Potential dispute over car not mentioned in father's will

BobRoberts

Another genuine concern is that people have started to keep their distance because she has been rude to them, or has a reputation for being rude.

It was interesting talking to the social worker last summer and hearing the different stories she'd been spinning various people.

For example, she made out she never left the house to the GP, who passed that on to the social worker. Who then found it odd that he kept having to leave messages. He went down to the house one day, just as she was being dropped off all smiles and joking about how she was out quite a lot.

I'm some senses she seems a bit like she's losing it, but she can turn the charm off and on like a tap, suggesting she's actually pretty manipulative.

For example, when myself and my wife visit, she always had a knack of laying into me when it was just the two of us alone, but nice as pie otherwise.

It was interesting the last time we were both there before my Dad died, her abusive side came out at the dinner table. I was like "welcome to my world" to my wife and my Dad. (My wife did a great job of sticking up for me.)

Savvy_Sue

BobRoberts wrote: »

Unfortunately I don't live close enough Sue.

<snip>

Honestly - her irrational negativity is truly something.

You don't think she could adopt my line of reasoning? Really, you're not trying hard enough ...

Yes, it takes two days there and two days back. Which is why you should move up there, or move her down to near you. Then HER car would be near you, and you could use it for HER convenience.

Note: I am not advocating this. I'm on your side. I just think I can see where her thought processes would go. I have some experience of this - not as much as yours, but there is no logic!!!

BobRoberts

Oh, I have no doubt that in her mind I'm a bad son for not doing either of those things - she's been making that clear for at least the last ten years.

Which means for at least that long we've been falling out over it, when I try to explain that we're not prepared to move to the Western Isles, and unable to buy them, or now just her, a property down here. (And no - there is no way on earth she could live with us. We'd have all murdered each other within a month.)

There are only so many times I can explain these things, yet she still goes on about it, as though she's just thought of it, or for some reason she'll get a different response this week.

So whilst that might be some sort of rational years ago, having had it explained to her as infinitum over a period of years, you'd think she might have dropped it by now.

Yorkshireman99

You have made it very clear that there is no possibility of a amicable conclusion. Unless you deal with it then nothing will be resolved and it will just cause you more grief. Pouring out your feelings on here willl not make the problem go away. The solution is in your hands alone.

Savvy_Sue

I think once you've got the point where rationality doesn't work, you stop trying to explain, or justify. Cracked record. "We've been through this Mum, I'm not going through it again. Did you get to church this week?"

My own mother was very 'difficult'. She improved after Dad died: he'd spent years smoothing things over for her, and I think it dawned on her that without him, she needed to remain on reasonable terms with me - for some reason, I usually caught the backlash of any issues. Whether yours will reach this stage is, at best, debatable from what you've said. You can't change her, you can change how you respond to her, and atm you are still trying to please her. I'd give that up now ...

Malthusian

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

Whether yours will reach this stage is, at best, debatable from what you've said.

Downright impossible for as long as the OP keeps simultaneously indulging her and manufacturing dramas for her to get angry about (e.g. by taking her property without her permission).

BobRoberts wrote:

There are only so many times I can explain these things, yet she still goes on about it, as though she's just thought of it, or for some reason she'll get a different response this week.

The question is not why she still keeps going on about it but why you are still willing to discuss it with her. It takes two to tango.

paddy's_mum

If she is smart enough to work all this out, then she is also smart enough to understand when you say to her "Mum, I am not discussing this with you again and if you start, I shall leave". And do so!

But, in the interval, return the car - the simple way to remove one point of disagreement.

Polmop

Why don't you go on confuseddotcom or another one of those websites and put her details in as the owner and get an insurance quote in her name, then give her a list of all the different costs associated with her being the owner of the car

pelirocco

I dont understand why YOU are making such a big deal out of it , Shes 80 years old , she has lost her husband ,and you are ranting on her saying how unreasonable she is being . The older you get the less you can cope with change , and losing your husband is a pretty big change , Taking the car away from her ( or anything tbh ) could easily have caused her more distress . The fact that she cant drive is neither here nor there , its her property to do with as she wishes .You really aren't coming across as a very nice person .....they say the apple doesnt fall from the tree ( as no doubt you will come back with some other complant about your mother )

happyandcontented

My guess is that you are quite alike in terms of being stubborn which is why you clash.

I am sure your mother is all you say and more, but from her perspective you have something that would facilitate you visiting more but you don't. She won't see the immense distances/time off etc, she just sees the fact that you have a car but are not using it to benefit her in any way.

From your perspective she is unreasonable and has always been so. That being the case these traits are now compounded by grief, loneliness and old age, which are not pleasant indivdually, but collectively are very difficult to cope with.

Aside from using the car is there a sentimental attachment to it from your side? Or from her side?

For my own peace of mind I would simply return the car to her and let her deal with it how she sees fit. My guess is she will tell you to take it back after a few weeks/months of it just standing there. However, that is her decision to make and she needs to be allowed to make it.

Going forward sheltered housing is the probably best bet, she will have company and staff on hand. If the house can't be sold, persuade her to rent it out short term to see if she likes SH. If you don't facilitiate a move now it will be worse when infirmity comes along and you have to sort out care.

I am assuming that you are an only child? However, you do mention other relatives close by so enlist their help to persuade her to see the benefits of moving into a ready made community sooner rather than later.

Don't underestimate her loss though, it is something that none of us know the depth of until we have it happen to us or we really consider what it would be like to have it happen, rather than just thinking about it superficially.