Giving a friend lifts to work, am I wrong for charging him?

Fireflyaway

I think it got complicated because you refused money numerous times so he was probably surprised when you eventually asked for it. I gave a colleague a lift for a few months and wouldnt accept money because i felt was going there anyway and it wasn't much out of the way.however she shoved £20 in my hand a few times and it was clear that not accepting it would have offended her so I did take it.
In your case I would accept whatever was offered as you don't seem to be travelling miles and miles out the way. Its more of a token gesture on your part and he should show his appreciation by making a token donation. This is a temporary thing and if otherwise you are good friends I'd say £10 is fine. True friends don't keep scores and put a price on everything. The fact that you argued seems weird. It wasn't nice of him to accuse you of ripping him off and its not his friends business. How much would a bus journey of similar distance cost?

selement

I think it's fine to charge but not much. If it's 5 times a week that is quite often so I don't think it's unreasonable to want a little compensation for going out of your way. As it's a mate I think it may be worth suggesting a smaller token payment of £5 a month though?£10 sounds like a lot unless you are totally splitting your petrol costs which I would consider doing if it was a more permanent arrangement but not for temporary

Pollycat

FBaby wrote: »

I might be the only one, but I'm with your friend on the basis that it doesn't cost you much more in petrol since you are picking him on your way, so what you are charging him is for your inconvenience, and I do think this quite high paid for helping a friend, even if it means you have to go through traffic lights rather than the motorway.

Friendship works both ways.
The OP appears to have bought this 'friend' stuff on a holiday, and although the OP dismissed payment, this latest episode has rankled.

FBaby wrote: »

It sounds like this issue is likely to end up in the fall out of your friendship when he doesn't need your lift any longer. Friends are precious. Sometimes you do them a favour that is an inconvenience, but then they are there when you need them to do you a favour. That's what friends are for.

I'd say some friends are precious, but I'm not sure I'd include the OP's friend in this category.
Not only has he argued about the amount the OP has asked for but he's also involved other people in trying to justify what is an appropriate amount (in the OP's opinion).

PaulSimons wrote: »

You're a bit of a rubbish friend frankly.

To start with he's your friend for 8 years (4 close whatever), you don't exactly sound like a good friend by making your friend pay you for something that's not too much of a bother by the sound of things.

On top of that you decline his willingness to pay. And then you backtrack and get into an argument.

As a bloke I would not trust you if you behave like that.

I have two friends who live about 5 miles apart from each other and go to the same workplace, the driving friend has not once taken money off the other friend to drop him off and pick him up. In fact he does that for 2 other people as well. And these lads are on hourly wage.

What my friends do however is always give me birthday gifts and get him round of drinks every time they go out.

Be a man. Sometimes friendships are worth more than £25 a month.

I think it's the OP's friend who is rubbish.

I wouldn't say this 'friend' is worth much of anything, let alone £25 per month.

Brecon_Beacons

Although it may not seem so at the moment, JLawson118, this is a positive experience! Because you are learning one of life's harder lessons: that there are good friendships, and there are bad.

I agree with other poster's comments that there should be give and take in true friendships - but you should also mention that, in life, there are givers, and there are takers.

JLawson seems a natural 'giver': he has been happy to pick up the tab on the Amsterdam holiday; and was too polite - initially - to accept payment for the expense and inconvenience of providing transport, 5 days a week.

Now let's look at his 'friend'. A natural taker, who was perfectly happy with someone else's Credit Card being used to subsidise his Amsterdam holiday. He has now formed the impression that it is "ok" to sponge off of you, JLawson. He is probably outgoing and gregarious, and it suits him to assume that people are happy to pay for him.

That is why he has turned nasty when you finally plucked up courage to address the issue of payment. Of course he will! It suits him just fine to have you getting up earlier, paying RFL, petrol doing the driviing etc, to deliver him door-to-door to his employment. It really doesn't matter that he has cheap or free public transport available: having a lackey run around after his big ego is SO much better.

Your problem is that this sponger is relying on you backing down, as you have set that precedent on the holiday, and on refusing initial payment.

This actually is a GOOD life lesson to learn. If you don't want to be eternally cast in life as the meek, mild, put-upon friend who picks up the tab for all the free-loaders (and there are SO many of them! And can be SO much worse than this!), you need to LEARN what to do with people like this.

Which is: stop enabling them. If you can't pluck up the courage to speak to him, write it out, and pass it to him next time his freeloading a** hits the passenger seat of your car.

Tell him: If you want the use of my car and my driving, you have to pay. The amount is X per week. If you don't like it, go back to the bus and our friendship is ended, because you make me feel like you're taking advantage of me.

If the poor mite has been totally misunderstood, he will be profusely sorry, pay up, and treat you better. My guess is: not in this life! Be prepared for all sorts of spite and bluster.

But it's really important you get a handle on this, and act. You don't want to end up a resentful doormat. And you will feel better, for just TELLING him. Promise!

Good luck :-)

fierystormcloud

Jlawson118 wrote: »

I have a friend who I've known for around 8 years but I've only really been close to him in the last 3/4 years.

Anyway, I went to Amsterdam with him in August and it was a lovely trip, but I ended up buying him things if they were perhaps easier to pay for on card, and when offering me the money I'd tell him not to worry about it, I wasn't bothered.

However, for a few years he's been working through an agency for a job, I recently got a Christmas temp job there and they gave him the same shifts as me, five days a week for four weeks. He asked me if I'd pick him up and take him home and he'd pay me, I told him sure. One week before he started working all week, he worked just one day of the week, I parked outside his house once taking him home and he got his wallet out, I told him to put it away and to sort something out after the next four weeks.

He was asking me how much I wanted, so I suggested maybe £10 per week but he thought it was a little much and within a few weeks, he said he'd give me no less than £25. As a friend I was fine with that. But then he argued and tried to get it down to £20. I wanted at least £30 but I could go to £25. We argued and he agreed but claimed I was ripping him off.

Once we finished, he did give me £25 but was arguing that I'm hardly going out of my way and it isn't costing me too much to pick him up and take him home, and that a real friend wouldn't have charged him. I reminded him for a one off trip it doesn't matter, but five days for four weeks does build up.

I live just short of 9 miles away from where I've been working, he lives just under 4 miles away. I can just go straight down the motorway, turn off and I'm there, but to pick him up I have to drive quite off route, stopping and starting at traffic lights but he doesn't drive so he doesn't really understand that. His friends who drive claim he is also right and I am wrong.

It's making me wonder, was I wrong to charge a friend? (apologies if this is in the wrong place, I thought friendships might class as relationships)

Difficult one. Of course - in theory - he should be at least offering something, even if it's not costing YOU any more. It's rude not to. However, the thing is, you should never have kept refusing his offers in the past to pay you for stuff that you got for him, because the lines are now blurred. From everything you say in your post here, it's hardly surprising that he is confused.

Just start getting the bus yourself for a while, or walk, or cycle, and tell him lifts are no longer available.

This is not aimed at the man in the OP, but me and my other half have (in the past) had numerous people taking the pee when asking for and expecting lifts. I would never use people purely for lifts, but you would be surprised at the amount of people who WILL do this, and who act disgusted when the lifts stop!

We have had stages in our life in the past, when you give people an inch, and they take a mile. Asking for and taking lifts over and over, and never offering anything towards petrol (and I don't CARE if I was going that way anyway; it's common courtesy to offer something FGS.) And as I said before, when you start saying 'no' for whatever reason, they get snitty with you, like you have massively inconvenienced them ... Oh yes, we have had plenty of 'users' in our life over the years. We don't let it happen now though.

PaulSimons wrote: »

You're a bit of a rubbish friend frankly.

To start with he's your friend for 8 years (4 close whatever), you don't exactly sound like a good friend by making your friend pay you for something that's not too much of a bother by the sound of things.

On top of that you decline his willingness to pay. And then you backtrack and get into an argument.

As a bloke I would not trust you if you behave like that.

I have two friends who live about 5 miles apart from each other and go to the same workplace, the driving friend has not once taken money off the other friend to drop him off and pick him up. In fact he does that for 2 other people as well. And these lads are on hourly wage.

What my friends do however is always give me birthday gifts and get him round of drinks every time they go out.

Be a man. Sometimes friendships are worth more than £25 a month.

Whilst I agree with the first part of your post (about him not accepting money when it was offered, and then complaining when it isn't,) your 'mate' who gives the world and his missus a lift to work all the time is being mugged off.

fierystormcloud

His friends who drive claim he is also right and I am wrong.

Pollycat wrote: »

Then let his friends pick him up and drive him to work.

TBH, he sounds a user to me and I wouldn't class him as a friend.
If you do continue to drive him, I'd tell him that he pays you £10 per week or makes his own arrangements.

Just noticed the bit that Pollycat quoted.

What a flippin' cheek! And why do they think they have a right to say this? It's nothing to do with them.

As Pollycat said, let his FRIENDS give him a lift then.

Aced2016

I personally wouldn't charge my friends. However if I was the one receiving the lift, I would at the end of the week or month as a gesture gave you some beers and some petrol money.

As you did say it was temporary, I think a gesture as I said above would have been nice.

It's sad you have both argued over something so minimal. Mabye going forward don't offer again. Sounds like more stress than it's worth.

FBaby

The OP appears to have bought this 'friend' stuff on a holiday, and although the OP dismissed payment, this latest episode has rankled

We don't know what this friend might have also done for OP in these years of friendship but indeed, if it's always tended to be one directional, why firstly agreeing to the ride, and secondly, saying no to initial offer. The friend suggested paying something from the start, but OP said no. The issue is that he has gone from nothing to an amount that is clearly taking advantage as helping his friend is not costing him what he is asking. A good friend doesn't look to make a benefit from their friends.

Pollycat

FBaby wrote: »

A good friend doesn't look to make a benefit from their friends.

Something the OPs friend might like to reflect on.

FBaby

He isn't using OP and I can't understand why you think he is. He ASKED if OP would take him. OP agreed. It is a temporary arrangement. He OFFERED to pay, OP said not. He INSISTED and then OP asked that he paid him a completely unreasonable amount. £45 a month when it costs OP probably only £5 more than before? That's a terrible friend in my book.