The Nice People Thread, No.16: A Universe of Niceness.

LydiaJ

PasturesNew wrote: »

Another bit is "interested enquiry"....

I often seem to ask questions that irritate people, take teachers for example. They say something and I ask a question, they seem a bit annoyed at the interruption and answer... so I think about that and then have another question. I'm then labelled as "awkward and disruptive" - when, in fact, I'm interested and enquiring further, in order to fully understand what I'm hearing.... I'm interested beyond a superficial simple statement and I want to know that I've got it right - and to query situations. I started off interested in their subject - and now I hate it, hate them, hate the class and will hate them forever.... because they were horrid when it wasn't necessary. Not listening now, stuff you and your subject

To invent a scenario, if somebody "in authority" were to say "This Friday you can all go home early" and I asked "at what time?" - that is a simple question. "Early" is not defined. So they turn and say "when I say you can" - but I want/need more information... "... so, do you mean before lunch? or after lunch? how much early? an hour? two?" - and, instead of answering the question they just get annoyed and "bark" at me to shut up.

Their answer might've simply been "I don't know what time, it'll be after the big meeting, which starts at 3pm - so it might end at 4pm or 4.30" then I've a clue!
It's not like they didn't know all along.... so why be angry at me?

But suddenly I'm "the bad person", the "argumentative, negative and awkward one" ....

And ... I don't get it.

If someone is speaking to a whole group, anyone who asks more than 2 questions in quick succession is likely to be perceived as getting in the way of the speaker delivering what they want to say to the whole group. People get frustrated when they are trying to get something done and someone gets in their way of completing it.

You may get better results asking a single question and then saving any further questions for later, after the main talk/announcement or whatever has been completed, and preferably when the rest of the group aren't listening.

Think of how you feel when that child ("funny girl"??) kept pestering you with questions. She was being "interested" but you perceived it as pestering.

Jackmydad

LydiaJ wrote: »

If someone is speaking to a whole group, anyone who asks more than 2 questions in quick succession is likely to be perceived as getting in the way of the speaker delivering what they want to say to the whole group. People get frustrated when they are trying to get something done and someone gets in their way of completing it.

You may get better results asking a single question and then saving any further questions for later, after the main talk/announcement or whatever has been completed, and preferably when the rest of the group aren't listening.

Think of how you feel when that child ("funny girl"??) kept pestering you with questions. She was being "interested" but you perceived it as pestering.

"I'll try to answer any questions you might have after"
Is what I'd say if I was the one giving a talk or a lecture.

PasturesNew

GDB2222 wrote: »

... clearly had been taught how to make small talk and seemed to find it a terrible strain. By the end of the meal, he was clearly quite agitated by the effort involved.

He probably had to rest for a week to "get over it".

While it's great some people can be "taught" this, it's actually like somebody in a wheelchair having to hide it and wear a hidden body suit so they can stand up.

You're not "you" as your problem still exists, but others can't see it..... and then you just go home tired/agitated ... and bl00dy annoyed

michaels

I was driving my DDs and 2 of their mates somewhere (as normal) and they were in high spirits and busily insulting each other as (apparently) you do with your mates when you are a teenager.

So DD1 turns to DD2s mate and says 'Yeah - yer Mum!' at which point the car goes silent - DD2s friend's mum having died from cancer a year or so before...

WE now have a family saying as soon as someone says 'Yer mum' we all reply 'Friend's name Mum!' whilst DD1 cringes.

PasturesNew

LydiaJ wrote: »

Think of how you feel when that child ("funny girl"??) kept pestering you with questions. She was being "interested" but you perceived it as pestering.

She was just bl00dy irritating though .... but it was more than question asking. I saw her trying door handles to let herself into people's houses who had "bothered" to talk to her. Everything about her irritated me.... even the fact she was breathing.



When I asked questions, say at school, it's not because I was "the thickest/holding everybody else up" .... I find quite often that people say to me "I'm glad you asked that... I didn't understand a thing but didn't like to say". Sometimes, people who know a lot about something, skip over the "bits that make it make sense" to those who know nothing.

PasturesNew

Jackmydad wrote: »

"I'll try to answer any questions you might have after"
Is what I'd say if I was the one giving a talk or a lecture.

It's happened to me most often in a school classroom - not being one for having attended talks or lectures

If I'm listening, then ask a question as I don't understand something ... then am "dismissed", I'll just put my pencil down and stare out the window... after all, I no longer know what's going on ... so no point listening is there

PasturesNew

This thing about "asking for things". I can''t do it, so I very very rarely do.

Well ... for some reason I posted in a local FB group re ancestry stuff .... "has anybody got the Will of ....." and I didn't expect an answer. It was from 250 years ago and I expected stoney silence.... and it would just go on my "list of things to investigate if you ever get to the archives".

So, I posted .... and nothing, of course. But, I do know that, once posted "anything can drop out of thin air in 1-10 years' time"... so it's always worth doing.

I've had a shout....somebody has it. Not sure why but they're "funded" for this chap's tree by some business whose family is also connected to the same chap.

Awaiting page two .... unfortunately, page one just pretty much gives his name on the bottom 1" of the page and the actual Will is on the next sheet.

This chap isn't my bloodline, but the daughter of this chap might be somebody who married into our family.... and so at least she can have parents on my tree if it is right. If I've got the right Will, then it does mention my bloodline chap by name/location/year, but also somebody who isn't yet on my tree (which makes it confusing). My tree chap did have a son by the other person's name, but not for another 3 years, which is a nuisance

Loanranger

The new syndrome you have self identified with ,Cognitive Behavioural Therapy would help sort that out. On the other hand, you may answer by stating, the trouble with that is...

PasturesNew

ITV 9pm tonight: Long Lost Family.

They've used DNA to trace family of unnamed/unknown/abandoned babies. Foundlings.

SingleSue

GDB2222 wrote: »

There's quite a lot to be said for !!!!!!. More realistically, "Don't say something unless you are sure it's the right thing."

One of the participants at lunch on Saturday is autistic. High functioning autistic, who clearly had been taught how to make small talk and seemed to find it a terrible strain. By the end of the meal, he was clearly quite agitated by the effort involved. He's probably incredibly clever and talented, but he spent most of the meal looking like a rabbit caught in the headlights.

Sounds like youngest son, any kind of social interaction leaves him completely exhausted as it is so stressful trying to appear 'normal' and remembering the social niceties (he observes how others behave and tries to replicate it...not always successfully though it has to be said, he's got it very very wrong in the past) he should be doing to fit in.

He's found it is just easier to not socialise, less stressful and less tiring and without the danger of not responding as he should as he can't 'read' people/interpret their expressions.