Should I stay or should I leave?

Pop_Up_Pirate

annandale wrote: »

Make him feel like top dog when he puts the bins out?

He's not a dog that needs to be trained. He's an adult with two kids.

Nothing was mentioned about his parents, how does anyone know what sort of example his parents set him!

I think you've taken Primroses post out of context.

And yes, his parents were mentioned.

annandale

I don't think I did. He's also to be treated as big and masculine and in charge of doing things his way?

To fix the fact that he's selfish and acting like an overgrown child.

ripplyuk

£36 on nuts!! What sort of nuts are they?

I'm wondering if that was him giving a defiant gesture that he'll do his own thing. He sounds very immature. Things going 'a little sour' after the first child was probably a good warning, but now with 2 young children, you need support and he needs to get his act together.

Could you try sitting down together and having a proper talk about how you're feeling? If he throws another strop and walks out, I'd suggest counselling before you both start resenting each other.

ravernoloo

Pop_Up_Pirate wrote: »

Do you appreciate him? How do you show that?
What does he have to do to show you he appreciates you?

I think a lot of the time, woman want outward displays of gratitude/love/acceptance etc whereas men don't all work that way, so a woman then feels upset when her expectations aren't met.

Drop the expectations, do your best at creating harmony in the house as a partner and mother and he will follow suit.

All I ask is for him to come home and notice the house is cleaner than usual and say wow you have done a good job or at least say thank you for dinner. I don't expect gifts etc. Or a cuddle when he gets in would be nice. I don't have unrealistic expectations, just a little appreciation that looking after 2 young children alone whilst he works all day as well as cooking, cleaning and doing chores (as well as the food shop) is hard especially when breastfeeding aswell. If I ask to go out for an hour whilst he watches the 2 kids he goes into meltdown.

Diary

I really feel for you on this.

Your boyfriend will never change, it's up to you to learn to accept his behaviour or not. He is an adult with adult choices and if he chooses to behave so badly as an adult there's really nothing you can do.

As someone said flattering his masculinity might work but your feelings matter too - does he flatter you and make you feel good about yourself? I would doubt it.

Pop_Up_Pirate

ravernoloo wrote: »

All I ask is for him to come home and notice the house is cleaner than usual and say wow you have done a good job or at least say thank you for dinner. I don't expect gifts etc. Or a cuddle when he gets in would be nice. I don't have unrealistic expectations, just a little appreciation that looking after 2 young children alone whilst he works all day as well as cooking, cleaning and doing chores (as well as the food shop) is hard especially when breastfeeding aswell. If I ask to go out for an hour whilst he watches the 2 kids he goes into meltdown.

But do you go to him when he comes in, throw your arms around him and say thank you for going out to work all day?
A man wouldn't expect you to do that, so not sure why a woman expects a man to do it for her.
Most men don;t even notice a clean house so unless he's actually berating you for having a messy house, then your' expectation is not going to be met and you should drop it.

Those little men/women differences don't matter to the overall health of a relationship.

You do your best without any expectations, if you want something, ask outright and dont hint and don't get upset when a man doesn't do what you want them to do because they won't even realise what it is you want.

You have a normal situation that many couples have had for years and years without complaint. The guy goes to work all day and the woman tends to the home and children with a part time job. Unless you're working full time, then I think your roles are pretty equal.
Why is there a need for a woman to have outward praise/appreciation these days?

getmore4less

Do you ask how his day at work was?
Do you do anything as a family like a day out for/with the kids.

Is he into man cooking like BBQ, that can be done all year round with a small gas one.

Do you plan meals for the week together?
Do you eat together at a table?
if not practical during the week at weekends.

Primrose

I'm gradually learning that the best thing to do when you're upset after an argument is "Nothing". Just take time out, and sometimes it may need more than a few hours to reflect, before reacting. Actions taken in haste, although instinctive, are rarely the right way to bring about the long term results you want to happen.

How are things now? It does take a while for the atmosphere to settle down again after a confrontation. If you do feel you need to revisit the issue, it may help to do so in a non accusory way, i.e. can we talk about why we don,t seem to be getting on very well these days? is it a good time to chat about what triggered our row the other evening? We often seem to be on different wavelengths these days and things were getting so much better..... it makes me sad when we have these battles ...we have two lovely children and we should be creating a secure environment for them, etc. etc,

Primrose

Pop_Up_Pirate wrote: »

You have a normal situation that many couples have had for years and years without complaint. The guy goes to work all day and the woman tends to the home and children with a part time job. Unless you're working full time, then I think your roles are pretty equal.
Why is there a need for a woman to have outward praise/appreciation these days?

Yes, this is a perfectly normal situation for thousands of families but the reality is that BOTH partners thrive better in a situation where their efforts toward the common good are appreciated. Regular "Thank you"s and "I really appreciated you doing that" go a long way to making a person feel valued. People don't have to be overloaded with gifts. Just an acknowledgement of their efforts makes all the difference. People grow emotionally and in self confidence when they know they are valued.


If the other person's partner came from a selfish household, which he appears to have done, he will have had no "training" in how people should behave towards one another, so he still needs to learn these behaviours to become a more rounded individual. Simply marrying and having children does not necessarily enforce these habits. Like trying to train an unruly adult dog, this will be harder than if he had learned the behaviours as a child but all of us go through life having to learning new techniques for coping and improving relationships. Does he behave in the same self- centred way to his colleagues at work, I wonder? Behavioural faults are not necessarily restricted to one particular area of one's life. Does he behave selfishly with his pub colleagues too?


It may be that he will never change, in which case the other person will have to think through long term strategies for bringing up her children alone, or they may inherit all their father's selfishness and history will repeat itself.

lika_86

ravernoloo wrote: »

All I ask is for him to come home and notice the house is cleaner than usual and say wow you have done a good job or at least say thank you for dinner. I don't expect gifts etc. Or a cuddle when he gets in would be nice. I don't have unrealistic expectations, just a little appreciation that looking after 2 young children alone whilst he works all day as well as cooking, cleaning and doing chores (as well as the food shop) is hard especially when breastfeeding aswell. If I ask to go out for an hour whilst he watches the 2 kids he goes into meltdown.

It sounds like you need to make your life easier for yourself and not expect a pat on the head for doing what I would expect someone at home on maternity leave to be doing - looking after the kids, cleaning, putting the washing on and buying food (on this front, if taking two small kids to the supermarket is difficult then shop online, use the shortcuts available to you these days). Of course weekends and evenings will be different but looking after the home and children during the week is currently your full-time job just as working out of the home is his.

I think you both need to sit down and talk about what you expect from your roles and contribution to the household.