From debt to freedom...

janb5

Btw you are inspiring me re doing more planting in the garden such as cerinthe and cornflowers etc.  Thank you ++

XSpender

Another one worried about the abuse you are suffering at the hands of your EX and now DS jumping on the bandwagon.  

Surely there must be some legal way to stop him waltzing in to the house and intimidating you even if he does have a financial interest in the house.  If the abuse was physical rather than mental surely he wouldn’t be able to come and go as he pleases.  I don’t know anything about the law in these cases but it just seems wrong.  Is it worth a 2nd legal opinion from someone else or can you get some advice from a domestic abuse charity?  Does your legal advisor know the frequency and severity of the incidents and uninvited visits?

I think you do an amazing job, with no support from the ex, working, bringing up your children, overpaying your debt and all that lovely baking, selling plants and growing stuff that you do on top of it all.

I hope you don’t mind me commenting, I just wanted to send you a hug and some support.  It is easy for us to say do this and do that when I suspect your have been living with his unreasonable behaviour for a long time and it’s not so black and white when you’re living it.

savingholmes

Hugs. Does the asthma mean you are on a protected group list and shouldn't be returning to work?

Kitten868

I saw a brief report on some of the things the Danish are trying to get kids back to school. I've also been sent provisional ideas my children's school has such as having the children divided into two groups and come in on alternate weeks. Children put into groups of 4 that they can play with for play time. Theres ideas about to steal  

I'm sorry the leak is turning into such an ordeal. I'm really hoping you have alternative facilities. We only have one and it was a total nightmare when it was all ripped out. 

I want to help you feel strong but I can see there is so much eroding it away from you right now. I'm sending you more strength xxxx

Honeysucklelou2

Thank you everyone for your comments. I do appreciate the time you’ve taken to comment.

Moneywhizz - you’re right...I am increasingly concerned about DS1’s behaviour. The way he speaks to me is horrible. I don’t think he sees anything wrong with it, which is awful. He blames me for the marriage break up and his dad living elsewhere, but doesn’t realise that you don’t treat people that you love in threatening or intimidating ways.

Jan - I’m so glad that you have been inspired to grow cornflowers and cerinthe. I think cornflowers are such beautiful cheery flowers.  One thought I did have after reading about your experience with insurers, is that if I could get the insurance to deal with it, they might send out their own person to do repair work.

SH - Thankfully my asthma is mild and usually well controlled. Those with severe asthma are in the high risk category. As a I understand it, from reading an NHS explanation, asthma sufferers are at high risk if they take oral steroids regularly or continuously and use certain types of inhalers. I read the list carefully but none of my medication is on it. I’m hoping to work outside as much as I can to reduce any risks as much as I can.

XSpender - thank you for commenting. Your last sentence made a lot of sense, that when you've lived  with such behaviours for a long time, it’s not so black and white. My friend a5 work gave me details of a charity locally that helps people to learn how to respond to such behaviours ,  which I had ready to ring but Lockdown came. I have the details safe to ring. I have told my solicitor about previous dog attacks and a couple of instances of poor behaviour. I do wonder whether the issue of his dog should be sent to the mediator to put on the agenda. Today the ex was here to see the children as he usually does on a Saturday. His dog came in and unusually went in the crate of her own accord, so I shut the door and we had no attacks today.

Kitten868- Thankfully we have a separate toilet at the other end of the house and a shower in the en-suite off the main bedroom, so we can at least use a loo and have a shower.  That’s an interesting idea that children will be in groups of 4 to play with.

janb5

 I have told my solicitor about previous dog attacks and a couple of instances of poor behaviour. I do wonder whether the issue of his dog should be sent to the mediator to put on the agenda. Today the ex was here to see the children as he usually does on a Saturday. His dog came in and unusually went in the crate of her own accord, so I shut the door and we had no attacks today.

Hi HSL- I noticed that you put` a couple of instances of poor behaviours`

But that isn`t true is it? 

 So far he has come to the house when you`ve not been at home, had baths  (are you on a water meter?) belittled, mocked and undermined you in front of the children even when you were celebrating your dd`s ceremony.  I am not sure if he`s contributing financially to your household.  His aggressive behaviour has encouraged your ds to emulate him which is also shocking to your daughters.  His dog has attacked yours on more than one occasion.  I am not convinced he is allowed to visit the home during lockdown- why cant he have a conversation with the children in the garden?
More importantly he has massively upset you on more than one occasion and also caused financial worry so you had to get help because you couldn`t have access to the family car and had to get the loan to do the windows.
Of course you have your children together and there has to be occasions where you discuss things relating to them.
But in the meantime he has to be respectful and polite and ask your permission to visit. 

Why is he bringing his dog at all during visits - that`s a recipe for disaster?

You wrote y`day.......

Jan - at one point I did keep a diary, more from the perspective that Writing was somehow cathartic and helped me to try and keep it together when we were still living together. When things become very stressful with the ex I tend to go back to that, but a good reminder to jot  things down. Sadly his dog attacking our dogs happens fairly frequently, despite me asking for his dog to be in the big dog crate when he comes, that I sometimes forget to write down each time. I did object this week to the 2 attacks but got told to shut up by DS1 and had comments from the ex that beggared belief.

I would also suggest you note all the extra expense that he is not helping with such as the windows and the children`s activities or lodging etc. Your privacy is rocked all the time etc. 
He is an unequivocal bully . Please could you discuss all this with the solicitor and also contact a Domestic Violence charity who are aware that abuse ( because that`s what is) is more prevalent during Covid.  You don`t need to wait until the end of lockdown /aka meltdown before you get support.  Maybe too you can get counselling for your ds?
Perhaps a solicitor letter is appropriate to remind him that if he carries on that you can ask for him to be barred from the house/take out an injunction etc.

I suspect you are so worn down by his repeated nasty behaviour that you are blocking it out so when it it comes to telling the solicitor, it sounds as though there are superficial incidents.  Not so.
 When you add up all the bullet points there is a picture emerging here of coercive control.

Please look after yourself and get some help.  You would say the same to a friend, wouldn`t you so I implore you to be equally caring of yourself. xx 

Suffolksue

very  well Put Janb5 .
HoneysuckleLou we really do care and are becoming increasingly worried for you .
please get help x

Moneywhizz

Indeed I think all of your readers are concerned for you and only wish the best for you. No one is criticising you in any way, just wishing that things will change for you and you will be free to enjoy your lovely family. It is easy for those looking in to see the behaviour as abuse, while those in the situation have lived with it so long and adapted to it so that they don't realise that is is completely unacceptable. Many of us have been in similar situations and it is only looking back that you wonder why you didn't act sooner. Like Jan I urge you to take the time to consider how to address these things that are seriously affecting you and your children. As you can see your DS is already showing signs that this is the way people behave, you don't want your other children to think this too. Wishing you a relaxing stress free day. 

Eager_Elephant

I expect your solicitor has already mentioned an occupation order and a non-molestation order, if she hasn't maybe ask her about them.
I know it's really difficult when you've been abused for years to actually take control and do something because you don't want to antagonize him but sometimes boundaries are needed.
I think you mentioned before that as you don't know his living arrangements its better for him to see the children at your house than he take them done where unknown.

Can mediation not be done by telephone as getting back to normal will take months?

I honestly think you are super woman, managing your house, your job, your kids, your allotment, your dogs - everything really and still dealing with your abusive ex and now DS1.

Honeysucklelou2

Thank you Janb5, Suffolksue, Moneywhizz & Eager_Elephant.

Jan - you’re right, it’s not a couple of instances. I tend to only tell the solicitor the occasions that have been bad and things like the bath, or other things that seem more minor,  I haven’t bothered them with. I have mentioned the dog a couple of times. I do try to keep the peace and absolutely hate confrontation which is possibly why I find it hard to deal with instances of poor behaviour.  DD1 has had a couple of sets of sessions of counselling which really helped her to identify unacceptable behaviour...DS1 could do with that same help in understanding what is a healthy relationship and what isn’t.

EE - An injunction has been mentioned, not sure if that’s the same as a non-molestation order?   The ex has told the mediator that he can’t do Skype or Zoom, despite having a smart phone.

I’ve spent most of today trying to rearrange my bedroom. On the plus side I have binned an entire bag of rubbish 😳, a small stack of recycling and found enough pens to keep me marking for a long time!  Since Lockdown, I had made an impromptu workspace in the hallway which had worked well. It meant the children could use the kitchen table to do school work on or a small table in the vicinity.  Now that the floorboards in the hallway are wet, I’ve had to move the desk to my bedroom, in order to take up the rest of the hall carpet. It’s taken a huge chunk of the day to do that as bedroom furniture had to be moved to accommodate the desk. Not overly keen on having work in the bedroom but needs must.

Bizarrely despite there being no bath, toilet or sink in the bathroom and all pipes having isolation valves, the concrete floor is still wet with a puddle of water just sitting there. The window is open and the dehumidifier  is going but still this pool of wetness and it makes no sense that the floorboards going away from the bathroom are so wet unless a pipe is leaking from where the water comes into the house. I’m due a quarterly water bill soon, so will have to look carefully to see there’s a huge increase in water usage.

We did get a small, circular walk in, across the fields. After tackling the bedroom, it was doubly blissful to breathe in fresh air, straight off the sea.