Your views please! Re who really ruins a relationship?

gettingtheresometime

tensandunits wrote: »

Legally or morally?

I'll answer it for you.....it's both.

OldMotherTucker

Gavin83 wrote: »

I think that's a far too simplistic way of looking at it and not always true. I know people who have been perfectly happy in their relationship and cheated anyway simply because the opportunity presented itself. Sure some will cheat because they aren't happy but some will cheat simply for the excitement of it all.



I'm not really sure how you can be angry with those who didn't tell you but when put in their shoes you don't say anything either. Surely either you should appreciate the situation they were in and therefore not be angry with them or alternatively tell her. Is it not a bit hypocritical otherwise?

I'm angry that they accepted an invitation to a wedding which they knew to be a farce, that they sat in Church, listened to our vows and joined in the celebration afterwards!

indiepanda

I think when people want to blame the "other woman / man" rather than the cheating spouse it might be because they don't want to end their relationship with their spouse and so it's easier to be angry at the person they cheated with rather than the cheater. Not convinced that level of denial is helpful long run but I can see how it might appeal.

I had one boyfriend who I think had lined up / overlapped my replacement before finishing with me and it didn't really occur to me to be angry at her - but then I only found out about her months after we'd finished and I was quite relieved we had split with the benefit of hindsight.

I wouldn't knowingly get involved with someone who was married, but not just for moral reasons - but because it's liable to end in tears and it's likely those tears will be mine. I had a fling with a friend who had a long distance girlfriend decades ago (although I didn't know the first time we got together he wasn't single.) and I just wound up getting hurt.

So far I've never cheated on a partner and I hope I never will. I like my life simple and having to live some sort of double life doesn't sound exciting, it sounds stressful.

Mind you, I found it stressful enough being the only one who knew when I knew a friend was having an affair even though I didn't really like her husband. He wasn't doing much to help the relationship though - she wanted to go for counselling, he refused, he wanted to start a family, but also wanted to spend every weekend getting drunk and / or high as a kite, so hardly ready for parenthood. So was she as the cheater the only person who "ruined the relationship"? No, I think he was doing a pretty good job of it too. He never found out about the affair anyway - they divorced and she moved away and didn't officially get together with the chap she had the affair with till some time after the divorce. I still felt the affair was wrong, but I think the marriage would have ended without it - she admitted she knew she was marrying the wrong guy on the day of the wedding and didn't know the guy she left him for at that point.

System

I think its an equal split. Was with my ex The other woman knew about me and still carried on but ex was a !!!! and instigated it, as guilty as each other IMO. (Though he obviously got the brunt of the fallout :rotfl: )

Though he cheated on her whilst she was pregnant so i think karma worked itself out there.

FBaby

People always look for their own interests first, that's just the way it is. When someone within a relationship experiences issues within it, tries to look for solutions and encourages the other to engage in finding them, but hit a wall and unwillingness to make changes, resulting in growing more and more frustrated and resentful, they consider their partner to be selfish for making them fell this way.

At this stage of the marriage, which is often when they start to consider ending it, they don't care about becoming selfish themselves and consider that they need to look at their own interest. If that means assuring transition to another happier relationship, and therefore engaging in cheating, then they don't care anymore that they will be hurting that other person.

Who is in the wrong in that case? Most likely both parties. As for the one who is party to it? Same thing, they too are looking at their own interests above their principles.

Fireflyaway

Both. If one is married and the other knows they are married, in my view they are equally bad. You could say it was the married one who made all the promises etc but without the other man/ woman being involved, the cheating wouldn't be possible. I don't get how a woman can sleep with a married man knowing the hurt that could be caused to another woman and even worse the kids. Such a nasty quality would put me off wanting to be with someone like that.

Kim_kim

I honestly don't get people blaming the other woman. She is a stranger & had no loyalty nor made no promises to the wife.
The man is the only one betraying the marital trust, the only person breaking a promise.
I think people blame the woman when they want to stay with the man & it's easier to aportion blame to the woman.....

Pollycat

Fireflyaway wrote: »

Both. If one is married and the other knows they are married, in my view they are equally bad. You could say it was the married one who made all the promises etc but without the other man/ woman being involved, the cheating wouldn't be possible. I don't get how a woman can sleep with a married man knowing the hurt that could be caused to another woman and even worse the kids. Such a nasty quality would put me off wanting to be with someone like that.

I don't get how a married man can sleep with another women, knowing the hurt it would cause to his own wife - the person he made his vows to.

And of course, the genders can be reversed.

FBaby

I don't get how a married man can sleep with another women, knowing the hurt it would cause to his own wife - the person he made his vows to.

Because sometimes, the person cheating are themselves already dealing with the pain their spouse is causing them, it is just not as obvious. Of course doesn't make cheating right in anyway, but sometimes the cheated on has been acting wrongly too, in other ways.

Pollycat

FBaby wrote: »

Because sometimes, the person cheating are themselves already dealing with the pain their spouse is causing them, it is just not as obvious. Of course doesn't make cheating right in anyway, but sometimes the cheated on has been acting wrongly too, in other ways.

I was voicing the alternative perspective to this post:

Fireflyaway wrote: »

Both. If one is married and the other knows they are married, in my view they are equally bad. You could say it was the married one who made all the promises etc but without the other man/ woman being involved, the cheating wouldn't be possible. I don't get how a woman can sleep with a married man knowing the hurt that could be caused to another woman and even worse the kids. Such a nasty quality would put me off wanting to be with someone like that.

Sometimes the 'cheated on' hasn't been acting wrongly at all.

My view is it is the married person at fault.