Leaving advice

LannieDuck

Some of the responses here read as if the (male) breadwinner can do as he likes because he's 'bringing home the bacon', and the little woman at home should just put up with it. Nevermind that she's unhappy. Never mind that she's probably working just as hard as him - holding down a part-time job as well as doing all the childcare and housework duties.

It's a very out-of-date view. And one that, in the past, left a lot of women stuck in unhappy marriages.

Primrose

I'm not suggesting the male breadwinner can do as he likes. If he were the one posting on here I would give him the same kind of advice. He probably feels exhausted by the hours he works, continually tired and dispirited too. It,s precisely under these conditions that both parties have to work extra hard to keep things on track, try to make some time for each other and show their appreciation for what the other person is doing. Everybody signs up to marriage expecting it to be a bed of roses and it often isn't. The OP,s husband needs to make time too to sit down, talk, listen and between them they will hopefully find a way out of this impasse.

OP, it rather sounds as if you've both retreated within yourselves as the easiest way of dealing with things until it has become such an ingrained habit you take it as the norm. However busy our working lives were, we always set aside one night a week for our weekly "board Meeting over a relaxed meal and a glass of wine. We would chew over our week, our highs and lows, our worries, anxieties and decisions to be made. It was a practice which served us well and helped to keep us on track during particularly difficult periods.

LannieDuck

Primrose wrote: »

I'm not suggesting the male breadwinner can do as he likes. If he were the one posting on here I would give him the same kind of advice. He probably feels exhausted by the hours he works, continually tired and dispirited too. It,s precisely under these conditions that both parties have to work extra hard to keep things on track, try to make some time for each other and show their appreciation for what the other person is doing. Everybody signs up to marriage expecting it to be a bed of roses and it often isn't. The OP,s husband needs to make time too to sit down, talk, listen and between them they will hopefully find a way out of this impasse.

OP, it rather sounds as if you've both retreated within yourselves as the easiest way of dealing with things until it has become such an ingrained habit you take it as the norm. However busy our working lives were, we always set aside one night a week for our weekly "board Meeting over a relaxed meal and a glass of wine. We would chew over our week, our highs and lows, our worries, anxieties and decisions to be made. It was a practice which served us well and helped to keep us on track during particularly difficult periods.

Absolutely agree. We can't (sensibly) suggest solutions because we don't know all the details. The two of them talking it out is really the only way.

OP - does he know how unhappy you are? I understand he's unwilling to have a sensible conversation about it, but does he know just how serious it is?

People are saying that if she leaves, her life will be much harder. I wonder whether he's considered that separation would mean he'll see less of the children (he sounds as if he does enjoy spending the little time with them that he can), and when he has childcare responsibilities (assuming he wants to have the kids for x days a week) he won't be able to jump every time the phone rings...? Which, bottom-line, means he'll be forced to choose between his job and his children.

It's not a good position for either the OP or her OH to be in, and it would make much, much more sense for him to talk to her before it gets that far.