Leaving advice

FBaby

The issue in your marriage is not his working, it's the fact that you've drifted from each other because you have stopped to communicate properly and have fallen into a vicious circle as a result. You are unhappy, he feels it, you want to let him know, he feels you're ungrateful so doesn't want to hear what he sees as you being ungrateful, you are frustrated because he isn't listening, you stop talking, you are moving away from each other, the companionship is gone, and then gradually so is the love. He is not happy at home, so convince himself he has reasons to stay away, you know these reasons are excuses, so you become even unhappier.

It is so typical of all resulting divorces when no others are involved and especially when there are young children. Not a criticism at all, I've been there. The problem is that once communication is gone, it is very very hard to go back to what it should be and even harder to keep it up. It demands a lot of efforts and when both are already mentally and phyiscally exhausted, there is often little energy to put anything into it.

Would you still consider it though? Ie. if you could go back to being able to communicate, share your feelings and more time with each other, would you want to save your marriage, or is it a case, that there really is no love left and you wouldn't even want it if you could go back to what it used to be? If there is still something, then do consider counselling, but obviously he would need to be fully committed to it too.

Fireflyaway

These situations often feel worse at Christmas when other families have time off together. Maybe the hopes you had for a family Christmas were not quite realised and it all got too much?
I'm married to a workaholic too! It can be lonely and frustrating and I used to feel ignored and at times like a single mum but now i understand my husbands motivation is to provide for us and allow us a nice lifestyle. I'm sure he doesn't love the early mornings and commute etc but thats his sacrifice and mine is to hold the fort when he is away so together we achieve our goals.
If he is hard working and a good dad I think leaving seems extreme. That's going to impact the kids big time. Working hard is not a crime he probably needs a bit more work life balance but maybe that company won't allow it.
Can you book a holiday so you know he has to take leave and be there?
Sounds weird but I would write a letter. Explain you appreciate his effort but would like some more time together and that's more important to you than perhaps he realises. Kids grow so fast and you want them to remember a happy childhood not that daddy was never there. Remember though a lot of this might be his work being demanding not him trying to ignore you.
Also maybe completely weird but your username doesn't radiate confidence. Do you feel down in yourself and have taken your husbands work to mean he is avoiding you or doesn't like you? Just a thought. Hope things improve.

System

You ain't going to be less lonely on your own. Just saying.

lika_86

I think you need to think about what you want to achieve by leaving.

By leaving then you will be the single parent you effectively are now but will have a massively reduced income, will have to probably up your hours at work, leaving less time for studying and hobbies and negotiate sharing the kids. However, you have the chance to find someone new if you want it.

By staying, you continue the life you lead now and have to deal with the problems you have, or you accept that you are mentally letting go of the angst about your husband's job and work and effectively live as a single person/parent, albeit one that trades certain freedoms for financial security.

Personally I wouldn't cancel plans because he's had to go into work, go out with your friends without him, go on day trips with the kids, go and see and do things on your own. Don't miss out because he is. It might make him think about whether he really needs to be in work because he is missing out.

FBaby

Judi wrote: »

You ain't going to be less lonely on your own. Just saying.

I certainly discovered that myself! It didn't change my mind, had no doubts I made the right decision but it came as a huge surprise that I felt much lonelier despite the fact the main issue was that we were doing nothing together. Couples, especially when they have never lived alone, or not for a long time do tend to take companionship for granted, even when it is not much more than sharing the basics.

marisco_2

PeacefulWaters wrote: »

Get into joint counselling.

Miles cheaper than divorce.

Exactly this both in emotional and practical terms.

ashamedgirly

lika_86 wrote: »

I think you need to think about what you want to achieve by leaving.

By leaving then you will be the single parent you effectively are now but will have a massively reduced income, will have to probably up your hours at work, leaving less time for studying and hobbies and negotiate sharing the kids. However, you have the chance to find someone new if you want it.

By staying, you continue the life you lead now and have to deal with the problems you have, or you accept that you are mentally letting go of the angst about your husband's job and work and effectively live as a single person/parent, albeit one that trades certain freedoms for financial security.

Personally I wouldn't cancel plans because he's had to go into work, go out with your friends without him, go on day trips with the kids, go and see and do things on your own. Don't miss out because he is. It might make him think about whether he really needs to be in work because he is missing out.

Your second paragraph rings true for me and I think it's the way forward.

I am so grateful for all these replies. It's really helped me think about things differently by others sharing opinions a and experiences.

Kaye1

You need to talk. My husband is currently in the middle of a 70 hour week- worked Christmas Day, NYE, all of it. (Catering.) He is also the boss.

After being together, here are the rules we have worked out TOGETHER:

When he is at work, I get on with the day to day stuff and don't call at work unless I need to.

In return, his days off are absolutely ours. If he has to go in, without fail, we get those days back in the week. On his days off, no calling work, not texting to deal with problems. This has taught his team that they only ring when it is totally necessary.

Because your husband 'takes up the slack,' the business won't learn to function without him, juniors won't learn how to step into his role.

He misses church functions but never, ever school functions- parents evenings, plays etc he is always there.

As a couple, these are what we have worked out together. I guess what I am trying to say is that it isn't really his job that is the problem, it is his inability to talk to you and come up with a forward plan together.

We as a couple have agreed this because for my OH to get food awards (rosettes, stars etc) it is a lot of work. However, once he gets these, his earning capacity goes up- so this is our long term goal.

Do you have a long term goal together?

I admit, sometimes it gets lonely, but I also feel like we are working towards a common goal which will benefit all of the family.

I wish you all the luck and really encourage you to sit down and talk it through before you take the massive step of leaving.

Primrose

Start by sitting down with your husband, telling him how much you appreciate all he does to keep your family housed, fed and clothed but that you realise that in doing so, it has gradually taken over his life, whether he intended that to happen or not.

Ask him if he,s really happy the way things are in your marriage because you feel the balance has now tilted too far in the work direction and you are deeply unhappy about the way this is now impacting on your family life.

Ask him if he could, or would, cut back on his hours if you could work more to help balance the budget. How he reacts may give you a better feel for whether you can salvage your future together and whether his workaholic stance is because he really wants it that way or because he feel he has no alternative but to just grin and bear it and make the most of it .

Having said that, I have a husband who regularly worked long hours, had to frequently travel abroad and was often away weekends, birthdays, anniversaries and on occasions we had to endure cancelled holidays . I tried not to complain. Men generally take their earning responsibilities towards their families very seriously and it doesnt help when they have to try and keep both their employer and their wife happy.

The answer may be to try and get more of an outside life yourself if you can organise baby sitters/child care so that you have something to distract you. Retail is a particular hard area in which to work and can be very u forgiving in hours demanded. Could he transfer his skills to a less demanding job? Would he be prepared to to save your marriage? This is a question you need to ask him and one he seriously needs to consider if you genuinely feel your marriage can't take any more.

I know you must be very lonely but don't give up just yet. Your children need a home and a dad. Your husband still needs a wife and his kids. Have a long and serious talk about the options for ways forward for you both before you start thinking of separating.

Marvel1

springdreams wrote: »

You would need to chat to a lawyer to find out what you would be entitled to. You may or may not be able to continue staying in the family home. You may also need to increase your working hours to finance that part of your monthly expenses that will not be covered by the maintenance payments that you may get from your OH after you divorce / separate. You will be entitled to some money from your OH, but it is unlikely to be enough for you to continue the life style that you now enjoy without you contributing a lot more money to the kitty than you currently do.

Not having a go at your personally.

Feel sorry for the husband in this part, works hard, and still has to cover the mortgage and maintenance for wife even though she wanted out.