Potential dispute over car not mentioned in father's will

Savvy_Sue

BobRoberts wrote: »

Actually, I think there may well be the beginnings of a question over her capacity.

Suppose her decision was to give money to some scammers - would the same argument stack up? That her decision to give the money to scammers made no sense to me, but I should respect her decision to do so, and live with those consequences?

The definition of 'capacity' probably gives people a lot more autonomy than you seem to be comfortable with. And while you may wish to try and talk her out of decisions you think unwise, what do you THINK you can do beyond that?

If you think she is being scammed, you might find the Elder Abuse website useful. But so far nothing you've said has indicated that.

Another thing worth thinking about is whether she thinks you're telling her to do X, Y or Z, and she's obstinate enough to do nothing that's not her own idea. Telling my late mother to do something was the best way of making sure she either didn't do it, or did the opposite. If she ASKED what she should do, we could make suggestions, but saying "what you need to do is ..." never went down well.

Yorkshireman99

What I know is what you have said about yourself. If you have not explained the facts accurately then you have nobody but yourself to blame. Based on what you have said I stand by what I have said. IMHO you have behaved in a selfish and shameful way.

getmore4less

BobRoberts wrote: »

Actually, I think there may well be the beginnings of a question over her capacity.

Suppose her decision was to give money to some scammers - would the same argument stack up? That her decision to give the money to scammers made no sense to me, but I should respect her decision to do so, and live with those consequences?

What like someone trying to scam her of a car she owns?

BobRoberts

Yorkshireman99 wrote: »

What I know is what you have said about yourself. If you have not explained the facts accurately then you have nobody but yourself to blame. Based on what you have said I stand by what I have said. IMHO you have behaved in a selfish and shameful way.

getmore4less wrote: »

What like someone trying to scam her of a car she owns?

Yes, you could put it like that. If you completely ignore practicality, common sense, and my Father's wishes. it also seems odd that close friends of the family, and my Father's social care worker would have encouraged me to act in such a selfish and shameful way.

I mean, for goodness sake, its not as though I've hired a lawyer to challenge the will to try to get my paws on some money - I have viewed this whole thing from a standpoint of common sense and practicality.

BobRoberts

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

The definition of 'capacity' probably gives people a lot more autonomy than you seem to be comfortable with. And while you may wish to try and talk her out of decisions you think unwise, what do you THINK you can do beyond that?

If you think she is being scammed, you might find the Elder Abuse website useful. But so far nothing you've said has indicated that.

Another thing worth thinking about is whether she thinks you're telling her to do X, Y or Z, and she's obstinate enough to do nothing that's not her own idea. Telling my late mother to do something was the best way of making sure she either didn't do it, or did the opposite. If she ASKED what she should do, we could make suggestions, but saying "what you need to do is ..." never went down well.

I don't know - I could perhaps arrange to have her phone number changed so that the scammers could no contact her. Would that be acceptable? The point I am trying to make is to counter this suggestion that one should only look out for a parent, so long as they have nothing to gain from it.

moneyistooshorttomention

You've still not got the point of what everyone is saying - ie it's HER car and not yours.

It doesnt matter whether her decision to keep it is rational or no. We are all basically entitled to keep our possessions (no matter how irrational it might seem to someone else).

The point about "telling her what to do" is rather coming over as well. Most of us have to spend many years accepting "being told what to do" as best we can (sometimes through very gritted teeth) because of the necessity to do things like hold down a job in order to keep the income coming in and so forth. Hence reaching retirement age imo brings heaving a huge sigh of relief that no-one will ever again even try and tell us what to do - and if they do = they are "living very dangerously" (as we know that no-one is entitled to order us around any longer ever) and we are very likely to turn on them and tell them where to get off.

Being in that agegroup brings total freedom at last to always make all our own decisions - even if they are irrational in other peoples eyes.

troubleinparadise

Looking out for a parent is a good thing, of course it is; but it's knowing when to stop, what the boundaries are and allowing someone else autonomy... that can be difficult; but who asked you to be in charge? That's something I have to ask myself, and now equally have to assert myself with my adult children when they question my decisions!

moneyistooshorttomention

troubleinparadise wrote: »

Looking out for a parent is a good thing, of course it is; but it's knowing when to stop, what the boundaries are and allowing someone else autonomy... that can be difficult; but who asked you to be in charge? That's something I have to ask myself, and now equally have to assert myself with my adult children when they question my decisions!

I think I've just seen an advantage to not having children:rotfl:. If one wants to spend all one's money on champagne and wear purple - there's no-one that will try and stop us:D

poppystar

Just to clarify an earlier post .. she is still running a B&B?

Surely then she has a fair amount of capacity and ability to make decisions?

I do sympathise with the narcissistic parent problems but doing something that is not strictly legal actually gives her the moral high ground - a joy for the narcissist, to be a victim and also in the right.

Give the car back, please, for your own sanity as well as to do the right thing. You need to think up a strategy to deal with the situation in the future, something that works for you and your OH. At the moment the car is muddying the waters. Step back.

Savvy_Sue

BobRoberts wrote: »

I don't know - I could perhaps arrange to have her phone number changed so that the scammers could no contact her. Would that be acceptable?

Not if you did it without her permission or against her wishes. Sorry, but actually you'd have a certain amount of difficulty doing so without her agreement.

BobRoberts wrote: »

The point I am trying to make is to counter this suggestion that one should only look out for a parent, so long as they have nothing to gain from it.

I don't think anyone is suggesting that you should NOT 'look out for' a parent. But there is a huge difference between 'looking out for' and 'making decisions for', because YOU don't think she is making rational decisions.