Partner bought a house without me

NicNicP

ScorpiondeRooftrouser wrote: »

Where do you get "forbid" from? She said that she would prefer he didn't, they talked about it, and agreed not to. then he went ahead and did so. What part of that is "forbid"? She has a perfect right to express her opinion.

Apologies for using the word forbid. I think you still understood my point though!

NinaSwiss

FBaby wrote: »

Totally agree. It sounds like OP's boyfriend has some reservation, maybe does want to be a committed relationship, but worried that OP is in it for the financial security rather than him as a person.

I too suspect that something came up and the words 'you won't get anything from it' were said during an argument. Sounds like the more OP shows how much she wants everything to be joint, the more concerned he grows that she's up and leave him when it suits her, that even more if he experienced this already.

I agree with this.
We are only hearing one side.
OP, Perhaps he wanted you both to own the house later but has now changed his mind based on his current interpretation of your relationship.
I get that you put alot of sweat into the house with the view that you'd own it in part. Assuming that nothing was specifically discussed about the value of your help, it could have been translated as just being a good girlfriend in the same way that one would put in alot of sweat to help a family member renovate their place (yes every week of the year).


After 4 years, assuming you will be married by the time you retire is quite a leap. That's something that requires a discussion to ascertain where you each stand on it.
I suspect there is alot more wrong in this relationship and the issue around house ownership is just a symptom.

Focus on fixing your relationship first and working out where you are both headed (marriage, joint affairs, more kids etc etc) before even looking at owning a place together.

ScorpiondeRooftrouser

NicNicP wrote: »

Apologies for using the word forbid. I think you still understood my point though!

Well, not really. I might agree with "It was wrong of you to forbid him to buy the house in the first place " but I certainly don't agree with "it was wrong of you to express an opinion about him buying the house". Do you think it was wrong of her to express an opinion about him buying the house?

Somerset

ScorpiondeRooftrouser wrote: »

. Do you think it was wrong of her to express an opinion about him buying the house?

Depends if the opinion was an expression of wishes or demand.


- He wanted the house.
- She didn't.
- She 'expressed her opinion'
- He bought it anyway
- Result ''This caused many arguments''


The 'opinion' is language semantics. He wanted it, she didn't, she nagged until he gave in, he bought it anyway.


ETA : This is my opinion. Not to be confused with reality, truth or facts whatsoever.

NicNicP

ScorpiondeRooftrouser wrote: »

Well, not really. I might agree with "It was wrong of you to forbid him to buy the house in the first place " but I certainly don't agree with "it was wrong of you to express an opinion about him buying the house". Do you think it was wrong of her to express an opinion about him buying the house?

If you reread my post you'll see I didn't say she had no right to express an opinion! In any normal relationship I would assume that partners would express opinions with each other before making decisions.

cashbackproblems

Sorry but you cant get a mortgage, have no real job and 2 kids, hardly much of a catch. You said yourself you could not get a mortgage so its unfair for him to wait and in 3 years the property market may be completely out of reach based on your incomes.


Why should he give you the house you haven't paid for. A bit of cleaning at the weekend doesn't make up for living rent free with your kids.

cashbackproblems

Ptolemyspuzzle wrote: »

Telling him that he couldn't buy a house (with his own money) after only 2 yrs of relationship is a crappy move to begin with, never mind telling him that he can't buy his grandfather's house.

For someone who has teenagers, you seem to be looking at all of this from a bedazzled, lovestruck attitude, rather than from the perspective of someone who has been "once bitten". Expecting such complete commitment after such a short time seems mind-boggling for someone who isn't 18.

I get the impression that you are coming in to this relationship with nothing and are expecting to come out of it with something. It is only right that the person in the stronger financial position be somewhat concerned about what may happen to their finances down the road if everything goes pear shaped.

Question is... why did he suddenly say "you can never buy half of the house"? It's not like it's something that would come up randomly in conversation on a whim... have you been pestering him regarding it, or regarding the future in general? It would explain the cold feet and sudden reversal (if it was actually a reversal in the first place and not your misinterpretation of what was said). You say that you're helping with labour, but who's paying the costs on the house? utilities, tax, skips, equipment etc?

Honestly, I agree with others that he doesn't see you as his life partner. I personally don't like the idea of people thinking they are financially tied and entitled to xyz just because they sleep in the same bed. Perhaps in 3 yrs you can get your own mortgage and be independent, buying your own place to do up. If you are still together then perhaps you can do it up together. Then if you ever get married then perhaps you can sell both and buy something better.

You seem to be focusing a lot on *your* (plural) future. Focus on yourself a bit more, you are the only thing you can control in your life.

I agree with this she sounds like a money grabber and a flop.


I would not dream of being with someone like you, I will soon have a place in my own name and my long term gf wouldn't dream of asking to be on the property as she hasn't contributed, in fact I didn't tell her about it till I got it as its mine nothing to do with her.

ScorpiondeRooftrouser

NicNicP wrote: »

If you reread my post you'll see I didn't say she had no right to express an opinion! In any normal relationship I would assume that partners would express opinions with each other before making decisions.

No, I know you didn't, you said she was wrong to "forbid" it. But she doesn't say she "forbade" it, she says she she expressed her opinion. So do you think she was wrong?

ScorpiondeRooftrouser

Somerset wrote: »

Depends if the opinion was an expression of wishes or demand.


- He wanted the house.
- She didn't.
- She 'expressed her opinion'
- He bought it anyway
- Result ''This caused many arguments''


The 'opinion' is language semantics. He wanted it, she didn't, she nagged until he gave in, he bought it anyway.


ETA : This is my opinion. Not to be confused with reality, truth or facts whatsoever.

Well if we are going to make up stories, let's say she said "I'm not sure about this" whereupon he stole all her children's money and spent it on heroin. He's definitely in the wrong.

For a second time, what's the point in this if people aren't going to assume the posters are telling the truth? Any advice they get is based on them doing so. If they are lying, they will get useless advice.

Velvetbat

You have all been so helpful and honest with your answers and opinions, I am very grateful for your input.
Just to clear up a few things some people have asked or are unsure of.
We have discussed marriage and he wants to marry me in 3-4 years. This is actually one of the reasons I am so intent on buying part of this house rather than just being entitled to because we are married. I was as a single mother for three years and financially took sole care of myself and my children and I still do. I do not depend on my partner financially.
I was not ready to buy a home when he wanted to buy his Granddads and we spoke about that. The issue was not that he wanted to buy the house ( he already owns another property and it has nothing to do with me and I dont want it to) the issue was that he wanted us all to move into his granddads, that's why he was buying it. He did not want to rent it out.
I knew I wasn't ready for a mortgage for two reasons. Because I was newly self employed I have been advised by several lenders that I need 3 years accounts before applying for a mortgage. Also I want to be sure that my business has been up and running for a few years to ensure I can definitely continue with it and it will provide the financial security needed to take on a mortgage. It would be silly of me to take out a mortgage while my business is still new.
It would have also been silly of me to move myself and my children into a house that I don't own without the safety of a tenancy agreement either. This is why he suggested I dont pay rent until I can get a mortgage. That way the money I save can also act as a safety net to find a new home should the worst case scenario happen and we split.