Should I stay or should I leave?

Fireflyaway

£36 ? What kind of nuts were those?! On a serious note, now is probably not the time to make a decision about the future of a relationship, especially with 2 small kids involved. You will both be tired, have little time together and your still a new mum. Its easy to get more emotional and feel things are worse than they are.
You said things improved when your first got older. Things will improve again in the future. Can you get a baby sitter once in a while and have some uninterrupted time together?
As for house chores. Decide what is expected of whom. My husband and I used to argue about it, but after we decided on a plan it was never spoken of again. You work part time so seems fair you do the housework whilst your husband is putting in the extra hours at work.
Your husband might seem selfish but he probably misses the attention and is just not handling it the best way.
Its tough now but it will get better. Unfortunately people can act different once kids come along and it takes some adjusting again.

Loft_Boy

Similar to you my wife and I have two kids 3 and 20 months) I work Full time and she stays at home with the kids.

You will argue if any couple who has 2 small kids say they don't then in my opinion they are lying. Having kids changes the whole dynamic if the family home and can be stressful.

One thing I would say is the being in bed all day and going out for a beer with his football buddies is poor form no ifs buts or maybes.

In regards to other things you say your other half works full time how long is he out of the house I can be out personally for 14 or so hours and sometimes have had a terrible day and am knackered only then to walk into bedlam in the house so itcan be 16 hours before I get to sit down and relax which is a grind. I know its not easy looking after kids but I would wager that if you do clubs NCT etc you often have catch ups and so you probably get see some of your friends more often than your other half (albeit with kids)

When was the last time you and him had a night out together or a night out on your own with your respective friends while the other looks after the kids?

You mentioned he doesn't do much 8 nappies in 3 months or something, but do you let him. Not a criticism but do you ' takeover a bit' especially if you are feeding the littlest one yourself. Do you tag team at the weekends so one gets up with them one day and the other the next allowing you both to get some sleep.

Young kids are hard work but sometimes when the other person upsets annoys you, you have to bite your tongue remember you love them and move.

Case in point last night me saying I am going to football one night this week Mrs had forgot wasnt impressed although fixture list is on fridge and in the calender. Text from her on way home tonight" am going out Wednesday with girls totally forgot can you get home early" Had this been the other way round massive issue. My response "Yeah no worries" I really think its double standards but she hasn't been out in a while and could do with it

Bit of give and take goes a fair way

Good luck

ravernoloo

Thanks for the replies. What I meant by looking after 2 children daily is I do the same at weekends, where he gets 2 days off work my job hasn't ended. I never get a day off, and when I have suggested taking the eldest swimming whilst he watches the young one he kicked up a fuss saying "I don't have boobs" (I have expressed a few times so it's not an issue) I just gave up on that one.
Last night we had another argument, he left and said he was sleeping at his mums after I told him to grow up and act like an adult. He said if nothing changes in a month then he's selling the house. Like it's me with the problem and I need to change. He ended up coming back around 7 and got into bed like normal but we haven't spoken. He then went downstairs and slept on the sofa around 12 (he's still there now)
I don't want the children seeing this negativity but what can I do? Either stand my ground and make the point I am not happy and he needs to make changes or put up with it, be miserable but the children don't see so much arguing.

ravernoloo

lika_86 wrote: »

It sounds like you need to make your life easier for yourself and not expect a pat on the head for doing what I would expect someone at home on maternity leave to be doing - looking after the kids, cleaning, putting the washing on and buying food (on this front, if taking two small kids to the supermarket is difficult then shop online, use the shortcuts available to you these days). Of course weekends and evenings will be different but looking after the home and children during the week is currently your full-time job just as working out of the home is his.

I think you both need to sit down and talk about what you expect from your roles and contribution to the household.

I'm sorry but I don't expect a "pat on the head" just a little appreciation. I would happily go to work every day if he was to stayhome and look after 2 young children aswell as the housework. It's a lot easier going to work I can tell you that! Evenings I cook the dinner and put the children to bed. Weekends are the same. I don't get a day off or a break. I don't get annual leave. Yes I understand this is what having kids is about but it's a joint job and at the moment feels like it's just my job with him dipping in as and when he likes. Spending more time with the toddler because she walks, talks and eats food isn't really fair. I think I need a day to myself once in a while.

ravernoloo

getmore4less wrote: »

Do you ask how his day at work was?
Do you do anything as a family like a day out for/with the kids.

Is he into man cooking like BBQ, that can be done all year round with a small gas one.

Do you plan meals for the week together?
Do you eat together at a table?
if not practical during the week at weekends.

I do ask him how his day was everyday he comes home.
We have a zoo trip planned for the 10th March but we don't do a lot as a family, it's been hard with the house move and new baby. A lot of the time when it's the weekend he doesn't want to do a lot as he wants to "relax"
He's not into bbqs no. And we don't plan meals I just cook the dinner daily. We all eat together at the table though. And we eat with the little one every night. Although at the table when he has finished his dinner he will just get up and get some fruit whilst we are still eating dinner or might go and sit on the sofa. He doesn't wait until we have all finished which isn't great table manners but doesn't bother me.

ravernoloo

ripplyuk wrote: »

£36 on nuts!! What sort of nuts are they?

I'm wondering if that was him giving a defiant gesture that he'll do his own thing. He sounds very immature. Things going 'a little sour' after the first child was probably a good warning, but now with 2 young children, you need support and he needs to get his act together.

Could you try sitting down together and having a proper talk about how you're feeling? If he throws another strop and walks out, I'd suggest counselling before you both start resenting each other.

Yes this is what happens most times I try and have an adult chat with him, he often walks away or walks out. Never stays when things start getting spoken about which is irritating as it won't get sorted of he just keeps walking away.
I'm not sure he would even bother with counseling, I suggested it once before and he just laughed saying am I joking.

ravernoloo

Pop_Up_Pirate wrote: »

But do you go to him when he comes in, throw your arms around him and say thank you for going out to work all day?
A man wouldn't expect you to do that, so not sure why a woman expects a man to do it for her.
Most men don;t even notice a clean house so unless he's actually berating you for having a messy house, then your' expectation is not going to be met and you should drop it.

Those little men/women differences don't matter to the overall health of a relationship.

You do your best without any expectations, if you want something, ask outright and dont hint and don't get upset when a man doesn't do what you want them to do because they won't even realise what it is you want.

You have a normal situation that many couples have had for years and years without complaint. The guy goes to work all day and the woman tends to the home and children with a part time job. Unless you're working full time, then I think your roles are pretty equal.
Why is there a need for a woman to have outward praise/appreciation these days?

Because it's hard work looking after 2 young children single handed as well as doing general household chores, breastfeeding every 2 hours and potty training! I would happily go to work over this every day! Week3nds I do the same, he might play with the eldest for a bit but he usually just sits on his phone, when do I get a day off? The last few weeks I have been trying to decorate the house as it has not been done since moving in October. So a little appreciation when I have managed to decurate a room with 2 kiddies and not get everywhere covered in paint, as well as still keep the house ticking would be nice. I don't feel the roles are equal at all. I am up every 2 hours at night feeding the youngest and still do what I need to do in the day. Whereas he gets a solid 8 hours sleep, gets up and goes to work. Comes home and food is cooked, eats and goes to bed. Doesn't sound equal to me. Feels like I'm the skivvy and he is lIving life as a single man who plays with the kids when he feels like it. He never hugs me kisses me or anything so yeah I guess I am feeling a little undervalued.

FBaby

I would happily go to work every day if he was to stayhome and look after 2 young children aswell as the housework. It's a lot easier going to work I can tell you that!

So this is what it comes down to. The good news is, what you are facing is what is experienced by many many couples with young children. It is an exhausting time for both parents, and unfortunately, that exhaustion leads to comparing who has it worse. The focus becomes on the other with bitterness overpowering all the positives and all attention is on what the others gets and the behaviours they should change.

You are persuaded that you have it much worse than your husband and that therefore he should do more. You are right that you have it very hard, you are however wrong that you have it so much harder than he does. The reality is most likely that you both have it very hard because this stage of family life/marriage is probably the hardest you'll have.

What you are doing wrong is becoming obsessed with comparing everything to justify how your feelings. The instance of him going out after being ill, ie. what you see is having had a whole time for himself whilst you slaved with the children has brought on much anger because you are envious of his freedom. You crave it (we all do when our kids are little) and therefore think he shouldn’t be entitled to it, at least not as often as he does. His perspective though will be that HE has no freedom because regardless of what happens, he has to get up, get ready, face the stress of travel, the stress and exhaustion of work, and come back home and still not get a rest, whereas you might have to get up early, get the kids ready but, you have the freedom to arrange your day as you wish. You can decide to stay home all day, plunk your eldest in front of the TV whilst your baby sleep and you can have a semi-snooze. You can take them out and meet up with a friend for a good chat/moan whilst your eldest play and little one babbles away. This so even more if your youngest attend daycare. Yes, you have to clean the house, but you don’t have to if you have a particular bad day. Your OH will still have to go and do his work that day even if he really doesn’t feel like it.

The reality is that you BOTH have it hard and trying to compare is unfair on each other. Do you really want to throw it all away just because you are going through an almost inevitable hard stage of life? Think very hard at this one. As you’ve already experienced with your first, it WILL get easier. If staying at home with the children is not what makes you feel best about yourself, consider going back to work as soon as possible and don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for it.

Don’t blame your OH for your feelings of entrapment and exhaustion. It really isn’t his fault. The more you accuse him of not doing enough compare to you, the more he will focus his mind on how much harder his life is and you just moan for the sake of it. Start appreciating that it is hard for both of you, and most likely he will be more incline to consider what it is like for you.

There was a brilliant programme some years ago where couple swapped their lives for two weeks, with the woman (usually) going to work whilst dad stayed at home to look after the kids. They picked couples exactly in your situation, where each thought the other had it easier. It was a real eye opener for both because until you experience the life of the other, it is hard to really comprehend what it is like for them. The conclusion in almost all cases was exactly that, that it was bl**dy hard for both!

FBaby

Just wanted to add that if you are getting no appreciation at the moment is because you are stuck in a mode of accusation. Expecting appreciation has become the unspoken 'look what I do whereas you don't do enough, I am superior to you and you are lazy'. Inevitably, this leads to defensiveness, so not only you are not getting appreciation, but you are getting the exact opposite, him escaping.

Pop_Up_Pirate

Primrose wrote: »

Yes, this is a perfectly normal situation for thousands of families but the reality is that BOTH partners thrive better in a situation where their efforts toward the common good are appreciated. Regular "Thank you"s and "I really appreciated you doing that" go a long way to making a person feel valued. People don't have to be overloaded with gifts. Just an acknowledgement of their efforts makes all the difference. People grow emotionally and in self confidence when they know they are valued.


If the other person's partner came from a selfish household, which he appears to have done, he will have had no "training" in how people should behave towards one another, so he still needs to learn these behaviours to become a more rounded individual. Simply marrying and having children does not necessarily enforce these habits. Like trying to train an unruly adult dog, this will be harder than if he had learned the behaviours as a child but all of us go through life having to learning new techniques for coping and improving relationships. Does he behave in the same self- centred way to his colleagues at work, I wonder? Behavioural faults are not necessarily restricted to one particular area of one's life. Does he behave selfishly with his pub colleagues too?


It may be that he will never change, in which case the other person will have to think through long term strategies for bringing up her children alone, or they may inherit all their father's selfishness and history will repeat itself.

I absolutely agree that a litttle appreciation goes a long way. My post wasn't saying don't give appreciation. What I said was don't EXPECT it and then get upset when it doesn't happen.
A lot of marital problems come down to expectations not being met...but neither party are mind readers

If a woman, for example, works like crazy making a nice dinner and cleaning house and expects a big thank you but doesn't get one she might then get upset, they end up fighting/arguing the man generally doesn't understand and he's also been out at work all day and the evening is then spoilt.
Instead, drop the expectations of thanks, be pleased in yourself that you are creating a nice environment for the whole family, a nice cooked meal, and appreciate for yourself that you have a solid relationship where you both chip in.

Women verbalise emotions more than men...generally. So once in a while, say to husband "You know I appreciate you working all week to keep the roof over our heads and I love you so much"
And leave it there. If he doesn't say anything similar back...its not the end of the world and it certainly doesn't mean he doesn't feel it.

Marriage is for the long haul, so taking steps towards the whole marriage being harmonious and loving for years to come is far better than feeding a feeling of wanting instant gratification.

The one thing that should never happen is that one partner 'Tries' to change the other.
Changes will occur as a natural progression through marriage just by good examples.

Getting upset because the man didn't say thank you for cleaning the house is not a good example. It is, however, an example of selfishness and reinforces any selfishness the man may already have.