From debt to freedom...

savingholmes

Glad you got a walk. I do agree with the others that your ex is exhibiting DV type behaviours. I too have faith - but hope that it isn't that which makes you reluctant to tackle poor behaviours. I think the contacting a charity idea is a great way forward -as is documenting stuff with your doctor on how his behaviour makes you feel. Keep your chin up. You are doing well coping with everything - we just would love you to get some help.

janb5

Hi HSL I do understand that you hate confrontation and that makes this situation  so intolerable.  Maybe a lateral approach would work better in that writing down in bullet points and with dates when these incidents occur and emailing the solicitor. It does seem as though everything is in stalemate at the moment.  Would you ring a domestic violence charity or email them for support? 
It sounds as though your ex continues to demonstrate manipulative behaviour and wont do anything that doesn`t suit him....refuses to attend mediation, doesn`t give his address etc.  Have you got an injunction and would you consider it now?

You didn`t say where the leak was coming from or whether you had any joy with the insurance.  I do hope so.
I know you dont `know` us but I feel as though we are your virtual friends so please forgive me if you feel I have ` crossed the line` in what may be asked.

Honeysucklelou2

Thank you SH and Jan.

SH - I have found it hard to balance faith and separation but understanding that it’s ok to have boundaries.

Jan - I do appreciate your thoughts and comments so I don’t feel you’ve crossed a line...thank you all your suggestions. I haven’t got an injunction at the moment. Not sure how workable one would be as he could argue his tools, that he uses for work, are in a shed here, but I guess he could move them!

I am hoping and praying that I have found the leak.  I went into the bathroom yesterday, which is now just a shell with pipes and a concrete floor and  couldn’t understand why it seemed wetter than ever. I started to try to soak up the worst puddle with some newspaper and could hear a hissing sound. I looked more closely and there was a pinprick sized hole in the pipe and water was leaking out. I suppose the water is under pressure as it was the cold water so it was surprising just how much was seeping out within a few minutes but completely  explains the location and spring like nature of the first pool of water I found a couple of weeks ago.

I was at work for most of yesterday and will be at work again today, so will try and call the insurance company in a quieter moment. I’m trying to make sure I keep a list of costs incurred so far. My hopes to have cleared another £100 off a debt have been dashed but needs must at the moment.

I got out for a run with DD2 last night. I use the C25K app but forgot to check my phone battery. We got through the warm up and my phone gave up! We had to try and count the time as we were running. I think we got a decent amount of running done. I can definitely see improvements in breathing and stamina🙂. I saw the first elderflower as we were running. 

Only had had enough time to water plants and sow some peas but hoping that since DD2 is cooking tonight ( hurray for practical home learning tasks) I might get some time in the garden after work.

Humdinger1

HSL
I also don't want to cross a line, so please feel free to tell me to get back in my box.  I too am a practising Christian (or try to be!) A while back, I came to the conclusion that this doesn't require me to enable bad behaviour in others.   I don't have to judge it,  but it's healthy to decline it, for myself and the perpetrator; declining it might well be part of my mission as a human.    It will also help the children see what is acceptable,  good behaviour.   We are all rooting for you and admire you.  Love Humdinger x 

janb5

Hi HSL I think once you liaise with the solicitor and tell them the true unexpurgated version of events then you are effectively allowing he/she to give you their best advice.  Bear in mind that problems like the tools in the shed are really a minor issue! Your ex has to obey the law and to obey the restrictions of an injunction.  He is very keen to wriggle out of anything that he doesn`t want to do.
All the ` arrangements` are currently stacked up in his favour and, like the others ,I am wondering whether your faith and your grief at the end of the marriage are blocking you from taking action. So when your ds is horrible or rude, then you are unconsciously absorbing/shouldering the guilt even although this happens in families when the parents are together!

You are ` shouldering` everything which also doesn`t give you time to reflect the best way forward and I do think you need to seek both legal and emotional support.  I get the sense that you are withdrawing more and more into yourself . Your first bit of your blog always looks for reasons why you shouldn`t do something ( because your Ex will find a way around it...) but you and your family need to have this sorted out so you can start to breathe again without your Ex manipulating your lives.  A leaking tap or errant weed is far preferable to barbed comments aimed in your direction!  

Please pick up the phone and speak to someone today.  If you cant phone your solicitor, you may find it easier to email them so you can marshall your thoughts. 
I make no apologies for nagging - I`m an old bat!

crazy_cat_lady

Ah HSL I'm so pleased to see that you've found the leak, and keeping everything crossed that your insurance pays out.
I've given my opinion on your ex loads of times, but I hope it goes without saying that I agree with what everyone else is saying. I think he's a control freak and still trying to take charge of everything by refusing to do online mediation. Because it is a refusal, not a 'can't'. Me and EE went through our divorces at the same time, and really helped each other along, so it's good that you have a place here that you can vent.
Don't think that because he doesn't hit you it's not abuse. He's trying to control you, and that's not ok. I would really look into an injunction now, and whilst I understand you hate confrontation (me too) - you need to have a bottom line that he (and ds1 for that matter) do not cross. Everyone has their limits - I just don't want him to break you first. You would be amazed at what you think is minor bad behaviour which is completely unacceptable to someone not in that situation (and legally).

Spendless

Just been  catching up. Glad you've located the leak. Look for the silver lining at least ex can't currently take a bath haha. Remembering we actually have a lock on the outside of our bathroom door (a hook and eye thing very high up, dating from when DS was little and couldn't be trusted not to wake early and play with the bath taps!) I did start wondering about having a lock and key on your bathroom might be a solution, but I also wondered if you'd come home to find the bathroom door off it's hinges if you did that.

Yes, you must keep a log of what is happening. Kept in a very, very safe place if you put it in written form.

savingholmes

Hugs. Glad you are clear on boundaries. Good that you have found the leak too. Great that one of the kids is making tea. My two made a couple of meals between them this week and it definitely helps.

Honeysucklelou2

Thank thank you Humdinger, Janb5, CCL, Spendless & SH.

Humdinger - I have read and reread the sentence in your post...”It is healthy to decline it for myself”. That makes sense, thank you.

Jan- I have sent an email to my solicitor and have asked if his dog can be banned from the house as part of any court order, amongst other questions.

Spendless - That silver lining had occurred to me...only hope he doesn’t move onto the shower, now that I’m out of the house and at work more. 

CCL - I’m starting to realise that saying he can’t use Skype or Zoom is a refusal. I’m not very IT proficient but have managed to download Zoom and have used it on a few occasions so if he put his mind to it, I’m sure it’s possible.

I had to go to work yesterday and am in again today. It is very weird...we had to take out of the classrooms all soft furnishings and equipment that can’t be sterilised after use. In order to keep the social distancing, we’ve had to move tables and chairs, so the classrooms look quite sparse at the moment.

There was no water on the bathroom floor when I got home yesterday so looks like the leak I found on Monday was the source of the problems. So glad everything can start to dry out now.

DD2 cooked dinner last night. Dessert was churros ( think I’ve spelt it correctly) served with chilli chocolate sauce.😋

We could hardly move, we felt so full after dinner so we took advantage of the beautiful evening and got out for a walk. We did a circular walk that is fast becoming a favourite. 2 or 3 public footpaths link up to create a circular walk but mainly through fields. At one point we could see the sea, which was beautiful and calm last night, reflecting the colours of the sunset sky. I love this walk because on one side you have the sea and then 10 steps along the field you have the expanse of countryside in front of you, with the moors in the distance. The fields are quite high up, which allows such an expansive view. The fields below are like a patchwork quilt and as the first cuts for silage are made, different fields go from green to a more yellowy lime colour . There is a comfort in the regularity of the agricultural world at this time. We might still be needing to socially distance and life isn’t normal but the lambs are still racing around the fields, the farmers are still getting grass cut for silage or baling and the hedgerows are bursting with new growth and colour. Over the last week, the honeysuckle flowers have been increasing in number and last night, the fragrance of the flowers in the evening air was delightful.

janb5

What a happy post HSL- so pleased for you.   

I love your descriptions of your walks ( and confess jealousy!)  Not quite the same in suburbia!

How did you manage to stop the leak in the bathroom and so relieved it is starting to dry.  When there was a ` silent leak` here that accounted for my water bill going up unexpectedly!