Where do I stand if we seperate, not married but have children together

heartbreak_star

NannyV wrote: »

I will be resentful of the fact that 'oh but he has a demanding job and wants to come home to peace and a tidy house' because I would love to too!!

-snip-

It stired up feelings about how having a family can effect a woman diferently from a man when you seperate

1) Could you get a cleaner to take some of the stress off you? Might be worth the money for the peace of mind.

2) That's a bit sexist - surely every situation has its own difficulties for each person?

HBS x

Guest101

heartbreak_star wrote: »

1) Could you get a cleaner to take some of the stress off you? Might be worth the money for the peace of mind.

2) That's a bit sexist - surely every situation has its own difficulties for each person?

HBS x

The OP has made a few sexist comments

heartbreak_star

Guest101 wrote: »

The OP has made a few sexist comments

Agreed. Sometimes what I (rather meanly) think of as "the Mumsnet transfer students" can be bad for that...

HBS x

globetraveller

Read through your posts and ask yourself if your partner may be depressed? Perhaps you are as well. I think if you had thought about childminding before you decided to go it alone, it might have made you happier. You might think he is being selfish, but if he were to write from his point of view I wonder if it would reflect yours? You must have loved him enough to have 4 children ( or did you have triplets?)
You do only have one go at life but can you really do nothing about the situation? Try making a real effort. Help him by gettING that childminder job. It's amazing that you can think you are able to do that, only after splitting up.
First of all, go and see your Dr.

FBaby

All the families I know with 4 or 5 kids (don't know any with more kids!), either the wife doesn't work, and is happy to be a SAHM, hence the decision for that number of kids, or works in a very good career and therefore can pay for an au pair/nanny/cleaner/gardener etc... (but still find it quite tough).

I really don't see the point of working part-time in a minimum wage job if your husband brings in good money and you find that it is too much to tackle looking after the kids/home and work (which everyone would find hard).

You have said a number of time that you gave up your career for your OH, but then talk about minimum wage jobs, so I'm not too clear whether you are well qualified and have the potential for a good career if you were prepared to receive help looking after your children/house, or whether this was more a theoretical statement.

In the end, it doesn't seem that your arrangements are working at all since all it is bringing is extreme resentment. So have you considered the alternative or being a SAHM or launching back your career?

NannyV

Let me clear up a few things for the people saying the following;

1 - career wise, we met very young and discussed having kids, we both decided that we would be starting a family within 5 years and that we didn't want to put our kids in Nursery/childcare. I was in the middle of deciding to leave the childcare line of work due to low pay but because we discussed how this would enable our kids to still have me to look after them during the day, I stayed in childcare and was a Childminder for 8 years before doing some Nannying and other work to top up money. At the time he was on earning half what he does now so I needed to bring in money too. I like to feel like I'm contributing something as I don't like the typical 'your living off his money, you owe everything to him'. Which is why I still work now

2 I don't Childmind now to bring in that same wage as we moved and he didn't like coming home to a housefull of even more kids and parents and all the extra clutter and mess on walls etc. It brang. I fancied a change too and he was earning more so I got a job term time only in a Nursery.

3 Whoever said that its ok for him to be moody because he works hard and comes home to a house of noisy kids and because once a week he has to cook a meal for himself and 1 child (because I am taking kids to after school activities and am not at home).... I think actually you need to open your eyes. Just because someone works doesn't mean they can't cook a dinner once in a while without getting stropping about it.

4 He works average hours 44.5 a week to be exact, my working hours plus hours of ironing and tidying and cleaning equate to the same if not more.

This thread is getting off topic from the actual help I needed and is more about 'how the person who has the hardest job, should be put on a pedalstool. I'm not buying into it, I won't bend over backwards and accept strops off of a fully grown man because he can't hack the lifestyle that having kids brings. And the reason for 4..... all planned, all consented, all loved. My OH isn't like this all the time..... Hence why I felt happy to have 4 with him, but he seems to be less tolerant and less involoved he acts as if he doesn't really want to be at home anymore. So yes, I am rethinking if this is the type of man I want to be with if it is going to become more frequent and more intense.

Kynthia

As you aren't married you don't get to split "marital assets" but only keep what you each own. Thankfully you are a joint owner of the property so you get your share of that but legally you only have bank accounts, cars, debts, pensions, etc that are in your name. If you want anything else then you have to sue for it and have a legal basis for doing so, and fairness Isn't one as what's relevant is if you paid for something or were promised something that isn't in your name (e.g. he had a rental property in his name but you had paid the deposit for it).

Either one of you can force the sale of the property and I doubt you can stay in the property until the children are grown unless your partner agrees. The mortgage company are highly unlikely to allow him to come off the loan even if yiu offer to buy him out as you don't pass the affordability criteria for a mortgage of that size on your own. He won't have to pay for half the mortgage as well as maintenance if not living there and having to pay to live elsewhere especially as you will be getting the benefit of living in the property and won't be paying him rent for living in his half. I don't know much about benefits and tax/childcare credits but it's likely you'll be entitled to something so plugging some numbers into a benefits checker website might give you some ideas on what you'll get.

Jacobs

You are going to have to move out of the marital home. It will be the best thing for you as your will have to grow up. Which you clearly need to do.

Primrose

You say your house is disruptive and your kids are always noisy. Does your OH have a stressful job? Is he in in fact struggling to keep on top of his job and coming home to a noisy household is perhaps more than he can cope with?

Would it help for the pair of you to sit down together and try and work out a domestic routine that you both ensure is adhered to with the children and they try and understand that daddy needs some peace and quiet when he comes home from work? It won!t solve everything but it may start to create a different atmosphere where the two of you can more amicably discuss what else is going wrong.

I do get the impression that the children (perhaps understandably) are totally dominating the agenda but that isn't good for nurturing any relationship long term. Find out from him the household issues that are making him the most cross and sit down jointly and try to work how how they can be changed or perhaps reduced. Does he feel that he's just the money provider bill payer and not appreciated? It may be that he,s always been a selfish self centred bast**d but perhaps he,s gradually become like this because he feels his needs have not been addressed. So now he,s declared universal independence and is always clearing off to play golf anyway.

I think it would help to sit down and agree some domestic structures and rules and include the children in the equation. It,s far easier to become a functioning household when everybody knows the rules, including the children. I know they're still young but they also need to know how they fit into the structure. Both fighting separate battles will never get you to a harmonious point whatever way forward you eventually decide on.

Who knows, things may get easier as the children get a little older.

Diary

Jacobs wrote: »

You are going to have to move out of the marital home. It will be the best thing for you as your will have to grow up. Which you clearly need to do.

He's the boyfriend - it isn't a marital home. Important difference.