Where do I stand if we seperate, not married but have children together

NannyV

Sambella wrote: »

Life as a single parent can be tough but overall I found it much much better than being in an unhappy relationship.

My ex was moody too. There comes a point where it may get too much. It did with me. Looking back and being honest now after all these years maybe he was just as unhappy as I was.

I moved back home when my kids were 7 and 2 years old this was miles away from him but to this day he remains in contact with the kids who are now grown up.

I've never been bitter. I fiqured it would do me much more harm than him so I just got on with my life as a single parent. Went back to work and 22 years later I'm still working in the same job. I Have never had lots of money but I managed to buy a house which worked out cheaper than renting. My ex still lives in a council house, went on to have 3 more kids. He is happy with his lot and I am happy with mine.

I'm sorry you faced the same problems, but I am glad you are happier with life as it is now. I think the bitterness is mainly in the heat of the moment when he is moody and when I feel like I am trapped. I know if we seperate it will have to be done so that the kids still see him, and for their benefit it would just be for fun times of days and dinners out as I can't see them staying with him and looking forward to staying over if he continues to just order them around. Maybe that would change if we didn't live together but like I said he isn't really in touch with his feelings let alone giving the kids affection if they are scared/worried etc.

jimbo747

NannyV wrote: »

Tried, I think he thinks Im just saying it out of frustration. He literally just ignores me, says nothing. He might get better for a day but as soon as I can't cook his dinner or the kids are hyper he goes back to just walking out or sitting on the sofa glued to his phone ignoring me.
I don't know what else to do, I have been waiting for him to snap out of it but this has been going on for a couple of weeks. I have said that if we don't make him happy he is free to walk away, but he just buries his head in the sand

Are you serious? He's been upset, perhaps under huge stress at work due to responsibility as mirrored by his pay cheque, and gets moody for a few weeks (I do the same) and you want him out, ruin him financially and sure he can't be happy in the future?

Poor kids.

NannyV

jimbo747 wrote: »

Are you serious? He's been upset, perhaps under huge stress at work due to responsibility as mirrored by his pay cheque, and gets moody for a few weeks (I do the same) and you want him out, ruin him financially and sure he can't be happy in the future?

Poor kids.

Jog on Jimbo, more to it than that. If your being moody for a good chuck of time regardless of the reason, To the point of making your kids and partner miserable... Don't expect for people to tolerate it. I thought he was the one who wanted out... He doesn't seem to enjoy being at home in a busy house, and if he can't make an effort to snap out of it after a few weeks then yes I will consider that maybe its time to move on to make my kids happy. This isn't just a couple of weeks as a one off, it happens quite often and throwing toys out of the pram because he comes home at 5pm and has to cook a meal?

And trust me.. He wouldn't be ruined financially, 1000 a month to raise 4 kids won't ruin him in the slightest

Rejast

NannyV wrote: »

Jog on Jimbo, more to it than that. If your being moody for a good chuck of time regardless of the reason, To the point of making your kids and partner miserable...

And trust me.. He wouldn't be ruined financially, 1000 a month to raise 4 kids won't ruin him in the slightest

I seiously think that no one should bother trying to help. OP obviously just wants a pat on the head and to be told how poorly she is being treated

However here is my tuppence worth:

It sounds like financially decisons have been made to benefit the whole family, like OP not working full time to save on childcare etc, surely op was involved in these decisions?

I can't believe that the op resents being a mother so much. A father who shouts and has no patience is no worse than a mother who constantly moans about everything they have given up (4!!! times) to give you life.

If the op cannot buy her oh out of the house, why should she expect to keep the house and continue with the joint mortgage?, thus stopping him from getting a mortgage and new house of his own.

I can't believe that she doesn't even ask how his day is. I know if I worked all day and came home to not so much as a "Hi, how's your day been" I'd be a grumpy so&so too. I never realised that dishing up dinner / sorting laundry rendered ones mouth useless.

Mums site? let me guess this would be one of the forums where all those supermums and men haters post whilst being ladies who lunch on thier husbands wages.

If however the OP is not actually the unreasonable person that she comes accross as being then I would be a little more pink and fluffy...

You are entitled to half the equity £80k ish which is more than enough depending on your area for a decent deposit on somewhere else, you have identified that you can increase your own earnings four fold to £2k?, you have calulated that you would get £1k in child maintenence. You would also be entitled to tax credits (sorry not sure how much) but you'd also get child benefit of £247 every 4 weeks. So £3247 + tax credits per month which I'm sure is not going to mean you have to resort to beans on toast for dinner every night.

Kids are very resilient and I'm sure if you made it into a big adventure, moving house would not scar them at all. If anything they would actually bloom when not subjected to a Father so uncaring /overbearing, and a Mother who is obviously stressed by the situation.

Anyway I will now get back in my box :silenced:, and await any insults that are thrown my way.

FBaby

It sounds like you've reached the point where both of you are totally self-focused and couldn't care less about the needs of the other. It sounds like he is fed up of coming home to a house with children who he believes lack discipline and a frustrated/unhappy wife. That alone would indeed send you in a bad mood.

Ultimately, it sounds like he couldn't care less how you feel OP and showing gratefulness for being the main carer for the children.

It sounds like you are both brewing in resentment and blaming each other for the way you are both feeling. It sounds like a lot of wrong can be attributed to him, but it would appear that as much could be attributed to yourself too.

Unless you are both prepared to put aside the blame and start thinking about coming together, helping each other, recognising what the other brings and making time for each other, I can't see how indeed you can make this marriage work, although the sad thing is that you will still need to work on this blame attribution if you are to work together when separated. At the moment, I expect you would be as bad separated, trying to make each other as miserable as possible even though you would be going you own ways.

GarthThomas

NannyV wrote: »

Because sadly enough alot of men are like this. I can deal with him not doing the practical things but its pushing me to the limit when he just comes home in a foul mood. Alot of women put up with Dads not helping, its sadly the norm still. But now he is moody and snappy at the kids it has changed things of how much I can just put up with

Can I remind you that you are the one who wants him to leave, who wants him to lose his house, and wants him to suffer, yet you keep talking about him walking away.

There has been no suggestion so far that he wants to walk away, you are choosing to try to kick him out. You've used this phrase several times. YOU are the one talking about walking away, not him.

GarthThomas

clearingout wrote: »

Equally, he could have taken responsibility, knowing family life wasn't for him. He could have refused to have additional children, ensured he used contraception and found himself some counselling to sort out his poor attitude.

Why must it always be the woman who 'should have' made the changes ?

He perhaps feels (with some justification) that he has taken responsibility by going out to work every day, to a job he possibly dislikes, to bring home money to ensure that his family has a good life.

I can see that if you are doing perhaps ten hours a day in a hard and stressful job while all four children are at school that you do perhaps feel a bit grumpy if you come home to a messy house.

startingout2016

Are you positive he hasn't started another relationship? His actions over the past 3 weeks seem dreadfully familiar.

It could be that he is depressed but you would hope that after 17 years together he could talk to you about that and any other issues that is making him moody and hard to live with.

So if he isn't talking to you and sharing the burden it points to something else that is getting to him that he can't or doesn't want to talk to you about.

Could be another women? Could be issues at work?

Guest101

startingout2016 wrote: »

Are you positive he hasn't started another relationship? His actions over the past 3 weeks seem dreadfully familiar.

It could be that he is depressed but you would hope that after 17 years together he could talk to you about that and any other issues that is making him moody and hard to live with.

So if he isn't talking to you and sharing the burden it points to something else that is getting to him that he can't or doesn't want to talk to you about.

Could be another women? Could be issues at work?

Could be the OPs attitude too.


I mean it sounds like she's totally unsupportive and ungrateful

davidwood123

NannyV wrote: »

Yep I knew I had you right all along

Yep, I believe in true equality between the sexes.

Guess that makes me a monster :rotfl: