Your views please! Re who really ruins a relationship?

System

It's quite common amongst married men in the contract community apparently.

Pollycat

selement wrote: »

I think some people would prefer to blame the other person rather than the unfaithful partner, but to me the unfaithful partner is the one on the wrong.

I think it's human nature for the person cheated on to blame 'the other person' but in my book, it's the person they are married to/partner to who is to blame.
As already stated, if you have an issue within your marriage, sort it out or get out before starting another relationship.

Pollycat

trailingspouse wrote: »

It takes three people - the person who plays away, the person they play with, and the one left behind who never realised there was anything wrong with the relationship until it was too late.

If you're in a good relationship, you won't be tempted - so I think everyone involved bears some level of 'blame' - or alternatively, we can all accept that we're only human and sometimes relationships just don't work out.

My ex conducted an 18 month old affair with a work colleague half his age and I knew nothing and suspected nothing.
There were no indications that anything was wrong with our marriage.
I most certainly wasn't one of the parties at fault.

-taff

Unless she was some kind of mind control siren, it's hard to see how he can't have chosen to go there.

It's easier for some people to do that than sort out their current relationship problems.

justme111

Question is wrongly worded. Every relationship gets ruined for it's own reasons and usually both people are responsible. Infidelity is a different matter and relationships don't get ruined because of infidelity and they don't have to. It just brings to a head often that the relationship is ruined.

trailingspouse

Interesting that we talk of 'the other woman' but never 'the other man' - although kudos to previous posters who have mentioned 'the other person'. Yes, men have affairs with married women. Married people have affairs with other married people.

And I think simplifying it to some sort of tabloid 'temptress seduces married man' level is unfair to all parties involved. There are three sides to every story.

NBLondon

Pollycat wrote: »

My ex conducted an 18 month old affair with a work colleague half his age and I knew nothing and suspected nothing.
There were no indications that anything was wrong with our marriage.
I most certainly wasn't one of the parties at fault.

This kind of suggests that it does vary from case to case.... The cheating spouse is always in the wrong - simply because they were the one who broke a solemn promise (OK there are cases where the promise wasn't there but that's a different issue...) If they say they were driven to it by the cheated-on spouse or overly tempted by "the other person" then that's a sign that they were a weak (sometomes vulnerable?) person in not dealing with the issues or resisting the temptation. So maybe you could say that it's sometimes 100% the cheater's fault and sometimes a combination of factors could make it 80%, 10% and 10%. But not really any further than that.

GDB2222

Judi wrote: »

i dont blame the woman who my ex had an affair with. I blame him. I will always blame him.

I hear your anger, but that's a very negative way of looking at it, and it's not going to help you move on.

AylesburyDuck

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

It's still his decision, whatever the situation. Get out of one relationship before starting another.

While i understand what you're saying, i dont think the world is always quite so black and white.

catkins

Kim_kim wrote: »

The other woman is not to blame - she made no vows.
The blame is within the marriage.

No, but if she knew the man was married she should not have got involved. Obviously it's different if she honestly did not know he was married.

Pollycat wrote: »

I think it's human nature for the person cheated on to blame 'the other person' but in my book, it's the person they are married to/partner to who is to blame.
As already stated, if you have an issue within your marriage, sort it out or get out before starting another relationship.

If my OH cheated on me I would blame him but I would also be angry with the other woman unless I truly believed that she did not know he was married.