Should I stay or should I leave?

Guest101

Tuesday_Tenor wrote: »

In the whole difficult scenario for both of you, this is the one thing that REALLY needs to be addressed. It's totally unreasonable for him not to be able to look after the 2 children for an hour or so. It might be essential occasionally: you could have a healthcare appointment for an investigation where you CAN'T take the children along. It would be reasonable for him to do it regularly once a week, as it would really help your feeling of being completely trapped. Because you are trapped, and he does have the freedom to get out with his mates. If he's not confident to do it on his own and has to have his mother or someone else there to start with, then so be it; it's a start ...

Forget about the chores and other stuff for the moment. Increase his confidence and enjoyment of being with the children, and get your small breaks of freedom. Even this small step will make thing feel much more balanced.

I think it can happen where dads do everything 'wrong' and this totally destroys their ability to look after young children

justme111

Tuesday_Tenor wrote: »

Forget about the chores and other stuff for the moment. Increase his confidence and enjoyment of being with the children, and get your small breaks of freedom. Even this small step will make thing feel much more balanced.

Agree. Moreover, I feel if those small steps were taken it would be all that is needed.

Loz01

Good lord. Why on earth are you with someone who is an overgrown man child??? He can't look after his OWN KIDS for more than 20 mins? !!!!!!? It's like you're a glutton for punishment OP - you're knackered looking after a toddler and a baby and then you have one BIG baby in a man who refuses to do anything. Surely single parenthood would be easier than this wouldn't it? I'm not saying throw the towel in at the first sign of trouble but he sounds so selfish and uncaring!! Do you want to live with that for the next 50+ years of your life?? I wouldn't. Sounds like he needs a rocket up his backside to be honest. Props to you for not ending the relationship already.

ALIBOBSY

If I needed to go out whilst breastfeeding I used to feed and change before I set off, you should get 2-3 hrs and as long as OH can pick the baby up and nurse them the baby won't get too worked up before you get back.

We have 4 children eldest 18 youngest 6 and I breastfed for quite long periods, 2 for the first 3 for the second and the last 2 till school age (including tandem feeding a baby and toddler). It is tiring and its very easy to get wrapped up with the babies and not find time for each other. This is not about paying attention to your partner its keeping your relationship going.

Many men have never even held a baby until they become a Dad and at first especially whilst breastfeeding it can be all about Mum and Dad's feel left out. But things will get better as the children get older and most men find they can deal better with an older child.

I would give it some time, stay calm and see how things go. Try to find time to be together as a couple, not just arguing and resenting each other.

Good luck

Ali x

ravernoloo

Well after a week of what seemed like he was trying, it's all kicked off again today. His parents came over and he was sitting there quiet as anything. So when they left I said "how come you're so quiet?" He snaps back "am I not allowed to be quiet then?" So I just said I didn't say that I was just asking if anything was wrong. He then starts going off saying I'm starting on him etc. It then went onto me asking when I get a break? His reply "you're a mum you chose to have children" to which is aid yes and you are a dad. Then starts saying I am always making out he does nothing so I just said well it wasn't a nice response when I ask when do I get a break you say "you're a mum" what kind of thing is that to say? I just feel so upset right now. He's stormed out again leaving me with the 2 children to cook the dinner. I honestly don't see any future here anymore. He clearly doesn't want to be with me and the children.
His parents are going on holiday abroad and asked him if he wanted to go. I said well if you want to (I won't go abroad this year as don't feel comfortable breastfeeding abroad etc) he then said he would take the toddler so I get a break. I sternly said no incase something happened I would be worrying. Which is where the "when's my break" argument came from. I said it's not very fair he swans abroad for a nice holiday with the easy to look after toddler whilst I'm stuck at home with the baby. We have a UK holiday booked anyway so we are still going away. I think it's selfish he is even considering going away with his parents and leaving me with the children. I wouldn't dream of doing that at all!
Am.I being unreasonable? I just don't think there is anyway getting through to him! He seems so aggressive whenever he responds to me, even if I am simply asking what's wrong I get my head bitten off.

Loz01

No you're not unreasonable - exactly like you said, what if YOU agreed to go on hols with your parents and told him to stay home and look after the kids on his own? He'd act like the world was ending. He clearly has little to no interest in the relationship or being a Dad it seems. Its sad for you and the kids but it would be even worse to bring them up in an environment like that... where you're walking on eggshells. You only get one life, why should he make you feel like that?

tensandunits_2

If it's not an outspoken question.. were the children something you both agreed to and planned, or were they your idea / something that "just happened" ?

lika_86

ravernoloo wrote: »

His parents are going on holiday abroad and asked him if he wanted to go. I said well if you want to (I won't go abroad this year as don't feel comfortable breastfeeding abroad etc) he then said he would take the toddler so I get a break. I sternly said no incase something happened I would be worrying. Which is where the "when's my break" argument came from. I said it's not very fair he swans abroad for a nice holiday with the easy to look after toddler whilst I'm stuck at home with the baby. We have a UK holiday booked anyway so we are still going away. I think it's selfish he is even considering going away with his parents and leaving me with the children. I wouldn't dream of doing that at all!
Am.I being unreasonable? I just don't think there is anyway getting through to him! He seems so aggressive whenever he responds to me, even if I am simply asking what's wrong I get my head bitten off.

So, you said your husband could go if he wanted to, he offered to take the child he could take (as you've said you won't go because of breastfeeding? Which means he couldn't take the younger one if he wanted to) and you're complaining that you're 'stuck at home' 'with the children'. Well, with the one child. Let him go (as you said he could) and let him take the eldest, you'll get more of a break with just one to look after.

The poor bloke sounds like he's getting mixed messages from you. You moan he won't take responsibility for the kids and when he offers to take one away for a week with his parents you don't want him to (even though you said it was up to him if he wants to go).

Go with him (breastfeeding is surely no different here than abroad, unless they're off to Dubai or something) and have a nice time as a family.

tooldle

Might it be worth thinking about this from another perspective? You say you are stuck at home with the kids. You are choosing not to go abroad. You have choosen not to allow your older child to be taken abroad. Might it come across to your partner that things are your way, or no way. You are the one controlling the choices.

ravernoloo

I just wouldn't feel comfortable breastfeeding in a plane and in a Muslim country as we would be going to Turkey. It just feels like he cannot be bothered with this relationship. He doesn't want to put any effort into trying to make me happy, he just does wheat he wants and of I don't like it then go elsewhere. I'm always seeing my friends who are mothers having 1 night a month where they can go out and be "them" yet I don't even get a day to myself. The toddler is hard work yes but she is so lovely to be around and I can actually have a conversation with her . In fact I talk more to her than I am ever able to talk to my partner. Which is another reason why I wouldn't want him to take her with him abroad.
It's not exactly mixed messages there is a time and place to help with the children and taking one away for a weeks holiday is not really helping.