In Debt and scared to tell Hubby

Fluff_Brain

Hi All


I am new here and have just come to terms with how much debt I am actually in :-( (sounds silly I know as it didn't happen overnight).


I have now taken the step of adding everything up and it comes to a whopping £22k, I didn't even expect that..


I fully acknowledge that I am totally to blame, and now am eager to take steps to clear this. Because of a poor credit record I cannot get a reasonable loan to consolidate, so this has left me with two choices:


I either contact someone for help (i tried my bank but they couldn't/wouldn't help) do a debt management plan or I fess up to my" ever so careful with his money husband".


We have always had seperate accounts, so he has no idea, although i think he suspects i overspent at Christmas. he has a good job and does pay the majority of all the bills. I just know he must realise something is cracking off, as he is also paying most of the shopping too, as i have too many things to pay off now and no money left.


I feel absolutely sick to the stomach to tell him, but I know he could get a loan at a very good rate to clear it all off, which would be a good solution.


Just wondered if anyone else has been in this situation ? Don't get me wrong, he is lovely, but I am sooo scared as I know he will be so disappomted. I guess thought that the debt is still there if he knows about it or not, it's still real and I've finally accepted that..


Any thoughts would be welcome xx

National_Debtline

Hi there and welcome to MSE,


Firstly, well done for 'taking the plunge' and looking at the debts. You will have a few choices available to you and if you call one of the free debt charities they can work through your budget to try and help you.

One thing I would suggest you are careful of, is debt consolidation loans. It is unlikely you will get a personal loan for £22k so that may mean looking at a secured loan and that always requires a lot of thought. You will pay interest on top of interest (so will repay a lot more overall), and potentially be securing more debt against your home (if you are a homeowner).


Start with your own SOA and post it here, then we can give you some general pointers before you look at your options. Sometimes, people find it easier to talk to their other half if they have a potential solution in mind (based on some reputable and independent advice). Good luck,


Laura
@natdebtline

worriedDan

Hello Fluff Brain

I know it's scary but from my experience, sharing with my wife was a positive experience. You have said that you think he already suspects that you are overspending so he might not be as shocked as you think. My situation was slightly different in the sense that my wife knew that we had some debt, she just didn't know the full extent of it. I didn''t intentionally keep it from her, it just sort of spiralled out of control.

Now that we have discussed it, we are able to start making proper in roads into it. It would have been much harder for me to put a plan of action in place without her being on board.

I know that one rule doesn't fit all, but I would urge you to speak to you husband if possible. I agree with what Nat debtline said about having a plan in place to pay it off. That way you are presenting him with a solution and not just the problem. Good luck

bilbodreams

I ve been there! (only with a slightly higher amount......)
It's awful, I couldn't sleep or enjoy myself, or stop thinking about it which caused me major anxiety issues.
The good news is that it can be solved, the catch is that it requires commitment and a change of lifestyle.
I'd definitely speak to your husband, I know it's hard. I hid my debt and then he found out, he felt deceived, disappointed, cheated, so I'd definitely tell him.
Once you have told him you ll feel relief, I promise, hiding the debts is exhausting.

Before you tell him, do your homework, so find out how much you owe, to whom, interest rates, etc how much you have coming in.....also post a SoA here, you'll get lots of support, speak to Step Change and work out a payment plan
Personally I wouldn't get a loan to cover other debts, most of the people in this site recommend the snow ball method which I think it works because requires a change on spending habits.

itsallabitmuch

Well done for taking the first step and posting here!

You should, firstly, tell your husband. He loves you, and disappointment (if it's there) will ease over time. Keeping this from him will only cause more problems the longer it goes on.

Complete an SoA and post it up here.

I'm not the best, as I'm also new to facing my debt, but there are so many people here that will be able to help you and offer support.

Please, please, please tell your husband - a massive weight will lift from you when you do, and then you can make changes.

I don't know if a DMP is the right choice for you, but I started mine this month and I feel amazing just knowing that I'm facing up to things with the support of my husband.

Keep us posted x

Dobbibill

Fluff_Brain wrote: »

Hi All


I am new here and have just come to terms with how much debt I am actually in :-( (sounds silly I know as it didn't happen overnight).

Hi Fluff_Brain,

Welcome to the forum.

I have now taken the step of adding everything up and it comes to a whopping £22k, I didn't even expect that..


I fully acknowledge that I am totally to blame, and now am eager to take steps to clear this. Because of a poor credit record I cannot get a reasonable loan to consolidate, so this has left me with two choices:

This is really good news - consolidation rarely works - it isn't paying it off, it's just having the same amount of debt owed to somewhere else.

I either contact someone for help (i tried my bank but they couldn't/wouldn't help) do a debt management plan or I fess up to my" ever so careful with his money husband".

Contact one of the debt charities - National Debtline, StepChange etc - make sure it's a debt charity and not a company that charges you a fee for helping you.

We have always had seperate accounts, so he has no idea, although i think he suspects i overspent at Christmas. he has a good job and does pay the majority of all the bills. I just know he must realise something is cracking off, as he is also paying most of the shopping too, as i have too many things to pay off now and no money left.

When you are ready tell him, he probably won't be surprised - you will feel better for it, he will no doubt appreciate the honesty and you'll finally get a good nights sleep.

I feel absolutely sick to the stomach to tell him, but I know he could get a loan at a very good rate to clear it all off, which would be a good solution

This is not such a good idea - again it's only moving the debt. If he takes out a loan, it becomes his debt. If you can save money on interest then maybe but if you do a DMP there's a good chance interest may be frozen anyway. Go down this route with caution - think it through together first.

As said above - post a SOA - you will have plenty of experienced forumites who can find places/way to save money that you never thought of - it really will help

All the best

Mr.Generous

The first step is facing up. Well done.

The next step is recognising why it happened. You need to look at AND CHANGE your spending habits. Getting a loan to consolidate will not solve anything if you continue to live beyond your means. It has been tried many times, the debts just rack up again.

Work out what you are over spending someone elses money on and cut back. Set goals to save for. Good luck.

Bumblebear

I've been in a somewhat similar situation, in that I built up a personal debt without my husband, without his knowledge. He was away on deployment (forces), we were newly wed and I racked up a few grand on a credit card (doesn't sound so bad? It was only 4 months!), as well as depleting small savings pot (on what it was there for, but still). I reckon over half went on doing our house up (a distraction in his absence) and less than half went on me. I kept saying I would stop spending and start paying it off next month, every month, until my car blew up a couple of months after his return. I couldn't work without one, a replacement was urgent, and I had to admit that I didn't have savings to replace it, and I had a balance on my credit card.

I've mentioned all that because, perhaps not unsurprisingly, it seems most of the debt on this board is 'couple debt' - like you I'm married but my debt is very much my fault. You're not alone. Also like you, my husband is almost saintly with money in many ways!

I'd echo the advice of others, find out what you owe, who to, work out what your payments are. Do tell your husband, on your terms, at a suitable time. If you do think he suspects it, then you don't want it coming up in the middle of the food shop etc. You'll find that consolidation loans are frowned upon for a variety of reasons here; there are plenty of other routes to take which will be more constructive in the long run. There are some fantastic resources on these forums as well.

Finally, do look at the reasons why you've overspent in the first place. I've been in credit card debt twice, only now do I realise that ultimately both occasions were for the same reasons.

Fluff_Brain

Thank you to all of you for replying. I really do appreciate it. I will do a SOA and post it as soon as I can. I had another read of my initial post and cringed a bit, it was written when I was in a bit of an emotional state, but read like I was just wanting to offload my debt on to my husband !!


This is most definitely not the case, and reading your comments, you are right.. consolidating is maybe not the best way forward.


I am going to get in touch with a debt charity and get a handle of everything before I come clean.


Thanks again

StepChange_Rachael

Hi

I just came across your post and can see you’ve already got a lot of great help from the forum.

If you'd like further help then at StepChange debt charity we can help you explore your options and support you to find a way forward.

You can find our contact details here.

We also have an online self-help tool called Debt Remedy which is an anonymous way to access our advice and recommendations tailored to you.

Take care
Rachael

Fluff_Brain wrote: »

Hi All


I am new here and have just come to terms with how much debt I am actually in :-( (sounds silly I know as it didn't happen overnight).


I have now taken the step of adding everything up and it comes to a whopping £22k, I didn't even expect that..


I fully acknowledge that I am totally to blame, and now am eager to take steps to clear this. Because of a poor credit record I cannot get a reasonable loan to consolidate, so this has left me with two choices:


I either contact someone for help (i tried my bank but they couldn't/wouldn't help) do a debt management plan or I fess up to my" ever so careful with his money husband".


We have always had seperate accounts, so he has no idea, although i think he suspects i overspent at Christmas. he has a good job and does pay the majority of all the bills. I just know he must realise something is cracking off, as he is also paying most of the shopping too, as i have too many things to pay off now and no money left.


I feel absolutely sick to the stomach to tell him, but I know he could get a loan at a very good rate to clear it all off, which would be a good solution.


Just wondered if anyone else has been in this situation ? Don't get me wrong, he is lovely, but I am sooo scared as I know he will be so disappomted. I guess thought that the debt is still there if he knows about it or not, it's still real and I've finally accepted that..


Any thoughts would be welcome xx

enthusiasticsaver

I think you are right that contacting stepchange is a good first step and posting an soa. Getting a handle on your spending is imperative and do not ask your husband to take out a loan to pay off your debt. This is something you need to solve and have a plan to deal with. Then you can discuss with your husband so he is aware you are living on a tight budget.