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The Nice People Thread, No.16: A Universe of Niceness.
Comments
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PasturesNew wrote: »Another bit is "interested enquiry"....
I often seem to ask questions that irritate people, take teachers for example. They say something and I ask a question, they seem a bit annoyed at the interruption and answer... so I think about that and then have another question. I'm then labelled as "awkward and disruptive" - when, in fact, I'm interested and enquiring further, in order to fully understand what I'm hearing.... I'm interested beyond a superficial simple statement and I want to know that I've got it right - and to query situations. I started off interested in their subject - and now I hate it, hate them, hate the class and will hate them forever.... because they were horrid when it wasn't necessary. Not listening now, stuff you and your subject
To invent a scenario, if somebody "in authority" were to say "This Friday you can all go home early" and I asked "at what time?" - that is a simple question. "Early" is not defined. So they turn and say "when I say you can" - but I want/need more information... "... so, do you mean before lunch? or after lunch? how much early? an hour? two?" - and, instead of answering the question they just get annoyed and "bark" at me to shut up.
Their answer might've simply been "I don't know what time, it'll be after the big meeting, which starts at 3pm - so it might end at 4pm or 4.30" then I've a clue!
It's not like they didn't know all along.... so why be angry at me?
But suddenly I'm "the bad person", the "argumentative, negative and awkward one" ....
And ... I don't get it.
I learned very quickly with mine to define an answer when such a question was asked...it saved so much turmoil and stress for all of us!We made it! All three boys have graduated, it's been hard work but it shows there is a possibility of a chance of normal (ish) life after a diagnosis (or two) of ASD. It's not been the easiest route but I am so glad I ignored everything and everyone and did my own therapies with them.
Eldests' EDS diagnosis 4.5.10, mine 13.1.11 eekk - now having fun and games as a wheelchair user.0 -
It is all a bit of a mess with my brother's marriage right now, I'll not go into it too much here as you never know who is reading but I will probably expand elsewhere once I know/have confirmed things.
Upshot though is that it will probably end up in the divorce courts...We made it! All three boys have graduated, it's been hard work but it shows there is a possibility of a chance of normal (ish) life after a diagnosis (or two) of ASD. It's not been the easiest route but I am so glad I ignored everything and everyone and did my own therapies with them.
Eldests' EDS diagnosis 4.5.10, mine 13.1.11 eekk - now having fun and games as a wheelchair user.0 -
It is all a bit of a mess with my brother's marriage right now, I'll not go into it too much here as you never know who is reading but I will probably expand elsewhere once I know/have confirmed things.
Upshot though is that it will probably end up in the divorce courts...
10 charactersDo you know anyone who's bereaved? Point them to https://www.AtaLoss.org which does for bereavement support what MSE does for financial services, providing links to support organisations relevant to the circumstances of the loss & the local area. (Link permitted by forum team)
Tyre performance in the wet deteriorates rapidly below about 3mm tread - change yours when they get dangerous, not just when they are nearly illegal (1.6mm).
Oh, and wear your seatbelt. My kids are only alive because they were wearing theirs when somebody else was driving in wet weather with worn tyres.0 -
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The pragmatist in me immediately sees this and responds "Oh well, at least that'll be sorted then"
And.... I don't think that's the right thing to say.
On the other hand, I don't have a clue what would be the right thing to say.
So this is where I should just go silent.
In a social setting I'd have been expected "to make the right mumbles" and probably nod in a particular way ..... and, on the basis I wouldn't get any of that right, I'd immediately be "relegated" by the person talking to me as "persona non grata" ... and they'd forever more seek out the company of others. And there it'd go .... another person who didn't want to be my friend.
It's so easily done 0 -
PasturesNew wrote: »The pragmatist in me immediately sees this and responds "Oh well, at least that'll be sorted then"
And.... I don't think that's the right thing to say.
On the other hand, I don't have a clue what would be the right thing to say.
So this is where I should just go silent.
In a social setting I'd have been expected "to make the right mumbles" and probably nod in a particular way ..... and, on the basis I wouldn't get any of that right, I'd immediately be "relegated" by the person talking to me as "persona non grata" ... and they'd forever more seek out the company of others. And there it'd go .... another person who didn't want to be my friend.
It's so easily done
Do you have any idea *why* that would usually be the wrong thing to say? And if not, are you at all interested in learning that?Do you know anyone who's bereaved? Point them to https://www.AtaLoss.org which does for bereavement support what MSE does for financial services, providing links to support organisations relevant to the circumstances of the loss & the local area. (Link permitted by forum team)
Tyre performance in the wet deteriorates rapidly below about 3mm tread - change yours when they get dangerous, not just when they are nearly illegal (1.6mm).
Oh, and wear your seatbelt. My kids are only alive because they were wearing theirs when somebody else was driving in wet weather with worn tyres.0 -
PasturesNew wrote: »The pragmatist in me immediately sees this and responds "Oh well, at least that'll be sorted then"
And.... I don't think that's the right thing to say.
On the other hand, I don't have a clue what would be the right thing to say.
So this is where I should just go silent.
In a social setting I'd have been expected "to make the right mumbles" and probably nod in a particular way ..... and, on the basis I wouldn't get any of that right, I'd immediately be "relegated" by the person talking to me as "persona non grata" ... and they'd forever more seek out the company of others. And there it'd go .... another person who didn't want to be my friend.
It's so easily done
Strangely in this situation, it is exactly the right thing to say! It's what most of us have said in the last couple of days (once we got over the shock of the story, my actual first reaction was "Wha……,wha…...eh....what!"
That will make more sense once I post the whole sorry saga up elsewhere.We made it! All three boys have graduated, it's been hard work but it shows there is a possibility of a chance of normal (ish) life after a diagnosis (or two) of ASD. It's not been the easiest route but I am so glad I ignored everything and everyone and did my own therapies with them.
Eldests' EDS diagnosis 4.5.10, mine 13.1.11 eekk - now having fun and games as a wheelchair user.0 -
Do you have any idea *why* that would usually be the wrong thing to say? And if not, are you at all interested in learning that?
No idea at all really ....
The thing is with "learning" - you actually would have to "learn" and remember and recall everything you ever said for the rest of your life.
It's not like learning six things and being able to pull one out of the hat once every 2-3 years... it's "every response to everything said, by anybody, ever, anywhere, at anytime". Which just isn't possible.
I should get cards printed: Hello, I'm a mute 0 -
Any of any "correct" responses, aren't logically correct.
Getting a divorce:
"Oh, sorry to hear that". Thinking: Great, so you won't be calling me at 3am again as you've been locked out/beaten up or dealing with another affair or gambling debt.
"Sorry to hear that". Really? In most cases, for many people, it'd have been the final end to what's been a tortuous 2-3 years as they've always said that one's a wrong 'un. "Sorry to hear that" type of responses are what keep people in toxic relationships as it makes it sound like others are "disappointed" at their "failure"0 -
I think, in short, it's telling somebody who responds in this way "Everything you think is wrong. Everything."
And
"Here are 20,000 things somebody might say to you - and how you MUST reply. Now go off and remember every one of them and use them."
Never being "allowed" to have your own thoughts, or say your own words.
I'd just prefer to find a cave as the alternative is to be stripped of your own being/existence... made to perform like a monkey for the rest of your life, simply because "logical and practical thinking and speaking is disallowed/banned".0 -
I've just been looking at the autistic guy's website. He is an artist - painting and ceramic. Very talented!
What I noticed at lunch was that he had interesting and insightful things to say. It was just the small talk fillers that he clearly couldn't see the point of and therefore could not reproduce as expected. Of course, he's absolutely right that it is just a waste of hot air.
I'm not sure people have done him a favour by getting him to say things that don't matter at all or come naturally to him? It might be better to teach him not to care. So, he's slightly awkward in company, but don't worry about it. Everyone notices, but it's not important, and nobody cares.No reliance should be placed on the above! Absolutely none, do you hear?0
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