Partner bought a house without me

cashbackproblems

Velvetbat wrote: »

You have all been so helpful and honest with your answers and opinions, I am very grateful for your input.
Just to clear up a few things some people have asked or are unsure of.
We have discussed marriage and he wants to marry me in 3-4 years. This is actually one of the reasons I am so intent on buying part of this house rather than just being entitled to because we are married. I was as a single mother for three years and financially took sole care of myself and my children and I still do. I do not depend on my partner financially.
I was not ready to buy a home when he wanted to buy his Granddads and we spoke about that. The issue was not that he wanted to buy the house ( he already owns another property and it has nothing to do with me and I dont want it to) the issue was that he wanted us all to move into his granddads, that's why he was buying it. He did not want to rent it out.
I knew I wasn't ready for a mortgage for two reasons. Because I was newly self employed I have been advised by several lenders that I need 3 years accounts before applying for a mortgage. Also I want to be sure that my business has been up and running for a few years to ensure I can definitely continue with it and it will provide the financial security needed to take on a mortgage. It would be silly of me to take out a mortgage while my business is still new.
It would have also been silly of me to move myself and my children into a house that I don't own without the safety of a tenancy agreement either. This is why he suggested I dont pay rent until I can get a mortgage. That way the money I save can also act as a safety net to find a new home should the worst case scenario happen and we split.

Ultimately you have probably been "financially dependent" due to the welfare system


I doubt (unless you have a v profitable and secure business) you will ever be able to get a mortgage on your own, so this might be your best chance. I hope he does not marry you until you can provide and contribute equally into HIS property.

NicNicP

I think if I agreed and said you were right you'd change your opinion to carry on an argument!

ScorpiondeRooftrouser

NicNicP wrote: »

I think if I agreed and said you were right you'd change your opinion to carry on an argument!

Are you speaking to me? if so, I have said one consistent thing.

You made a claim that she was in the wrong because of something that didn't happen (eg, she "forbade him to buy the house").

In fact she simply expressed her opinion that she didn't want him to buy the house.

Given that, do you still think she was in the wrong to so express her opinion?

A simple and clear position.

If you no longer believe she was in the wrong you simply have to say so; as yet you have NOT done this.

NinaSwiss

Velvetbat wrote: »

You have all been so helpful and honest with your answers and opinions, I am very grateful for your input.
Just to clear up a few things some people have asked or are unsure of.
We have discussed marriage and he wants to marry me in 3-4 years. This is actually one of the reasons I am so intent on buying part of this house rather than just being entitled to because we are married. I was as a single mother for three years and financially took sole care of myself and my children and I still do. I do not depend on my partner financially.
I was not ready to buy a home when he wanted to buy his Granddads and we spoke about that. The issue was not that he wanted to buy the house ( he already owns another property and it has nothing to do with me and I dont want it to) the issue was that he wanted us all to move into his granddads, that's why he was buying it. He did not want to rent it out.
I knew I wasn't ready for a mortgage for two reasons. Because I was newly self employed I have been advised by several lenders that I need 3 years accounts before applying for a mortgage. Also I want to be sure that my business has been up and running for a few years to ensure I can definitely continue with it and it will provide the financial security needed to take on a mortgage. It would be silly of me to take out a mortgage while my business is still new.
It would have also been silly of me to move myself and my children into a house that I don't own without the safety of a tenancy agreement either. This is why he suggested I dont pay rent until I can get a mortgage. That way the money I save can also act as a safety net to find a new home should the worst case scenario happen and we split.

I stand corrected on the marriage point in my earlier post.

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck... it probably is. Ok life is not quite as black and white but few things for you to consider IMHO:

If the agreed plan (between the two of you) was that you will co-own the house in the future then why has he really changed his mind (the pension idea dosent make sense to me) ? If the agreement was never in place in the first place, there'd be no issue in my opinion.

If I were with someone for 4yrs, I'd be concerned that he'd want to wait another 3-4 years to get married. No one is getting any younger here!

If you think the relationship is on solid ground in most other aspects then looks like your options are to either move in with him and live rent free, whilst saving it as contribution to a joint purchase or carry on renting and live separately till you are both ready to get married and buy a place together. Just as he has, you are free to change your mind about living together too.

Angry_Bear

always_sunny wrote: »

Usually there're two sides in the story, we have only the OP, though all I can read is:
"The house needed gutting and renovating so I have spent every weekend for a year down at the house helping with the renovation (entirely hands on)."
I don't know if it was promised that by helping she would get a share of the house, I see the scenario as fairly common where one person buys a property and needs to renovate, the other joins along to help spending time together, beside she is living there rent-free.

Without knowing what the bloke said, it could be all in the OP head that she was going to get a share of something.
"Today my partner told me that he wont ever allow me to buy half of the house"
Maybe the OP demanded that since she helped, she wants to buy her share from him and he said no.

I have helped friends in the past painting, renovating, etc and never crossed my mind that I should get a share of their houses.

I have to wonder if you read the OP thoroughly? Because I have NO problem with somebody buying a house without their partner because their partner isn't in a position to buy. I have no problem with someone helping out one of their friends/their partner every weekend either for free rent or just out of the goodness of their heart. And I have no problem saying it's unreasonable for someone to expect something in return for a "favour" if that wasn't clear up front. However, from the OP ....

Velvetbat wrote: »

my partner decided he wanted to buy his granddads house on his own ( I cannot get a mortgage yet).
...
We agreed he wouldnt buy the house but he bought it anyway and told me so afterwards.

... he wouldnt expect any rent so that I could save up to buy into the house myself in a few years.
...
Today my partner told me that he wont ever allow me to buy half of the house

The OP's partner seems happy to have discussions and make agreements with her, then completely ignore them and do whatever he wants regardless of her opinions and without telling her (and ignoring whether some of her behaviour has been based on these agreements). That's the problem, not the fact that she helped him renovate his house for free.

dannim12345

I agree with what others have said. I think it's fair he bought the house, his granddads house won't be still around to buy in 3 years (possibly he got a good deal too?). Although pretty out of order not to tell you.

I don't think it's fair he keeps changing his story or that you are working on the property for no benefit. So stop that and consider where your relationship stands.

Somerset

ScorpiondeRooftrouser wrote: »

.

For a second time, what's the point in this if people a ren't going to assume the posters are telling the truth? .

I am assuming the OP is telling the truth, one version. He wanted the house, she didn't, subsequent arguments. That's undisputed, right ? The underlying 'differences' aren't in the OP hence pointless speculation.

AnotherJoe

Velvetbat wrote: »

We have discussed marriage and he wants to marry me in 3-4 years.
.

Not. Gonna. Happen.

dalehitchy

Velvetbat wrote: »

You have all been so helpful and honest with your answers and opinions, I am very grateful for your input.
Just to clear up a few things some people have asked or are unsure of.
We have discussed marriage and he wants to marry me in 3-4 years. This is actually one of the reasons I am so intent on buying part of this house rather than just being entitled to because we are married. I was as a single mother for three years and financially took sole care of myself and my children and I still do. I do not depend on my partner financially.
I was not ready to buy a home when he wanted to buy his Granddads and we spoke about that. The issue was not that he wanted to buy the house ( he already owns another property and it has nothing to do with me and I dont want it to) the issue was that he wanted us all to move into his granddads, that's why he was buying it. He did not want to rent it out.
I knew I wasn't ready for a mortgage for two reasons. Because I was newly self employed I have been advised by several lenders that I need 3 years accounts before applying for a mortgage. Also I want to be sure that my business has been up and running for a few years to ensure I can definitely continue with it and it will provide the financial security needed to take on a mortgage. It would be silly of me to take out a mortgage while my business is still new.
It would have also been silly of me to move myself and my children into a house that I don't own without the safety of a tenancy agreement either. This is why he suggested I dont pay rent until I can get a mortgage. That way the money I save can also act as a safety net to find a new home should the worst case scenario happen and we split.

Can i ask you what your business is? Considering you've just started it and able to support yourself and your two kids and be able to save for a deposit, do up your partner's house whilst renting in a short space of time is commendable.

Personally, if i was able to get my grandads house, especially at a good price (at a discount which i imagine it is) I'd snap it up in an instant and would definitely not listen to my gf.

You've started a business and want him to wait 3 years. Alot can happen in 3 years. I can imagine that particular house won't be available in 3 years. I can imagine house prices significantly rise in 3 years. I can imagine with a new business that it could flop at any time. You even said yourself above, you want to make sure you can continue with your business so have to wait 3 years. What if after 3 years you can't. Does he wait longer, how much longer... 4,5,6 years?

Sorry but too many question marks for me. You don't seem stable at all. If you have a good business then you can save in no time so wouldn't be complaining, which makes me think your business isn't much at all at the moment and has a long way to go.

lessonlearned

Fascinating thread..... but I agree we are only hearing one side of the story. I would love to hear his side.

Heres my take.......why does he want to wait another 3 Or 4 years before getting married. Is the delay linked to the ages of your children. Is he waiting until they reach their majority so he will not be financially liable.

Your business........if it has the potential you think it does then why are spending time helping at the house for nothing when you could be using that time and energy to work on your business plan.

What is your time actually "worth" per hour. I.e. £50 an hour spent increasing your business profits or £10 labouring .......which would be best. I would suggest building up your business so you can be financially independent would be a better use of your time.

More fundamental to all this though is the basis of the relationship.

TBH I think you need to straighten this out first because from what you have said (and yes we only have your side, we don't actually know what's in his head) it doesn't sound to be an equal partnership or one that has very firm foundations.

Is it a case of both being once bitten, twice shy. Is it a case that he is a commitment phobe, is it a case of either one or both of you having trust issues.

The way you say he chops and changes his mind doesn't sound very promising so I tend to agree with Another Joe. I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for him to deliver on his promises of marriage.......

It all sounds a bit half hearted and that neither of you are really able to make the level of commitment required to make a relationship work. You both seem to be more interested in protecting your own interests than committing to each other. (Although you do sound more ready than he is).

I can understand that if you are Both "second time arounders" then you are bound to be cautious but there are times in life when you just have to take a leap of faith. Sometimes you just have to take a few risks.

I think - for whatever reason - he's just not ready and I strongly suspect he never will be. Maybe he just can't let go of his fear. So it's Down to you now. Do you try to make him less anxious or do you give up and walk away.

It seems that You did your best to show commitment by providing free labour working on his house but that doesn't seem enough for him. It doesn't seem to have convinced him of your good intent. Therefore you might be bettter to concentrate your efforts on building up your business and making a shed load of money.

That way you can't be accused of being a money grabber or that you are relying on him to provide for you. And of course you will at least have the peace of mind knowing that you can support yourself and your children.

If that doesn't make you a "better catch" in his eyes then maybe you should reconsider whether or not you actually want to invest your precious time effort and love On a man who can't seem to Make up his mind whether he wants you or not.

Maybe if you are a successful business woman in your own right, fully able to support yourself then marriage to this man wont seem as important to you.

You can buy a house of your own, keep your finances entirely separate, he lives in his house, you in yours and you just remain lovers.