In Debt and scared to tell Hubby

armchairexpert

Hi Fluff, and welcome.

In situations where two people share a house and presumably a lot of the expenses, but keep their income separate, I always want to know more about how one of them ran up debt. Was it just silly spending, or do you have a smaller income than your husband but are trying to cover half of the bills?

I ask not to lay blame on your partner, but it's really common for the lower earner to go into debt when they try and keep up with their spouse - splitting expensive purchases, driving a nice car, even just paying half the electricity with someone who doesn't need to turn down the heat! It's worth knowing, because if that's the case, that has to be part of the conversation. It's your debt and your responsibility, but going forward you need to work as a team to make sure you both have the same standard of living without one of you feeling the pinch.

Keep talking, and making a plan, and you'll be fine. There's never a situation that can't be improved on here.

FBaby

My previous partner built up a debt without telling me. When he finally did, I was gutted because most of it was due to unnecessary spending. He worked miles away and a lot of it went of expensive lunches, expensive clothes (he would then tell me it had bought it at a highly reduce rate), but most significantly by going out after work and buying rounds to his colleagues and friends whilst telling me the train was yet again delayed. All this whilst I was even avoiding a trip to the hairdresser sooner than every 6 months so not to get into debt.

Still despite all this I chose to believe his promises, that he was going to change, stop spending unnecessary. He even suggested transferring his pay to my account and only give him cash pocket money, but I refused this suggestion because I wanted a partner who could be financially responsible, not to treat him like I would a child.

Unfortunately, he didn't stick to his good intentions and after a few months, when things were better between us, he started secretly spending and complaining that I was a nag when I challenged him. It is at this point that our relationship was over.

So my advice is although telling him will feel that the biggest hurdle is passed, it really is how you show your husband that you are in control of the issue and sticking to your good intentions afterwards that will matter most. Make sure you tell him when you know you can make that change afterwards and stick to it. If he can see the debt going down through changes you make yourself, he will likely get over the disappointment, if any.

nkkingston

armchairexpert wrote: »

Hi Fluff, and welcome.

In situations where two people share a house and presumably a lot of the expenses, but keep their income separate, I always want to know more about how one of them ran up debt. Was it just silly spending, or do you have a smaller income than your husband but are trying to cover half of the bills?

I ask not to lay blame on your partner, but it's really common for the lower earner to go into debt when they try and keep up with their spouse - splitting expensive purchases, driving a nice car, even just paying half the electricity with someone who doesn't need to turn down the heat! It's worth knowing, because if that's the case, that has to be part of the conversation. It's your debt and your responsibility, but going forward you need to work as a team to make sure you both have the same standard of living without one of you feeling the pinch.

Keep talking, and making a plan, and you'll be fine. There's never a situation that can't be improved on here.

This is very true. You need to be honest with yourself about how much of this is your debt and how much is household debt. Is it all expensive lunches at work and fancy clothes, or is it name brand food in the grocery shop and a new sofa that was slightly over budget? Is this debt you've both benefitted from?

My usual recommendation for telling at partner is to make sure you've both eaten beforehand (don't be hangry!), choose a neutral space (not your bedroom or a space that's wholly yours or his like a home office), and think about the best communication methods for you both. That might be handing him a letter to read and digest, or emailing him while you're out of the house so you can have a discussion with space to think before you hit send, or a face to face conversation so he can see the emotion on your face. Make a plan to deal with the debt first, so he can see you haven't got your head in the sand any longer. Once the secret is out in the open, ten to one he'll be relieved it wasn't something worse you were hiding from him!

LIN02

I have been in the same situation and owned up , awful but a relief , husband felt cheated and it did have an impact on our 20 year marriage , now in a debt management plan , i wish i had found this website before as maybe i could have chosen a different route, but anyway with Payplan who i dont think i pay any commission to !
You need to go with what you feel is right in your situation, but i agree with some of the other posts coming clean does ease the pressure

annandale

The op said that her husband paid the majority of the bills.

missbluetack

Hi I'm new to here and have just done exactly what you said and worked out my debts which come to £16,000 I feel sick and don't know how to tell my partner, I've had debts before and he said if I got in trouble again he would leave me because there would be no trust not sure what to do could do a debt plan and pay it off on the quiet but I'm sick of not being truthful

MrsLWW

Hi fluffbrain, how did you get on?

Missbluetack, you might be better starting your own thread and found an SOA (statement of affairs) and i guarantee lots of people will want to help you through it.

L

Fireflyaway

I generally think honesty is best but if its going to badly impact your marriage or damage trust forever or make your husband ill ( only you know this) others might disagree, but I'd be tempted to keep it quiet.
As others said it is really really crucial to work out why this happened. If you genuinely don't have enough money then you need to speak up. You need to ensure it doesn't happen again.
Are the debts with multiple creditors? I went to payplan who were very helpful and helped me set up a plan. I was adamant I didn't want to give details of my husbands income as I accrued the debt before I met him. Being on a plan can impact your credit file though so if you apply for anything jointly your husband could be impacted too. You will get over this though. I still have loads of debt but it doesn't impact me day to day now my plan is set up it takes care of itself slowly but surely.