Should I stay or should I leave?

ravernoloo

Thank you for all the comments. I'm going to try and stay and grin and bear for now, in the hope that it will be better when I am not breastfeeding and back at work etc. I would love to each wrote down bit our issues but he would not want to do that. He would say it's silly etc etc. Which is the immature part of him. Here's hoping it will get better. I have a very clingy baby and the toddler doesn't sit still longer than 20 mins wanting to play. Which probably is why a lot of people who have commented may not understand. I also have a baby with a milk allergy which means I also have to cut our dairy. Another restriction so I am probably just resentful that my partner can do what he likes and eat what he likes yet I'm always putting the children first. Thanks so much for all you have said though I am certainly taking a lot on board.

FBaby

I have a very clingy baby and the toddler doesn't sit still longer than 20 mins wanting to play. Which probably is why a lot of people who have commented may not understand.

Believe me, I know what it's like. My second baby had very bad colic, cried non stopped and woke up for a feed every two hours until he was 6 weeks old and fully awake after 4am (and he was born in the winter!) whilst my 3yo was full of beans. My OH worked over 2 hours away, so gone by 7am and not back until after 7:30pm, by which time, both of them were in bed.

I know how hard, exhausting and even depressing it is. My posts were not meant to undermine in any way what you are experiencing, but only to say that he too might find it harder than you imagine.

What you need to do is agree on time that you can have for yourself on a regular and therefore expected basis, ie. he can go and meet with his friends every other week-end and you get a few hours for yourself every Saturdays.

Just remember, it really will get better, and what you experience is totally normal. I went though it and cried many times in frustration of feeling trapped. One day, you and your OH will look back and laugh how desperate you both were as a result of exhaustion.

LannieDuck

Out of interest, has your OH ever had to look after both kids for a significant period of time?

He may be ignorant of how much work you're doing, rather than lazy.

ravernoloo

LannieDuck wrote: »

Out of interest, has your OH ever had to look after both kids for a significant period of time?

He may be ignorant of how much work you're doing, rather than lazy.

No the longest he has had both was around 20 mins whilst I went to the shop. I suggested he look after them both so I could maybe pop to town for a few hours but he said he can't do that as he doesn't know how to get the baby to sleep. I th9nk it's little bit lazy as I'm sure he could work it out. I.guess as the youngest gets older I may get some time as he will be easier to look after ie he can play with toys etc

beautiful_ravens

So, if you broke your leg and ended up in hospital, he wouldnt actually be able to look after his own children?

ravernoloo

beautiful_ravens wrote: »

So, if you broke your leg and ended up in hospital, he wouldnt actually be able to look after his own children?

Your guess is as good as mine. He would probably get his mum to help

FBaby

No the longest he has had both was around 20 mins whilst I went to the shop. I suggested he look after them both so I could maybe pop to town for a few hours but he said he can't do that as he doesn't know how to get the baby to sleep.

Next time, don't ask him. Say you need to go out (giving him notice though) and that you hope to be back in one hour but might be longer and let him express his anxieties, but still do it. He needs to be given the chance to prove to himself he can cope.

LannieDuck

Honestly, he needs to learn. You learnt when you had your first baby - he will too. There was a time when you didn't know how to get a baby to sleep, but you figured it out.

The first time my OH took DD1 out for a walk in the pram, he forgot to take a bottle. Apparently he returned pretty sharpish when she got hungry No harm done to either of them, but he's always remembered to check the nappy bag since then...!

If your OH is never put in the position of having to do it, you'll always be the one doing it. And until he's done it, he simply won't have a clue how much work it is.

If your littlest is breastfeeding approx every 2 hours, may I suggest that's about the right length of time for an appointment to get your hair cut...?

Tuesday_Tenor

ravernoloo wrote: »

No the longest he has had both was around 20 mins whilst I went to the shop. I suggested he look after them both so I could maybe pop to town for a few hours but he said he can't do that as he doesn't know how to get the baby to sleep.

In the whole difficult scenario for both of you, this is the one thing that REALLY needs to be addressed. It's totally unreasonable for him not to be able to look after the 2 children for an hour or so. It might be essential occasionally: you could have a healthcare appointment for an investigation where you CAN'T take the children along. It would be reasonable for him to do it regularly once a week, as it would really help your feeling of being completely trapped. Because you are trapped, and he does have the freedom to get out with his mates. If he's not confident to do it on his own and has to have his mother or someone else there to start with, then so be it; it's a start ...

Forget about the chores and other stuff for the moment. Increase his confidence and enjoyment of being with the children, and get your small breaks of freedom. Even this small step will make thing feel much more balanced.

Tuesday_Tenor

Does he not have mates who are Dads and could give him a bit of support in being a new(-ish) father?