When things hit rock bottom the only answer is to fight the way back up...

Toni'sfriend

Hidden, I can completely understand that you don't want to say anything bad about their father to the little ones. I split up with my son's father when he was 13 and I have never said a bad word about him to my son. He has a very good relationship with both of us but over the years has come to realize that things were very, very difficult for me because his father didn't contribute financially and he gave me a very hard time emotionally. They will come to their own conclusions over time and it won't necessarily be bad towards him but I can guarantee that you will be the one they remember as bringing them up properly.
It is hard when someone is as selfish as he is (and I'm sorry to say he is very selfish and self centered not to mentioned controlling) to stand your ground and say to him " you see the children on my terms" but, I'm afraid I don't see any other way. I can also understand how your mother feels but really she has to not interfere and let you sort it out although I can understand why she does (mine did!).
Sorry if I'm being too personal. Please don't be offended and feel free to ignore me.
I really hope you can sort his issue out. xxx

Hiddenidenity

Thank you for that about Giffgaff I will check when I need to top up again and maybe try the £7.50 one. I hadn't really looked before

TF things will work out, it always does. I think I've just stood my ground a little more this time. I'm sure one day it will all work out, without me doing all the compromising and him getting all his own way :cool: We have to get Xmas over with first :rotfl:

Thank you for all your help. I did try to keep the issues away from here but it affects so much of everything else I post here. Maybe one day we will both just back down and be fine.

Hiddenidenity

Today hasn't been a NSD.

£2.20 to school for a workshop for youngest

I'm just about to head off to the supermarket for some bits we need. Also need another plain t-shirt for youngest a CIN t-shirt. They wasn't taking part originally as they have things on in nursery Friday however now they are and she wants to make her own.

Also need some fresh stuff and juice and milk. I really can't put it off any longer Also the fact I haven't lifted anything out for dinner tonight Not like me! But there we go. No doubt there will be some sort of sweet treat for smalls just because I want too this where I shouldn't be allowed out :rotfl:

Toni'sfriend

You know, Hidden, you sound a bit like me there. I always said that "things will work out because they have to". Sometimes you just have to be a little bit stronger than you think you can be. Ah Christmas. Difficult, I know, but you've realized that already so you're ahead of the game there.
And you're right this situation does affect everything else so never feel that you can't have a rant on here. You're doing great. Just keep at it. xxx

Cherryfudge

Christmas... how about Christmas Day at yours (or your Mum's if that's how you do it) with you but not him, then 'Daddy's Christmas' on Boxing Day or New Year with him?

Toni'sfriend

Christmas... how about Christmas Day at yours (or your Mum's if that's how you do it) with you but not him, then 'Daddy's Christmas' on Boxing Day or New Year with him?

Sounds like a perfect solution.

EssexHebridean

Hiddenidenity wrote: »

I am going to get back to eating with the smalls I think. There's no reason why I can't and I can't even try to make an excuse So that starts tonight then, yep? Well done you! :T

Cakes for school :cool: I feel awful if I say no but there really is only me and a parent of an older child that ever brings them in. However I'm not doing the Xmas cakes for the fayre this year I will be working etc and it actually costs a fair bit to make and decorate 96+ cakes :cool: So have already made known I cannot do these. Whoah - back the truck up a minute - not only do you make the cakes but they expect you to pay for the ingredients too? That's very not on indeed - at least without anyone checking that the costs are affordable. :mad:

As for OH I think I just need to except it is what it is and stop moaning about it No, you don't. Ultimately I could stick my feet on the ground and make it change. Yes, and you might have to...! He doesn't listen to instructions, he shouldn't be here planned or unplanned. However I'm aware the kids do think he's amazing and I don't want to turn their relationship sour. Quite right,
and nor should you - which is where planned access comes in - supervised if necessary.Much to mums disappointment and hence me feeling so stuck in the middle all the time. Now I notice myself lying to her to 'cover up' when he's visited or making up excuses why he came etc. Call a halt to that one right now - if she asks, be truthful,
and if she then criticizes gently point out that it might not be your ideal either but sometime people have to do the right thing for the sake of their children...that ought to be subtly sarcastic enough to make her take a step back! Think I'm going to arrange to speak to him without smalls and make plans on visiting times and when is suitable to be feeding them sugar filled snacks and when isn't! 100% - and have something written out to actually hand to him on that once you've "explained" things to him - you know, just in case the conversation slips his mind.

I didn't consider the vitamins really I am aware though my issues with food and diet go hand in hand with my other issues. Maybe I just need a whole new me :rotfl:

My blog is linked into my profile (under the "contacts" section) - you might be interested to have a read of a recent post of mine entitled "One Year to Change A Life?" - it IS possible to effectively end up with an almost "new you" but it does require a bit of determination. Can be done though...one step at a time - from today getting back to eating sensible meals and being a shining example to your small people. Next step maybe getting out a bit here and there on your own for some gentle exercise? Again - fresh air and particularly sunshine can work wonders for MH issues... :cool:

You've already made such big strides financially - now it's time to move the focus onto doing the right thing for yourself - and that in turn lets you be the best Mum you can for those smalls. I PROMISE you can do this.

Toni'sfriend

So much sense there. Really you can do this. A bit of support (lots of it here) and determination and it is achievable.

EssexHebridean

It occurred to me to wonder whether the cakes for the school thing is really just apathy/laziness on the part of whoever organises such things - while they have people who just "do it" there's no incentive to try to whip up interest among others to get involved, is there!

kiss_me_now9

Hi Hidden! I've just read the first 17 pages and then skipped to the end - not because I was bored but because I really should be doing uni work instead!

It sounds like the situation has changed in the past few months RE OH but I wanted to add some words of support (I hope they aren't out of line). My ex was 100% exactly like your OH, he was lazy, selfish, didn't care about his job to the point where he nearly got sacked several times, never contributed to anything household money wise... blew all his money on weed and video games (slightly different there I hope). Reading through this thread really reminded me of him and how I could never get him to change. I remember one time, for example, we'd had a massive blow out about him spending his weeks wages on weed, cigarettes, alcohol and food so we had nothing left to pay the bills with - and I found hidden in my clothes a baggie of more weed he'd bought two days later. Just no ability to see past his own destructive acts to how they were affecting others.

When he broke up he didn't change at all, still bounces from job to job, still smokes his life away, still doesn't care about others than himself. People have to want to change. I don't believe that they can't, but more that they can't do it without it being their own choice. I hope you can get some peace from him soon x