Am I spoiling my kids??

Robisere

I would call no one a 'friend' who criticised our parenting, especially behind our backs.

It is none of their business, perhaps some of them are just too lazy to do stuff with their children, or too mean to give them 'extra-curricular' opportunities that cost money.

Sounds to me that you are a very good, caring mum who wants to do her utmost to give your children a better start in life. Carry on and ignore the jealousies of others. You and your family are doing fine.

Teacher2

I think that the activities listed are expensive per se but they are educational and will help your children socialise, learn to share, work in teams, compete, consider others and focus on achievement. The children will be safe and in groups of children with like minded parents who also care about their own children's progress in life. In short, you are teaching them to be 'middle class' and achievers.

Saving is also brilliant for their long term financial prospects but possibly not if you just put money away for them without their knowing it. Make them aware of the sums and that they cannot access the money without a proper goal like a mortgage deposit or for education. Perhaps you could give them a little splurging cash to teach them how to budget.

I did not spend anything near the amounts stated on pastimes and hobbies but 20 years ago my husband and I virtually ate baked beans for a decade to send our two children to prep schools which, at the time cost us about £600 a month and ate up nearly every penny of my teacher's salary.

The schools provided many extra activities as standard as well as breakfast and lunch and we coughed up for educational trips at primary and grammar school level. We must have spent thousands of pounds on these over 13 school years but by the time they were 18 our children had seen: Italy, Germany, Belgium, Poland, Russia and France but not just from a holiday perspective. They had visited first and second world war battlefields, a concentration camp, classical sites, cultural cities, major art collections and museums and many more highly educational venues.

If you buy children 'stuff' they only learn to spend and that spending is never enough or quite satisfactory. If you spend on experiences then you equip them for life.

I would say that, yes, you pay quite a bit for your children's 'entertainment' but that it will be worth every penny.

enthusiasticsaver

I don't think saving for their future is spoiling. It is sensible and providing you are not in debt and can afford it I cannot see the problem.

Outside activities are expensive and when ours were small they did rainbows then brownies and swimming lessons, one did keyboard lessons and one violin and one did horseriding. They had small amounts of pocket money to spend on toys, sweets etc and learning to manage money from a young age is a good life lesson. As they got older they stopped many of the activities and started others. As long as you can afford it and they enjoy it I think you should continue. The difficulty comes when you are on a very tight budget and in that case I would let them choose one extra curricular activity. I think learning to swim though is a good life skill so I would let them get to a reasonable level before giving that up.

Spoiling is buying them lots of stuff and saying yes to everything they say they want, regardless of whether they show any commitment to whatever activity they want to do. One of my daughters loved horse riding which was expensive so sacrificed half her pocket money to go towards the lessons.

enthusiasticsaver

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

Thank you all for the replies.


We do have "down time" - all of their activities are Friday - Sun but not all day. Swimming is early sat morning so we do something together in the afternoon. Horse riding is Sunday AM (girls are in different groups) so they watch each other then eldest DD goes off with her friends to help out and me and DD2 spend time together. I have a lot of the school holidays off so we build forts :rotfl: or have a PJ & Movie day etc


Nope, I don't really moan about money - I'm careful with what I spend (Who isn't on here....) but I'm not out every weekend (like some of my friends are) each year we have a "girls weekend away" and we always celebrate occasions (so if its a friends birthday we all head out)


The only thing I've turned down recently is a trip to pizza hut (more because its 8pm on a school/work night midweek and im up at 5am most days)


It's mainly 2 friends saying im spoiling the girls but they've started mentioning it to other friends (some disagree, some say I should spend more on myself) - The thing is, I would rather save the money I have left over than spend it. I've never understood why you'd spend £40 on a pair of shoes (that you wouldn't need) when you can take your kids out.

I think the only problem can come if you are spending all your spare money on your children without considering you and your husband. There has to be a balance so if you are sacrificing all the time to give your children these experiences and are not happy with that because you are scrimping on things for you then something should give.

From the sound of it though you are quite happy to forego expensive clothes/shoes and the occasional night out and I must admit I would be too. They are only young for such a short time and I would be quite happy to have cheap shoes so that they could have proper fitted ones or a day out at the seaside. My daughter is the same for my granddaughter and laughs and says shopping trips her and her husband go on now are usually for things for the baby and not them. Part of being a parent is putting them first I think and presumably you enjoy the trips out with your daughters so they are fun experiences for you too?

I would question just how good a friend these women are when they criticise your parenting choices and are presumably saying you don't spend enough on yourself. They may also be the type of people who want to splurge on clothes for themselves and nights out and ignore their kids. Maybe time to get new friends?

lexiloo

Thats not a lot compared to some of the kids I know. Kids are expensive but we love them and if we can afford it then treat them, also, I look at how much physically they're doing and if that's wearing them out (doesn't seem that much).

My girls aged almost 5 and 8 do
Brownies (the older one) £30 a term
Tap dancing £4 each a lesson (the only class you don't have to pay a term for)
Cheerleading £48 a term (older one)
Swimming £23 a month (younger one)

I also treat them to sweets and little presents as and when, because it makes me happy and they're grateful and my mum spoils them rotten but apparently that's her prerogative as a Grandma.

Enjoy treating them!
:T

Tuesday_Tenor

For reasons stated by others, those particular activities sound like good use of funds that you can afford as a family.
I assume the children enjoy these activities and wouldn't rather be doing music, drama or sailing ...
You're happy to spend very carefully in other areas to make it happen; all seems healthily balanced.

I see no problem.

The only way I can see a future problem is if the children are currently able, as it happens, to do 'everything they want' and what will happen as they get older and want to try and/or continue with different activities.
They will not be able to afford horse riding, swimming, Guides AND music lessons AND an I-Pad AND going to events with friends AND going on special school trips ...

If they have developed a sense of entitlement to 'everything they want' then they will have been spoiled.
If they have developed a sense of 'I can spend £X/month on experiences and entertainment, so I must choose the things that are most important to me' then you're parenting well.

I do think an element of choice within a budget, at all levels (weekly bits and major activity choices) is increasingly important as they grow. If the 'savings for later/adulthood' are untouchable for the child then the 10-year-old, at least, should have some pocket money as her disposable income to do as she wishes with: use well, save, fritter ... Among other things how is she going to learn to budget for things like birthday presents for others (like for Mum!) if Mum always covers those?

Actually, as I write, I'm not sure the 'savings for adulthood' are the savings the children should be aware of or think deeply about. They might come to represent a cushion that makes them think they CAN have everything ....

Think about whether there is a need to split the savings - is there a need for savings that the child would be able to access in the shorter term. Savings that become part of the medium-term budgeting choices ... If she wants to continue horse-riding, AND take up guitar lessons, then she has to use her savings. Which she then can't use for non-essential school trips ... Choices have to be made. You've already admitted to (happily) limiting your own spending, so there isn't more cash to go round, so choices will HAVE to be made. So the sooner the children learn to do this, the less likely they are to be 'spoiled'.

I wonder if the friends who have commented do have slightly older children and are starting to have these sorts of issues. They're not articulating it correctly, but they may, from their own experience, see a potential issue for you and your children and be trying, out of friendly concern, to warn you.

ladymarmalade

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

Hi,

Discussing finances recently with my friends and a few have said I am spending too much (or rather "spoiling") on my kids. I didn't think I was but now I'm not so sure! They're 10 and 5

Between them they get:

Horse riding: £140 per month
Savings: £83.00 per month
Swimming: £22per month
Brownies: £16 per month

Looks a lot right? It works out at £30per week each. They don't get pocket money but we always have sweets etc in (and Santa Claus got them both magazine subscriptions)

How much (if you don't mind sharing!) do you spend on your kids? Am I spending too much?!


EDIT: I can afford these activities. My friends said I should cut their money and keep it for myself / put into savings (I already do save btw)

I think the concept of spoiling children is all relative. If you spend lots of money on your children and expect ntohing in return (by which I mean simple chores such as setting the table, keeping their rooms tidy, emptying dishwasher etc) then in my opinion the children are being spoilt. If however, they have some input into the household then no, I don't think they are being spoilt.

I am a secondary school teacher and for me it is all about teaching your child the value of things and the work required to get them. These days all too often, many pupils just take the things their parents do for granted and are not at all grateful. Not all pupils I hasten to add but it is becoming more common.

What you have listed does not sound like spoling to me. Plus, they are all enrichment activities which will develop their social skills and help to keep them fit and active!:D

martinnathalie9

I'm just really impressed you have tabs on how much you are spending on them monthly, go you!

It looks as though you are really investing in their future, they are very lucky children to have some many hobbies and opportunities to make friends and develop!

Rachhum

This is what I spend:

Oldest child (aged 9)
Trumpet lessons: £12 per week
Piano lessons: £10 per week
Piano hire: £36 per month
Wind band: £30 per term
After school clubs (basketball, band cookery): £5 per week
Cricket: £45 per season
Cubs: £25 per term

Middle child (aged 6)
Gymnastics: £:30 per month
Swimming lessons: £96 per month
Beavers: £25 per term
After school clubs: £2 per week

Youngest child (aged 3)
Swimming lessons: £96 per month
Ballet / tap: £5 per week

I'm thinking that this sounds a lot compared to others! It is generally in line with most people I know locally though, and I don't really consider that my children have any expensive hobbies. We also put money into their accounts each month.

Fireflyaway

Really depends what you mean by 'spoiled'. If its the literal interpretation then to me that means your generosity has ruined your kids - made them materialistic, greedy or unappreciative. Other people would take it to mean they are lucky to be treated so much! Growing up as a child I had a nice life and people would refer to me as spoiled and it really annoyed me! I had a pony, went on nice holidays, ate out etc but I don't think I was spoiled. I always appreciated what I had and was ( and still am) very grateful to my parents.
Right now I spend probably £150 a month on my child's pocket money and out of school clubs then extra on clothes and days out. Soon child related expenditure will go up to around £1400 a month because of school fees. There's another example of looking at things differently. Some would see private school as an unnecessary expense and others as money well spent. I think its up to the individual family to decide what's right for them. As another poster said, the main thing is that the expenditure doesn't create a greedy child or prevent the bills being paid. The actual sum doesn't matter so much. If it works for you its not really anyone's business and you shouldn't have to justify yourself.