Leaving advice

ripplyuk

OP, I agree with the other replies that counselling sounds like the best option. I think it might just be a communication problem leaving both you and your husband feeling unappreciated. Talking with a good counsellor could really help you both with that.

Your husband is working hard to provide for you and the children, which is admirable and very loving. He's probably tired and stressed at the end of each day, which will make him snappy with you if you try to have a deep conversation when he really just needs some fire gazing time.

But we're all different and you have to decide what is best for you personally. Would you be happier with someone who has more time to spend with you, but less money?

I think it's wrong to stay with someone just because it's easier financially. (I'm not saying you would OP, it's just a point). You say you're deeply unhappy. The only way to sort that out is to know what you really want. You need to be honest with both yourself and your husband. Counselling should make that easier.

springdreams

cjdavies wrote: »

Not having a go at your personally.

Feel sorry for the husband in this part, works hard, and still has to cover the mortgage and maintenance for wife even though she wanted out.

That's how marriage and divorce work. In marriage you share everything equally, and in divorce you also share everything. The difference with divorce though is that children are taken into account when dividing up the assets, and the person with the day to day responsibility for the children tends to end up with a larger share of the assets than the person who does not.

The stay-at-home wife generally becomes a stay-at-home wife by mutual agreement with her husband. Her contribution to the marriage is to raise the children and look after the home. His is to bring in the money.

It is funny how many people think that because the wife is not out of the home working that she is not contributing. She could also go out to work full time, and they could then pay for full time child care and a full time cleaner instead ...

onomatopoeia99

springdreams wrote: »

She could also go out to work full time, and they could then pay for full time child care and a full time cleaner instead ...

Full time cleaner? :eek: In what alternate universe would that happen exactly?

I expect you're going to tell me you know lots of couples that work full time that employ two full time staff to look after their children and home, but amongst my friends (which include professional couples with school age children, where both parents are professionals and both work full time) none employ a cleaner, never mind a full time one. What a strange idea.

LannieDuck

goodwithsaving wrote: »

So do you want the bills paid or not? I know it's lonely, but maybe consider what it is like to be him. Maybe he thrives on it because he has no choice. I felt like I worked hard just to be criticised at home, yet was always the only one with money to pay for things when they went wrong. That (amongst other issues) caused resentment and in the end I left. Just be careful.

He's the only one with money because she has to fit working around all the childcare and household duties. Presumably this was an agreed arrangement when they had children (OP - was this his choice or your choice, or mutual?).

He's chosen to have this full-on, intense job. He could have chosen to work in a less demanding role and pick up some of the work at home instead, while she increases her hours to cover the mortgage. Maybe the husband is someone who thrives on it because he chooses to, not because he has no choice?

Either way, it's unfair to put the blame for the situation on the OP. She's in a position that's making her very unhappy because her husband won't talk to her about it.

springdreams

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

Full time cleaner? :eek: In what alternate universe would that happen exactly?

I expect you're going to tell me you know lots of couples that work full time that employ two full time staff to look after their children and home, but amongst my friends (which include professional couples with school age children, where both parents are professionals and both work full time) none employ a cleaner, never mind a full time one. What a strange idea.

Exactly! People cannot afford a full time cleaner and to pay full time child care. That is why many, albeit not all, tend to opt for the wife to stay home when the children come along and carry out these tasks, whilst the husband goes out to work.

The comment, if you had read back, was along the lines that the OP's husband was out working hard to pay for a home he would likely loose in the event of a divorce, yet he would still be expected to pay the mortgage on it whilst his ex and his children live in it. And my point was that the wife is contributing to the household by serving as both the full time child carer and the full time cleaner. Thus saving the family an awful lot of money. It is not only the person who goes out to work who is contributing, and is thus the one being taken for a ride if the couple decide to divorce, and he then supposedly looses the house he, and only he, has apparently paid for ... Her contribution may not be actual cash, but it is nevertheless a large contribution that could have cost them a lot of money if they did have to pay someone else to carry out the tasks that the stay-at-home wife is doing.

I would point out before anyone thinks I am defending / justifying myself here, I have never been a stay-at-home parent / wife. I have worked full time since the age of 17, and have often been the sole bread winner in our home.

goodwithsaving

LannieDuck wrote: »

Either way, it's unfair to put the blame for the situation on the OP. She's in a position that's making her very unhappy because her husband won't talk to her about it.

It is also unfair to place blame on somebody being discussed on this forum who cannot defend himself.

I'm not saying the OP is at fault but equally, her OH isn't all at fault either. We're only hearing one side.

seven-day-weekend

springdreams wrote: »

Exactly! People cannot afford a full time cleaner and to pay full time child care. That is why many, albeit not all, tend to opt for the wife to stay home when the children come along and carry out these tasks, whilst the husband goes out to work.

The comment, if you had read back, was along the lines that the OP's husband was out working hard to pay for a home he would likely loose in the event of a divorce, yet he would still be expected to pay the mortgage on it whilst his ex and his children live in it. And my point was that the wife is contributing to the household by serving as both the full time child carer and the full time cleaner. Thus saving the family an awful lot of money. It is not only the person who goes out to work who is contributing, and is thus the one being taken for a ride if the couple decide to divorce, and he then supposedly looses the house he, and only he, has apparently paid for ... Her contribution may not be actual cash, but it is nevertheless a large contribution that could have cost them a lot of money if they did have to pay someone else to carry out the tasks that the stay-at-home wife is doing.

I would point out before anyone thinks I am defending / justifying myself here, I have never been a stay-at-home parent / wife. I have worked full time since the age of 17, and have often been the sole bread winner in our home.

Nevertheless he DOES earn the money and I think this should be factored in to any decision-making process. No-one has said that she is not contributing, but nevertheless the household relies on money he earns to keep them solvent.

Let's not underestimate HIS contribution here. A hard-working provider.

Pop_Up_Pirate

ashamedgirly wrote: »

Apologies for the brievity of my post. I am deeply unhappy, he rarely has time off, rarely speaks to me and we rarely eat together. He isn't unkind but his job comes before everything. He works in food retail and is a manager. We have been together 14 years and I have been used to being a retail wife but now he's at work more than at home, for example today he has already been there 10 hours and still has lots to do.
We have been living seperate lives for around a year now, we get on as mates but it's getting wearing, I do everything in the house as well as work and he gets cross if I complain that he's working late again so I have learnt not to say anything. This in turn has resulted in me suffering from anxiety and finding it very difficult to express my feelings because he turns it over to me, that I should be grateful for all he does. Sorry if this comes across oddly but I am posting on my phone.

Men do this because they want to provide for their families.
They work hard and sometimes the jobs get demanding to a point where they do appear to be 'Married to the job'.
You will probably find that your husband will be horrified to hear you feel this way, deeply hurt and won't know why.

Perhaps you should focus more on you. Finding hobbies, groups, friends etc so that when hes working late, its not so much to deal with.
You can then make the time you do have together special rather than harbouring the feelings of being dissatisfied with your lot.

Youre in a lucky position with a family, home and a man who cares enough to provide for you.
Youre going through a rough stepping stone and many of us go through it.
If you can find a way to deal with it without breaking up, the rewards far outweigh the break up.
If you leave him, you're going to be on your own anyway.

seven-day-weekend

I do understand a little of how the OP feels, for the first few years of our son's life I was like a single parent, as my husband was working hard on doing his degree and training to be a teacher. When he was doing his teacher training, he was only at home for the weekends and then he had to work on assignments, lesson plans etc. It can get very lonely and at one point when he disciplined our son, I almost found myself saying 'what has it got to do with you?' (Thankfully I didn't!). Things did improve once he had qualified.

However, it does seem a bit of a shame when people on here, not just the OP, are criticising her husband for doing his best to provide for his family.

And as other people have said, if she leaves him, she will be alone anyway.

Plan B needed here, I think, similar to what people have suggested. Make a life for yourself and your children within the marriage and enjoy his time when he is able to give it.

Primrose

I think from various comments on here you will have understood that a number of us on here have felt similarly on various occasions so hopefully you will start to feel that you're not alone. Working hard in your respective role to keep a family and household together is not an easy task and for most working people, much of the time, it can feel like 90% perspiration and 10% inspiration.


Try not to be discouraged. These things can be set straight if you are both minded to do so. But first you must both make time to sit down and have a really honest talk about how your current way of life is affecting you both. Sometimes you can both get so exhausted or dispirited that it feels hard to make the emotional effort to do this but this is the essential first stage to you both opening up to each other about what your current way of living feels like.


Once you break the ice it will be easier. Just try not to accuse. It is nobody's fault that you find yourselves in this situation. You have probably got there slowly and progressively but once you have been able to define the problems you should be able to come up with some compromises on both sides. And however hard it feels, remember the positive things you do still have in your life every night before you go to sleep. It may help to stop you taking drastic action to try and leave in a sudden low attack of mood. Many people have been guilty of doing this only to regret it later.