Your views please! Re who really ruins a relationship?

kadison

A post on a selling group prompts me to ask this.....if the man of a married couple sleeps with another woman, would you agree it was him that 'ruined their marriage' and not the other woman?

I always think outside people can only ruin a relationship if they're allowed to, yet this woman gets all the blame and the man gets none. I should point out that I don't know any of the people involved so I don't know any finer points, I just wondered if anyone shared my view?

Ozzuk

Seems a pointless debate as the end result is the same, marriage ruined.

MPD

It's easier to blame someone that you have no emotional attachment to.

The unfaithful partner is the one who has broken the trust and no matter what they may say they have shown their true feelings for the relationship.

krlyr

To me, it would always be the unfaithful partner that had wronged me. Even if the 'other woman' had maliciously set out to seduce him, had offered herself on a plate, etc. he is the one who has made a promise to me, he would be the one who would have made that decision to cheat on me. No one would have forced him to accept her offer, it would be his choice.

AylesburyDuck

I'd say its not always that clear cut as one or the other, both to blame, and maybe the wife of the cheater drove him to it, who's to know, you cant see inside someones marriage.

GDB2222

krlyr wrote: »

To me, it would always be the unfaithful partner that had wronged me. Even if the 'other woman' had maliciously set out to seduce him, had offered herself on a plate, etc. he is the one who has made a promise to me, he would be the one who would have made that decision to cheat on me. No one would have forced him to accept her offer, it would be his choice.

I would not be too judgemental. Perhaps, he was just weak, as you say, or perhaps he was unhappy in the marriage anyway. The divorce law in this country has long ago stopped apportioning blame.

balletshoes

kadison wrote: »

A post on a selling group prompts me to ask this.....if the man of a married couple sleeps with another woman, would you agree it was him that 'ruined their marriage' and not the other woman?

I always think outside people can only ruin a relationship if they're allowed to, yet this woman gets all the blame and the man gets none. I should point out that I don't know any of the people involved so I don't know any finer points, I just wondered if anyone shared my view?

in your scenario OP, my starting point is always going to be "he's the one to blame" ie he is the one in the marriage, he is the one who is supposed to respect his spouse, he is the one who is supposed to take his spouse's feelings into account when he decides to do what he does. The "other woman" doesn't have that same loyalty and same connection to the married woman (unless she's her best friend! - in which case they are jointly to blame).

So to answer the question - out of the cheating spouse and the "other woman" who's to blame? The cheating spouse.

balletshoes

krlyr wrote: »

To me, it would always be the unfaithful partner that had wronged me. Even if the 'other woman' had maliciously set out to seduce him, had offered herself on a plate, etc. he is the one who has made a promise to me, he would be the one who would have made that decision to cheat on me. No one would have forced him to accept her offer, it would be his choice.

this in a nutshell - krlyr has explained my position much better than I did!

tensandunits_2

kadison wrote: »

A post on a selling group prompts me to ask this.....if the man of a married couple sleeps with another woman, would you agree it was him that 'ruined their marriage' and not the other woman?

I would say they both need to control their loins. It takes 2 to tango.

System

i dont blame the woman who my ex had an affair with. I blame him. I will always blame him.

trailingspouse

It takes three people - the person who plays away, the person they play with, and the one left behind who never realised there was anything wrong with the relationship until it was too late.

If you're in a good relationship, you won't be tempted - so I think everyone involved bears some level of 'blame' - or alternatively, we can all accept that we're only human and sometimes relationships just don't work out.