day one. He's been with us all along, arguing , pushing and fighting for the correct MH diagnosis for youngest.

We've walked away from hopeless consultants and psychiatrists with his support  and ended up with better ones. When it became obvious dd never had Aspergers but Borderline Personality Disorder we faced a long fight to get that diagnosis. The chief psych rejected it over and over again for years. Superdoc got hold of all dds records both physical and mental health. She was an inpatient twice in an eating disorders unit for teenagers. I was reading through all the many reports and there it was nearly 20 years earlier. Query Personality Disorder. That was mentioned in a lot of reports.

We got a sudden appt with the chief psych not in the horrible mental health unit we'd vowed never to enter again. We used to mutter " Abandon hope all ye who enter here" as we went in the door.

Appt was in the new bright Health and Wellbeing Centre. We were sitting in the waiting room when the Arrogant chief psysch came wandering down the corridor towards us. He'd never done that before so that threw us a bit. he led us to his room chatting and smiling. Dds face was a picture . He shook both our hands told us to sit down and said Borderline Personality Disorder we can do something about this. Hbie discuussed all the things that could be done and were.

We nearly collapsed when we got outside crying and laughing. 20 long years but she finally got the help.

Physio , Pain Psych who it turned out was the very young Dr who put query Personality Disorder in her report all those years ago. She's now in our local trust.

Superdoc brought in the young counseller into his practice and she worked wonders helping dd unlock all the boxes in her head. Agoraphobia, PTSD, Self judgement and many others and begin to challenge those thoughts.

it's not easy or always possible but I always advise anyone who isn't being listened to whether with a GP or other professionals to vote with their feet and go elsewhere for the help they need and should be getting. These people are humans not some sort of higher beings though some think they are.

The first voting with my feet was informing the headmaster who denied there were any bullies in his school although youngest wasn't the only one being bullied badly, that I was going to write two letters when I got home. One for him and one for the education dept informing both I was formally removing my dd from school and as a teacher myself would be homeschooling. I posted those letters that evening.

Local education dept tutors that came here were both bullies themselves. The head of homeschooling  in the education dept sourced a home tutor via EU funding to do the tech stuff with dd. She had a very good education and it saddens me those EU funds are now gone.

I've no idea how good your present Dr is. PIP, ESA SG Superdoc deals with assessments very well. A few years ago DWP announced they no longer wanted Drs letters about a patient. It's often quoted on the Benefits thread but Superdoc does a report instead. Until the pandemic he was face to face with us every other week and kbows dd inside out. She was on DLA at 16 then transferred to PIP a few years ago.

Incapacity some years after the DLA and now SG ESA.

The one thing I thank my short first career in the then Inland Revenue for is learning the importance of paperwork.years of stuff in files here. We tackle the forms in bite size pieces while allowing plenty of time to send them back. Always sent next day signed for and I print the proof off the Royal Mail website. I always print off the completed forms as a copy and they go in with the PO delivered notification and any evidence sent.

I've never needed them thankfully but they are there if I did,

Something very useful is to ask at hospital appts etc to be copied into any reports to your GP. Ours reads them to us anyway in fact he often turns his laptop round for dd to read everything.

That info has proved useful at various appts. Much easier than trying to remember all sorts of stuff.

i hope you're asleep mothernerd. I'm about to drag myself to bed this late night Match of the Day is exhausting. I'm looking forward to the end of this very packed football season.

Take care all

pollyx

monnagran

Polly, that is a whole career in itself!  You are a bloomin' wonder, you really are.  x

I can't stop and gossip this morning.  A very dear friend of mine whose energetic, healthy husband died of a heart attack as they enjoyed their after lunch cup of tea just before Christmas, needs a lot of help today.  He was only 54, and she is still in shock.  Her eldest son has severe MH issues and is presently on Day 38 of a severe psychotic episode.  All I can do is be there on the end of the phone.

Anyway, I'll give you a thought and leave you to it.

THOUGHT FOR TODAY 

Every next level of your life will demand a different you.

ivyleaf

Oh Monna, your poor friend 

burtha

gosh monna ,
sympathy for your friend , same happened with my dad at the age of 52 . never good 

pollyanna_26

monna I hope you were able to comfort your friend. Sometimes being able to pour out the pain and sense of loss can help someone. It must be such a terrible to  shock to lose a  healthy active loved one so suddenly and so young.

I've no idea if she lives near you or elsewhere but this pandemic has often meant being unable to go and sit with someone , talk things through and hug them.

With a son at day 38 of a severe psychotic episode I hope he's either in secure mental health care or with the Crisis Team. If he normally lives at home it's too great a burden for someone who's had such a terrible shock  and needs to find a way to deal with their loss to bear. It will take a lot of time and many tears to come to terms with.

pollyx

monnagran

Thanks for your sympathy.  My friend lives on the mainland so not within easy reach.
No Polly, she is coping on her own.  She has lived with this for some years.  Her son was a strange child who had a lot of anxiety, obsessions and social difficulties but they could never get to the bottom of it.  I think they did the rounds of consultants, advisors, doctors.....you know the drill.  The psychotic episodes didn't start until about 7 years ago.  My friend is a strong lady and has immersed herself in finding out all she can about his condition, has written papers for medical conferences and left no stone unturned.  However, this coming on top of losing her husband so suddenly and shockingly has nearly beaten her.
Thankfully her younger son is settled and just started a new job in medical research so he at least is settled.  They are a highly intelligent family.  That may be part of the trouble. Her husband was the most brilliant musician and music teacher I have ever met, and I have met a few.  I don't think there was an instrument that he didn't play.

Sorry for droning on.  It helps to get it out there and I know you will understand.

Now I must get on and deal with a few things that have been pushed to the back burner.  Not least the fact that I agreed to help with a church service next Sunday.  I was quite prepared to do a reading or write a prayer or something, but it appears that I am doing the whole thing.  I don't mind, but as we are still masked and not allowed to sing it takes a while to plan something that will be both beautiful and meaningful.

The house could also do with a bit of love and care, but that will have to wait.

THOUGHT FOR TODAY 

When cooking sausages, p r I c k  them well, to make sure they are quite dead.

MrsCD

No words, @monnagran, just lots of hugs and prayers for you and your friends.

Florenceem

monnagran - I hadn't heard of Frederick Douglass - so did a google. I am learning a lot from you.
DGD sent me some of her uni work again just for me to help her choose which words out of the highlighted ones - she should use.  I had 5 of my children at uni and as this was before computers - never asked to read through work.
I got away with no reaction after my 2nd jab - even my arm didn't feel sore.
Still watching Poirot episodes on You Tube.
We haven't been to Church since the pandemic started but watch the You Tube services. Before Covid we attended weekly and I was involved in lots of meetings  There are limited numbers allowed in Church at the moment and you have to register to attend. Not being able to sing or stay and chat has put us off going. So looking forward to taking part in worship again.
I felt so much better after my trip to the hairdresser yesterday.
Today we walked into town to visit a shop that is closing down - got 18 metres of fabric for £30. I have been asked to make aprons with pockets for stall holders at a planned SA craft fair. 
Another pic -