Should I stay or should I leave?

Mojisola

ravernoloo wrote: »

Evenings I cook the dinner and put the children to bed. Weekends are the same. I don't get a day off or a break. I don't get annual leave.

Yes I understand this is what having kids is about but it's a joint job and at the moment feels like it's just my job with him dipping in as and when he likes.

I think I need a day to myself once in a while.

In your situation, I would feel the same as you.

Our children have two parents - the children are there 24/7 and one parent can't just opt out of sharing the care (and it is a case of 'sharing the care', not 'helping you do your job').

getmore4less

Are you sure there is not something else behind this stand off
Have the kids strain on finances or the change in priorities means hubby can't spend on the things he used too.

Do you sit down, plan a proper budget for the year. and track the budget.

LannieDuck

Looking after two young children is incredibly hard work. I suspect some of those on here belittling your POV have either never done it, or have forgotten what it was like.

My OH and I both work part-time, and both have a day-a-week looking after the kids. I can confirm your assertion that looking after a baby and a 2yo is *much* more tiring than a day at work. My OH would agree - we regularly say that we go to work for a rest, and we're not joking.

I found when I was on mat leave with my two, I could hardly get any other jobs done - DD2 was a very clingy baby and DD1 was very active. Perhaps a load of washing, or a shopping trip, but that was it. My OH would have to come home and cook our evening meal (or take over childcare so I could cook). I barely found time to make a cup of tea.

Young children create *so* much more work than you're used to having, it's unreal. It's very unfair for one parent to pick up all the new chores, and the other parent to continue their life as it was before.

IMO, the only fair division of labour when you have kids is for the person at home to maintain 'working hours' - treat childcare + household chores as a day job, from the time the other leaves for work until the time they come back. Evening and weekend chores should then be shared.

LannieDuck

FBaby wrote: »

whereas you might have to get up early, get the kids ready but, you have the freedom to arrange your day as you wish. You can decide to stay home all day, plunk your eldest in front of the TV whilst your baby sleep and you can have a semi-snooze. [/FONT][/COLOR]

:rotfl:

That might work for some. My baby would take 20 mins of soothing to fall asleep for a nap, and 20 mins later she'd be awake again. During which time I might just about manage to eat a quick sandwich. The possibility of a semi-snooze wasn't even on the horizon.

If OP's OH really thinks that's what OP does all day, he needs to be left with the two kids by himself for a dose of reality. Lets see whether he manages to keep the house tidy and produce a meal at the end of it... and whether he feels he should be congratulated for doing so.

justme111

Fbaby, most of us work for living and usually it is not as dramatic as feeling "being trapped".
Interesting that you acknowledge that the time of life with two young children is as difficult as it gets. Then time of life with two working adults and no children is easier. So you contradict yourself in stating he has it as difficult as she. I really do not see how someone with straight face can say that the usual day to day work that we all do most of our lives with days off is on par to night after night broken sleep and day after day baby and toddler. Of course she can have half a snooze- so could he if he was looking after baby half of the evenings ! He could even take a baby with him to see his mates and have a moan- what is good for the goose is good for the gander.
Op, I completely sympathise with entrapment feeling.
Now to what you can do about it - well may be about half of it is just grin and bear it as it is what it is and it is not your husband's fault. Just take one day at a time.
Enlist help of any friends/family members/nannies. If your husband could give a baby a bottle so could they.
Stop arguing. You saying that doing it would mean situation does not change - that's not so. As you already seen arguing makes it worse so why continue? It is as if you were looking for your lost keys under the street lighting while you lost them somewhere else in the ditch just because it is easier because the ground is lit - not going to help.
Likely you are not going to be able to do anything about your husband's waltzing in and out of childcare while children are young. Why am I so pessimistic - because the fact that you you found yourself in this situation shows that you did not have abilities to manage it so you would be very unlikely to acquire these abilities now while sleep deprived stressed and resentful.
Don't get angry with your husband, he just does not understand.
Edited to add - stay not go definitely. You are not in a position to take so big decisions with 2 little ones. If you go it will not get easier so why go ?

Zeni

ravernoloo wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. What I meant by looking after 2 children daily is I do the same at weekends, where he gets 2 days off work my job hasn't ended. I never get a day off, and when I have suggested taking the eldest swimming whilst he watches the young one he kicked up a fuss saying "I don't have boobs" (I have expressed a few times so it's not an issue) I just gave up on that one.
Last night we had another argument, he left and said he was sleeping at his mums after I told him to grow up and act like an adult. He said if nothing changes in a month then he's selling the house. Like it's me with the problem and I need to change. He ended up coming back around 7 and got into bed like normal but we haven't spoken. He then went downstairs and slept on the sofa around 12 (he's still there now)
I don't want the children seeing this negativity but what can I do? Either stand my ground and make the point I am not happy and he needs to make changes or put up with it, be miserable but the children don't see so much arguing.

He is acting very childish when you argue which I cant imagine is helping you at all. What does he want to change? It must be a crazy emotional time right now with 2 young ones around and I cant even imagine how you must be feeling. Do you actually list all of the things or just tell him to grow up? It may be worth trying to calmly talk through it together and try and make it work rather than making quick decisions at this time with such little ones.

Guest101

ravernoloo wrote: »

We were still getting along fine and as my 1st child turned 1 things were back to normal which is why we had a second. The thing I cannot deal with is his constant selfishness and not really appreciating me. Is it hormones causing me to think this way I don't know?

Just curious, are you appreciating him?

FBaby

So this thread is turning into exactly what OP should be stepping away from, ie. trying to convince others that one has it harder then the other.

There are many circumstances by which working or looking after kids is harder than the other.

I have done looking after kids FT (whilst in maternity leave), being a single mum and working PT (and looking after them during my days off) and being a single mum working FT. I can say without a doubt that the latter was far the hardest. That's because my kids were quite well behaved and easy to manage whilst my work was totally draining.

However, I appreciate that if you have demanding children whilst comparing to an easy job, the former would be harder. I do recall being resentful of my OH when I was on maternity leave with my second, who was suffering badly from colic and therefore very hard work, and I reached the point of being desperately envious of my OH for being able to get away from the situation when I had to cope with it day after day. Until I went back to work FT, by which time the colic had gone and my son was easier to cope with, and I then realised how utterly exhausting being a parent of little ones and working FT was.

What is really sad is that what's happening is just a result of stress and exhaustion which should get better as the children grow up and considering breaking up the family because of acute stress seems such a waste of time. There are ups and downs in relationship and known pressure points. This one is one of them.

FBaby

So you contradict yourself in stating he has it as difficult as she

I'm not. I said time in life with two young children, not staying at home looking after young children specifically.

Again, unless you've experienced all situations, I don't think anyone is in a position to say that one is definitely harder than the other. You point that he 'doesn't understand' is very patronising. Maybe OP does not understand either.

Guest101

I can tell you that coming home from work, even a job you enjoy and seeing a list a mile long of stuff that needs doing is absolutely soul destroying.


If you handle it together, it's doable. But if it's "here's the baby, and here's the chores, and here's a shopping list - I'm done in" - that is just an absolute micky take.


on the other hand, being at home 24/7 with young children and no support when OH does come home is equally soul destroying. Doing your best to keep on top of it until a second pair of hands can help and then they don't.


Guess what the key thing is......