Your views please! Re who really ruins a relationship?

Guest101

tensandunits wrote: »

I'm sorry if you feel that discussing a topic is pushing my views on people. In a discussion, everyone will put their own viewpoint across. Not everyone will say the same thing, - it'd be a boring old debate if we did.

I note the question wasn't answered.

The point is others are providing a backing statement to their positions.


EG Its the other person because of X, Y or Z.


You are making comments which have no such statement. e.g. 'legally or morally?'


Whereas you could say:


I think the legal position is x, but morally I believe Y.

POPPYOSCAR

tensandunits wrote: »

I'm sorry if you feel that discussing a topic is pushing my views on people. In a discussion, everyone will put their own viewpoint across. Not everyone will say the same thing, - it'd be a boring old debate if we did.

I note the question wasn't answered.

The question was not answered by me because I have only just caught up with this thread(I do have a life other than MSE!).

As Guest has said it is getting stale and going round in circles.

For the record I do not condemn anyone without knowing the circumstances.

For example my mother was horrible to my father and I would have completely understood if he had an affair and found some solace away from home.

tensandunits_2

Sorry, I wasn't getting at you POPPYOSCAR, I was just replying to the person who seems to like to critique my posting style. Fwiw I think their own leaves much to be desired, but still..

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

I think its an equal split. Was with my ex The other woman knew about me and still carried on but ex was a !!!! and instigated it, as guilty as each other IMO. (Though he obviously got the brunt of the fallout :rotfl: )

Though he cheated on her whilst she was pregnant so i think karma worked itself out there.

You know the old saying - when a man marries his mistress she creates a vacancy.

(Not that people bother getting married now, but the sentiment behind it us still true..)

FBaby

Each scenario is different because it involves three people with different principles, different experiences, different feelings, different circumstances.

Unfortunately, experiences of cheating is quite common around me (mainly in my family!), and looking at each, I can think of each cases when one is more in the wrong than the two others.

I think there are many combinations:
50% wrong by the cheating spouse
40% wrong by the one cheating with the spouse
10% wrong by the person cheated on.

Then it can be 80/10/10, or 60/0/40, or 70/30/0 etc....

System

tensandunits wrote: »

You know the old saying - when a man marries his mistress she creates a vacancy...

Ouch! Harsh words! Surely that only applies if she's dragged him up the aisle kicking and screaming.

I do happen to think, once a flirt, always a flirt.

catkins

Pollycat wrote: »

HE was the one who said the vows, not her.

HE knew he was married.

Yes and, in my view, the married person is totally in the wrong but what kind of person knowingly sleeps with someone who is married?

Anyone with any morals would steer well clear of someone they knew was married

Kim_kim wrote: »

I honestly don't get people blaming the other woman. She is a stranger & had no loyalty nor made no promises to the wife.
The man is the only one betraying the marital trust, the only person breaking a promise.
I think people blame the woman when they want to stay with the man & it's easier to aportion blame to the woman.....

The other woman (or man) surely has to take at least a small part of the blame if they knew the person was married?

Pollycat

catkins wrote: »

Yes and, in my view, the married person is totally in the wrong but what kind of person knowingly sleeps with someone who is married?

Anyone with any morals would steer well clear of someone they knew was married

Turning it on its head:
What kind of person who is in a marriage sleeps with someone else? Of course they are doing it knowingly.
Surely any person who was married would steer clear of someone with loose morals?

catkins

Pollycat wrote: »

Turning it on its head:
What kind of person who is in a marriage sleeps with someone else? Of course they are doing it knowingly.
Surely any person who was married would steer clear of someone with loose morals?

I cannot convey in words what I feel about someone who is married being unfaithful. It is totally and utterly wrong. It is an insult to their wife/husband and shows total lack of respect.

I believe if you love and respect someone you would never be unfaithful to them. If you don't love and respect them then do the decent thing and end the marriage/relationship before embarking on a new one.

A married person should be steering clear of sleeping with anyone other than their partner but sadly many married people do not seem to have love and respect for their other half let alone any morals.

It is still wrong that someone would considering sleeping with a person who they know is married

Kim_kim

catkins wrote: »

The other woman (or man) surely has to take at least a small part of the blame if they knew the person was married?

The other woman (or man) has no more obligation to the injured party than any other person.
Unless the party being cheated on is a friend or relation of the other woman (or man).

Robisere

Although I am 72 now, I remember my 2 brothers, both much older than me, and the separate ways they were unfaithful. Eldest brother (passed in 1988) had a reputation for this, but it really only came down to one 'other woman'. I loved my big bro, but I also loved my SIL as a big sister, because that is how she treated me. It caused increasingly worse arguments between big bro and me as I grew up. Middle brother (now late 80's) was also critical of big bro's infidelity, which lasted just under 2 years, after which big bro never strayed again. My lovely SIL forgave him and they seemed to recover from this, eventually having a good marriage. He was heartbroken when she died suddenly, well before him.

Then I discovered from one of my nieces, that her dad, middle bro, had been seeing another woman for many years. After all the criticism of our older brother, the hypocracy of this drove me to face him with it. During a discussion with my dad about all of this, I discovered that my mother had actually left my dad many years ago, when big bro was a baby. She had gone to another man in another county and was living with him and his wife! She came back pregnant and dad took her back, after making her stay with friends for a while. Dad brought up middle bro as his and no one else knew that his middle son was actually another man's son. He swore me to silence but over the years I do not know how I stopped myself from blurting this out to middle bro, who was a really sanctimonious, self-obsessed guy, never practicing what he preached. (Still the same now!)

As a result of all this, I swore that I would never go with another man's wife and, if I entered a relationship, I would never be unfaithful: when I met my first missus, I stuck to that through 2 children. Then I found out what it's like to have an unfaithful partner. I wound up leaving my family behind in another country and I have never seen them since, because I knew that if I stayed, I would probably have done something terrible, which would have hurt the kids more than me leaving.

It took me a long time to find someone else I could trust enough and love enough, to marry. But years ago, I found someone who has given me another family and practically saved my life.

The above stories, all true, illustrate what happens to people when a partner of either gender decides that the grass is greener somewhere else. Unfaithfullness in a partner always affects more than the 3 people directly affected. Many times in my life I have been offered a 'good time' with someone else's wife or partner and every time I walked away. There were male friends who knew about this and all but 2 thought me an idiot. I count those 2 as my best mates, although one is now dead. Speculation about blame is all very well, but no one stops to think about collateral damage.